Sunday, November 7, 2010

Grumpy, reversed

Obviously, I can only tell the story from the office side of patient interactions. But weirdness goes both ways, as my reader Webhill recently wrote me:


I was at home last week, when my phone rang.

Webhill: "Hello?"

Miss Hyper: "Hi! I'm calling from Dr. Nutstaff's office to remind you of your appointment tomorrow."

Webhill: "Huh? I don't have an appointment with Dr. Nutstaff tomorrow. It's on Thursday.".

Miss Hyper: "Oh, yeah. Whenever it is. I'm calling about it."

Webhill: "Okay, what about it?"

Miss Hyper: "I'm calling to remind you about it."

Me: "Okay... Anything else?"

Miss Hyper: "Nope! See you tomorrow!"

Webhill: "I don't have an appointment tomorrow!"

Miss Hyper: "I was just saying that. You know what I mean. When did you say you're appointment is?"

Webhill: "Thursday at 11:30."

Miss Hyper: "Yes, whenever it is. I just wanted to call and remind you."

Webhill: "Thank you for reminding me."

Miss Hyper: "You're welcome. Have a nice day."

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Great pharmacy moments

I stopped by the pharmacy last night to pick up my Sarcasma prescription, and was waiting in line.


Mrs. Scope: "I have a few questions about this."

Cash register girl: "Sure. Why don't you step over to the counseling window for privacy, and the pharmacist will be right with you?"

Mrs. Scope: "Oh, for crying out loud. You just handed me a humungous plastic Golytely container. Unless everyone else in line is blind, they've figured out what I'm having next week."

Friday, November 5, 2010

Now THIS is news

With all the hoopla over the election results this week, people are losing track of what constitutes REAL news stories.

Thank you to Stargirl65 for sending this in, as it reminds us of the stories that are really important when keeping track of the world around us.

I'm just putting up the link. Because I can't think of anything I could say about this that would make it any more amazing. Be sure to read the whole story, and not just the synopsis.

Click here.

Taking legal action




As you may remember, Dr. Pissy's dog and I had a conflict earlier this week. So today I put this letter on his desk...


Craven, Cretin, & Klutz, P.C.
Attorneys at Law

November 5, 2010

I. M. Pissy, M.D.
7291 N. Headache St.
Grumpyville, CX 34611

RE: Legal Action of Grumpy vs. Pissy

Dear Dr. Pissy,

Our firm has been retained by Dr. Grumpy in a legal action against you pursuant to the events of November 1, 2010.

On that date a canine possession of yours ("Fancy") pooped in Dr. Grumpy's exam room. This is in violation of federal regulations #1, #7, and #3,748,425-A, and caused Dr. Grumpy severe emotional denoberation, mental discombobulation, oderiferous substance exposure, fulminant social embarrassment, and a bunch of other polysyllabic words.

After careful consideration of legal options, including a $10 billion lawsuit for emotional damages, we've decided on the following out-of-court settlement:

"Blackdog", a 65 lbs. canine possession of Dr. Grumpy's of undetermined genetic nature (i.e. a "mutt"), shall be allowed into YOUR exam room to poop on the floor following lunch on November 10, 2010. Laxatives will be used to ensure the settlement is equitable.

If this settlement is acceptable to you, please have your attorney call their attorney who will then call our attorney who will then notify us, and we will make the necessary arrangements to transport Blackdog.

We hope this resolves the issue. Please contact us for any questions.

Your's truly,

Oksana "Oksi" Kontin
Legal Assistant to Mr. Klutz.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Land shark

The medical world is unpredictable. Patients (and doctors) sometimes get angry for no good reason.

Veterinarians deal with crazy humans, but also run the risk of being attacked by pets. Most 4-legged things bite.

But when you hear about staff at a vet's office being bitten, you DON'T expect another homo sapiens to be involved.

Until now.

Yes, folks, a lady in Florida brought her Shih-Tzus to the vet for grooming. And when they weren't ready as fast as she wanted them to be, she went canine on the staff, biting them repeatedly.

I'm not making this up. Here's the story.

