My current patient and her husband...

Have just started arguing over which of them sneezes more loudly.

Where do I find these people?

CanUSA, land of idiot crooks

Yes, once again proving that stupidity and crime don't mix, we have this bozo from Ottawa.

While robbing a convenience store at knifepoint, he tripped and fell ON HIS OWN KNIFE, and is currently in critical condition.

Here's the story.

Thank you, Alison!

Mary's Desk, November 16, 2010

(guy walks in, stands at counter)

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Gregorian: "I have an appointment today with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Sure... Wait. Sir, your appointment was last Monday. You missed it."

Mr. Gregorian: "No, it would be this Monday, because we went on daylight savings time this month."

Anatomy 101

Maybe I'm just a dumb old neurologist, and I sure don't know much about candy, but this here picture ain't lookin' right to me.





From Fail Blog.

Dear Dr. Imed,

Thank you for your referral of Mrs. Panik,

I'm writing and faxing you this expedited letter, and also left a message with your secretary, as I want to explain what happened yesterday. I'm sure you'll be hearing Mrs. Panik's side of the story soon enough.

My secretary, Mary, has a daughter who is a few years younger then mine. As a result, we give Mary our hand-me-downs when our kids outgrow them. This has been a satisfactory arrangement on all sides for several years (my kids get their hand-me-downs from my sister's kids).

So yesterday I brought in some things for Mary, but due to a busy day forgot to give them to her.

During my appointment with Mrs. Panik I went to get a blood pressure cuff. In doing so I accidentally knocked over the bag of clothes, spilling little girl Disney Princess undies all over the floor.

As I picked them up, Mrs. Panik suddenly stood up and accused me of being a pedophile. She wouldn't listen to my explanation, and said she didn't want to continue the appointment.

So far we haven't received any calls from the local police, but I wanted to alert you of this misunderstanding in case Mrs. Panik calls you.

Yours truly,

Ibee "Not a pedophile, I swear" Grumpy, M.D.

More great crooks

Okay, here's another tip for you budding criminals out there:

If you're planning on robbing a pharmacy (or pretty much anything) you should generally pick a getaway car that DOES NOT have your name on the license plate.

Unlike this bozo.

Thank you, Rebecca, for sending this in.

Weekend calls

Look, Mr. Ohseedee, the prescription I wrote you on Friday is for "Tylenol #3, 20 pills".

It DOES NOT say "Tylenol, 320 pills". I'm looking at my copy right now.

I'm well aware that Tylenol doesn't need a prescription. You don't need to tell me that. I swear, I would NOT have written you a prescription for regular Tylenol.

So there was no need to call me all freaking weekend to argue about it.

Just take it to the pharmacy if you won't take my word for it. They'll tell you the same thing.

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

You're almost out of time. Play with this.

While doing Christmakuh shopping last night, I saw this in the store.

Does anyone else think it needs a better name?

Is it hot down here? Or is it just me?

I'd like to thank PJ for bringing this important research to my attention.

In an effort to settle the question of whether or not laptop computers contribute to infertility, a research group attached temperature sensors to volunteers' scrotums and recorded how they changed when using a laptop. They did this with & without lap pads, and in various sitting positions.

How come these articles never say how much they paid the volunteers?

Here's the link.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Mr. Teevee: "I also want an ultrasound."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why do you want an ultrasound?"

Mr. Teevee: "I once saw it featured on the news for something."

Full service neurology

Dr. Grumpy: "When did the leg begin hurting?"

Mr. Sprint: "I'd just climbed down the ladder when..." (cell phone rings) "Sorry, Doc, hang on."

(answers phone) "Yeah? Oh, hi Pete. Uh-huh. I have no idea. I mean, I've got $4,000 in that account and need to transfer it. Yeah. Hold on, Pete, let me get some advice. Hey, Doc, for retirement what are you recommending right now? Roth IRA's? And what mutual funds are you telling people to invest in right now?"

Veteran's Day, 2010

This is my Grandfather. His name was Martin. He died in 2001, and I was fortunate to know him.




He was born in Poland, but his family was living in Austria when Hitler came to power. As Jews, the family knew they had to leave, and pooled their money to send the smartest child (his name was Irving) to America, with instructions to find a way to make a living in America, FAST, and then bring them all over one by one. Irving was 19 years old at the time, and only knew 1 distant cousin in the U.S.

Somehow he did it. That's a story in itself.

World War II was only a few month away when it was Marty's turn. He remembered being on an immigrant ship when it was stopped and searched by a Danish warship, and the passenger's fear that it might be a German ship coming to turn them back if war had broken out.

Many family members didn't get out, and vanished from history. Lost anonymously in a death camp, with millions of others.

Marty joined the family in Chicago. To gain citizenship quickly he volunteered for the Army, and served through the war. Because of his German background he wasn't allowed at the front, as there was concern about loyalty. He was stationed at Camp Pendleton, in California, guarding against a Japanese invasion that never came.

After the military he went through the struggles of returning to normalcy, at different times working as a fur salesman, a door-to-door vacuum salesman, and finally finding his career at a clock factory. He had 2 children, one of which is my mother (Hi, Mom!).

Thank you, veterans everywhere.

Boy, am I thirsty

I NEVER drink water from the toilet.

Blackdog doesn't seem to mind doing so, but I personally don't think it sounds healthy.

A scientific poll of the office staff, and a few drug reps and patients, found that 100% of people I saw today agreed that toilets should not, except under extreme circumstances, be considered a source of drinking refreshment.

Apparently, though, this isn't as common a belief as I'd like to think it is.

The city of Chandler, Arizona, has unveiled their new city hall building, which (I SWEAR!) includes signs in the bathrooms specifically telling people NOT TO DRINK FROM THE TOILET!!!

Here's the story. And thank you, Lee, for sending this in.

Mary's Desk, November 10, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Poll: "Yeah, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Certainly. We can see you on Friday, or..."

Mr. Poll: "Hang on. Did he vote Republican or Democrat in last week's election?"

Mary: "I don't know. That's his business."

Mr. Poll: "I refuse to make an appointment until I know which side he's on."

Mary: "That's his private business."

Mr. Poll: "Goodbye, then." (hangs up).