Saturday, September 25, 2010

I still can't stand it.

This is a repeat of a post I ran last September. And since the same issue STILL drives me nuts, I'm putting it up again.


Dear Mr. President,

I don't want this to be a political blog. There are plenty of other sites for that. But we now face a national crisis of such serious proportions that it dwarfs other issues, such as global warming, health care, and middle-east peace. It now threatens the very fabric of our society, and directly affects every citizen. And I can remain silent no longer.

It's still September, and every store near me ALREADY HAS THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP!

I have nothing against the holidays, Mr. President. Peace on Earth and all that stuff. But moving them up as if they were being held in another time-zone or alternate universe is getting out-of-hand. As far as I know, Christmas hasn't budged in my lifetime. And treating every day like it was Christmas (like the stores seem to want me to do) is not helping.

The well-respected Nick documentary program, The Fairly Oddparents, has carefully researched what would happen if Christmas were held every day (Episode 107, air date 12-12-01 I have kids, OKAY!). Their conclusion? It would be catastrophic.

There also seems to be a degree of unintentional discrimination. For example, Hanukkah starts more than 3 weeks before Christmas this year, but I didn't see Hanukkah decorations going up 3 weeks before the Christmas ones. In fact, I haven't seen any at all yet. Or Kwanzaa stuff. Or Festivus. Or New Year's.

This seasonal perversion extends to other holidays, too. I mean, by January 2nd most stores are decked out with Easter junk, and on July 5th the Halloween crap is up.

So, Mr. President, I propose the following, federally mandated solutions (please note: I'm only including those holidays that retailers love. Let's face it, not many of us are out there buying gifts for Groundhog day or cards for Columbus day. I'm also leaving out local holidays like Delaware Statehood Day, the Montana Huckleberry Harvest Celebration, and the Byron, Illinois, Turkey Testicle Festival).

Valentine's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of January.

St. Patrick's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until after March 1st.

Passover/Easter decorations will NOT be put up until after St. Patrick's day.

Independance day decorations (July 4th) will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of June.

Halloween stuff will NOT be put up before October 1st

Thanksgiving Stuff will NOT be put up before November 1st.

Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus stuff will NOT be put up until the day after Thanksgiving.

(Please note: there should be some flexibility here, as Hanukkah and Easter/Passover may vary, but decorations should NOT be hung more then 3 weeks prior to holiday onset).


An alternative plan would be to have a single annual holiday combining all of the above, called St. Christmukahpasseastkwanpatfourthnewfestgivingween. Decorations for the combined holidays may be hung for 30 days prior to this event, and MUST be removed the day after.


Punishment for business owners who violate these laws would be on a 3-step basis:

1st offense: Business license revoked for one month.

2nd offense: Tarred, feathered, and forced to eat fruitcake.

3rd offense: Drawn and quartered, then served with fava beans and a nice chianti.


Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

31 comments:

lacedinblack said...

Hear hear!

I noticed in Tesco (I'm a Brit - roughly equivalent to Walmart I think) yesterday that the Christmas stuff was up already and it made me very angry.

If I had my way I'd ban it all before the 1st of December, or the 25th of November at the very earliest. I suspect that makes me sort of a grump though.

Sarada Kakinada said...

Amen to that!! I CAN'T STAND the rush to put up Christmas decor, and I love Christmas. I just find it adulterates the whole thing - the point is that it's meant to be something you look forward to once a year, not something you dread for 3 months.

An addendum to your bill: Please make Boxing Day a real holiday. Because, dammit, it takes time to return all that useless junk at the department store.

Julie said...

lol

our stores have both chrissy AND easter stuff on the shelves at the moment .. so i'm VERY confused!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm amazed you didn't link to the theme song for the Turkey Testicle Festival (motto: "Come in and have a ball").

- said...

Don't know how it works in America, but in Australia Christmas stuff up usually means Christmas stuff for sale, and having it all out too early used to annoy the crap out of me until I realised the reason we always had a decent amount of Christmas stuff as kids, despite not having a lot of money, was that as soon as it all went on sale mum would buy one thing a week, incorporated into that weeks shopping budget, so by Christmas she had all the little Christmas themed stocking stuffers she needed for four kids. So now I think it's not such a bad thing if it makes things easier for people on tight budgets.

Baffled said...

Yup, already got my first christmas catalog in the mail. For plants no less. You think if I order them now the roses will still be good for 12/25?

Anonymous said...

Passover decorations??! What, exactly, would these look like? Festive strings of little matzoh lights? The mind boggles....

Jackie said...

They had halloween Candy in stores here in July.... *sigh* How annoying...

xx
Jacs

me said...

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

thanksgiving themes are scarce because all is christmas before halloween.

myoclonicjerk said...

I think it's time to stage a Washington march.

MOJITOGIRL said...

You're no fun, Doc-I'm dying to put up my Christmas tree already, only the pine needles will be dead by December!!

Miss Kismet said...