It doesn't say if she's up-to-date on her shots, but I suspect she'll be quarantined for a while.

Thank you, Jackie, for sending this in.

Great office moments

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of work did you used to do?"

Mr. Tympanic "What?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What Kind Of Work Did You Used To Do?"

Mr. Tympanic (looks at wife) "What did he say?"

Lady Tympanic: "HE ASKED YOU WHAT KIND OF WORK YOU USED TO DO!!!"

Mr. Tympanic: "Oh, I tested explosives."

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Medical miracles

Wow! A new study done by Belch drug company found that their epilepsy drug is most effective when combined with their OTHER epilepsy drug (but not when combined with their competitors' drugs).

Who could have seen that coming?

Great parents

Mrs. Tude: "I think you know my daughter, Cindy. She works at the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "Maybe... What does she look like?"

Mrs. Tude: "A lot like me, except she's fatter and uglier."

I'm SO flattered

This was on a new patient form yesterday afternoon.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Puttin' on the ritz

Dr. Pissy's wife has a little black mop of a dog named Fancy. Mrs. Pissy is never without her.

Yesterday one of Dr. Pissy's staff was out, so Mrs. Pissy came in to help. And, of course, she brought Fancy.

Fancy spent most of the time trapped in the break room, but during lunch was allowed to roam the office since there weren't any patients.

After she was cooped up again I brought my 1:00 back, and gave him directions. "Go on back, 2nd room on the right, have a seat and I'll be with you in a sec" (I wanted to get a Diet Coke).

So after I had a can, I headed back to my office. The patient was standing in the hallway.

"Uh, doc, do you know there's a pile of dog shit in your office?"

Monday, November 1, 2010

Mary's Desk, November 1, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Ms. Nitpick: "Yes, I'd like to make a follow-up with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we have a 4:30 tomorrow afternoon."

Ms. Nitpick: "That won't work. It's too early. How about 5:00?"

Mary: "No, I'm sorry, but the doctor leaves at 5:00 each day to do hospital work."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:45?"

Mary: "Our last follow-up slot is at 4:30."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:35?"

Early morning hospital rounds

Phil is an old patient of mine. He's demented, and on the occasions where he lands in the hospital he becomes confused and hallucinates.

So whenever he's in I drop by to make things aren't getting out of hand.

Last night, while out trick-or-treating, I got called from ER. He was coming in for breathing problems, and they wanted me to do my usual visit in case he flakes out.

So on my way into the office this morning I swung by the hospital.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Phil. How ya doin'?"

Phil: "Dr. Grumpy! Thank God you're here!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Phil: "I've been having TERRIBLE problems with your staff."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What happened?"

Phil: "Mary and Annie came to visit me last night!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..." (this is already a bad sign. Neither of them lives anywhere near the hospital).

Phil: "Mary held me down! And then Annie beat me up! And then they poisoned my coffee! You need to do something about this!"


I can't wait till Mary and Annie come in today and I can ask what they did for Halloween. I'd naively assumed they were out with their kids, too.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween stories...




Hopkinsville, Kentucky is a small town in the western part of the state. There's a farm on the outskirts of town. And on August 21, 1955 it's owners were the Suttons. Their friends the Calloways were visiting from Pennsylvania.

The house didn't have running water. Around 7:00 p.m. Billy Taylor went out to the pump for a drink, and noticed a strange light in the sky. He told the others about it, and it was assumed to have been a shooting star... for a while.

An hour later weird things began happening. Odd noises began to surround the house, and the family dog began barking wildly. It then dug itself under the home, where it stayed until the next day.

Thinking there was a trespasser, Billy Taylor and Lucky Sutton got a pair of rifles and went outside. Across the yard they saw a small creature, about 3 feet high, with glowing eyes, large ears, and taloned arms. It was wearing a silver outfit. It didn't move it's legs as it suddenly began gliding toward them.

When it kept coming, they both raised their guns and fired. There was a sound like rocks being thrown against metal, and the creature flipped over backwards, then vanished.