I drove into my neighborhood after being out of town for a few days to find several of my neighbors had (clearly lost their minds) apparently had a contest to see who could put the most hideous Halloween crap on their houses/lawns/pets/children. Considering we rarely even see Christmas decorations on this street, I found it a little strange. It looks like the Halloween section of Walmart vomited all over my neighborhood =\

BTW I love Halloween, but I can't stand tacky decorations associated with any holiday! Those damn inflatable abominations are the worst.

Logan said...

Boo, hiss! It's only THREE MONTHS until the big day! Other holidays I don't care about or see the point in decorating for (other than a couple pumpkins on Halloween or a flag on the fourth), but Christmas is wonderful. Christmas movies, Christmas music, Christmas JOY... What's not to love? I'm one of the grouchiest people you could have the misfortune of meeting the rest of the year, but during the holiday season I'm all smiles and good will and cheer. BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS. The sooner the better!

Anonymous said...

Just make an exception for craft stores. Crafty folks like to get a head start on the hand-made gifts.

itscomplicated said...

You're so right! Christmas is everywhere already. I've been watching a lot of kids TV recently (it's been a very long summer...) and every advert is for some type of toy. There's even an advert out for the Park 2011 Christmas Catalogue. 2010 hasn't even finished yet!!!!

Persephone's Maiden said...

When I worked retail our manager would say that the earlier they set out the stuff, the more they would sell. Don't know if that's true or not, but I didn't celebrate Christmas for years after I quit that job. Just too much Christmas overload.

Then on the flip side I would get customers who would come in the store in September looking for Christmas decoration and candy...I was like, are you kidding me???

Anonymous said...

Sarada Kakinada, here in Canada Boxing Day IS a real holiday.
I think your list of punishments may be a bit too lenient, Dr. Grumpy. How about "Business license revoked for one month and owner forced to watch Jim Carrey's 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas'?" Unless there's a worse Christmas movie out there...

Sunny said...

The reason they put the stuff out there so early is that *people will buy it, at full price*.

Also, I think there is an advertising law about needing to keep something at full price for at least 4 weeks before you can put it on sale.

It's still crazy, but there's at least *some* reason for it.

Don said...

Several stores at the local mall are already advertising items for Christmas, and have been since around Labor Day. One might think that they were desperate for sales or something. One fashion store that I walk past is already promoting clothes for Christmas parties.

pharmacy chick said...

Ok, you have my vote on this one. In my life, christmas season begins the DAY after Thanksgiving. No christmas music, no decorations. But I have to admit, I am far from "scrooge" but its been years since the Chick has had a Christmas tree in the house. with just the two of us, its too much work..and there's never any gifts under it anyway, so why bother??
I hate going to stores and seeing red and green for 3 months..our stupid store started christmas music november 1 last year. I hope they tar and feather that idea this year..

KarenL said...

I couldn't agree more. Is there a petition I can sign?

Anonymous said...

What is this "Thanksgiving" of which you speak, kind sir?

I am an American, and I thought that the major holidays were New Years Hangover Day; Heart Shaped Candy and Diamond Ring Day; Get Drunk on Green Beer and See Midgets Day;, Bunny and More Candy Spring Festival; Red, White, and Blew your Finger Off Day; BACK-TO-SCHOOL Blowout Day; Monster Fairy Princess Begging Day; and Santa Claus's Credit Card Appreciation Day.

Did I miss one???

Pattie, RN

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind the decorations so much if we didn't also have the Christmas music. By the end of November I want to tar and feather Bing Crosby, with maybe a little extra tar reserved for Mr. Mel Torme.
Huh - I just noticed that pharmacy chick expressed a remarkable similar idea. Obviously, there is money to be made.

Anonymous said...

Yes, you missed Gorge Yourself On Turkey And Spend Time With Family Members You Can't Stand Day.

Amy said...

Seconded! (Or fifteenth'ed... or whatever it is at this point.)

Anonymous said...

There is a worse Christmas movie - it deals with some Irish kid who gets washed overboard during a storm, and ends up on an island populated by leprechauns. I can't remember the title, it's on a compilation DVD. Argh!

I can't stand all of the decorations for holidays that used to be relatively undefiled: Easter, Halloween, St Patrick's Day, etc. And I'm equally appalled that all the crap starts showing up at retail 4 months prior to the actual holiday. I like what Nordstrom does - no Christmas decorations until Black Friday.

Linda said...

I say screw it all and donate to American Cancer Society, Red Cross or what ever charity you chose.
This way maybe the stores who put out xmas crap in July will get the hint.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I didn't link to the awesome "Turkey Testicle Festival" jingle because I haven't been able to find it online in 3 years. Anyone have it?

Anonymous said...

suicidefood.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.htm
Cheers, and enjoy.

The Mother said...

Got home at midnight last night and found our new corner neighbors had LIGHTS up over their front door.

We're hoping they're for Halloween. I'll keep you posted.

 
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