Billy and Lucky started to walk in its direction. But as they stepped off the porch, another creature standing on the roof reached down and grabbed their hair. Both dropped back and fired again, with the same results- the rattling sound, and the thing vanishing.

The evening quickly became a nightmare. How many of the strange creatures there were is unknown, but they were everywhere around the house. They scratched at the roof. They'd peer in windows, and the frightened family would shoot at them. The glass broke, followed by the same rattling noise and the creatures briefly disappearing. But they always came back.

The nightmarish visitation continued. After 3 hours the families had a chance to get to their cars, and drove into town.

At the local police station they were found to be terrified, sober, and "the type of people who normally didn't run to the police". The officers specifically noted that the families did not appear to have been drinking.

Police investigated the scene, finding the house damaged by gunfire. But the strange creatures were gone. Although they weren't seen at other houses that night, strange lights were, and odd sounds reported.

Over the years the family members have been interviewed several times. Their stories are consistent, suggesting that they all witnessed the same traumatic event. They were generally felt to be honest people who'd experienced something mysterious and frightening.

Those who are still alive rarely talk about it to reporters, but in 2002 Lucky Sutton's daughter said "It was a serious thing to him. It happened to him. He said it happened to him. He said it wasn't funny. It was an experience he said he would never forget. It was fresh in his mind until the day he died. It was fresh in his mind like it happened yesterday. He never cracked a smile when he told the story because it happened to him and there was nothing funny about it. He got pale and you could see it in his eyes. He was scared to death."

Many explanations for the events of that night have been made, including escaped circus monkeys, Great Horned Owls, and inevitably, a hoax. The U.S. Air Force investigated, and found no answers. To this day the case is labeled as unsolved.

But not forgotten...

After the 1977 success of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Steven Spielberg was asked to make a sequel called Night Skies. This time, far from the benign visitors of Close Encounters, the aliens came to terrorize us. The movie was based on the Hopkinsville Encounter, which Spielberg had heard about while researching Close Encounters. Models and storyboards were done. The lead alien had a long glowing finger that killed animals it touched. Another alien was more friendly, and befriended a human child.

For various reasons Night Skies was never made. But it wasn't forgotten, and eventually the idea became 3 other Spielberg films.

The idea of malignant aliens taking over a home and terrorizing it's occupants gradually changed, and in 1982 was released as the horror film Poltergeist.

The same idea was reused in 1984, but this time the idea of the single friendly alien was in the plot. The movie was Gremlins.

And the third movie?

The evil animal-killing alien leader (with the glowing finger) from Night Skies was combined with his friendly colleague, and the 1982 film was called E.T.

Have a happy Halloween, everybody.

And never, ever, ever feed them after midnight.


Saturday, October 30, 2010

Idiots

Robbing a bank takes a lot of things. This apparently includes pants with button-able pockets.

Because you REALLY don't want to accidentally have your wallet fall out while making your getaway.

It's embarrassing.

Thank you to my reader Lee for submitting this.

Day at the Grumpy house

Mrs. Grumpy: "Ibee, can you get mmmph (inaudible)?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't hear you!"

Frank: "Aye, aye, captain!"

Nip & Tuck, D.V.M.

I'd like to thank my reader Webhill for sending this in. She says it's on her way to work.

What we have here is a cleaners/tailor shop that offers "Express Alterations"

And they're advertising next to another business, a veterinarian that specializes in cat surgery.

(click to enlarge)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Anatomy 101

Mrs. Dizzy: "My right ear is all clogged. I can barely hear. I think the fallopian tube there is plugged up."

The verdict

Dr. Grumpy, for the record, is not a big fan of McDonald's. Nothing personal, I'm just not a fast food person. Like all parents, I end up stopping there on road trips to feed the kids, but I've personally never liked fast food.

But on this one, I'm going to have to side with the Golden Arches. They lost a lawsuit to a manager, who claimed he gained weight from working there.

Excuse me?

Yep. You heard that. A court in Sao Paulo, Brazil, awarded a guy $17,500 on the grounds that his job at McD's made him fat (he gained 65 lbs. over 12 years). He blamed this on the company offering free lunches to employees, as well as feeling "pressured" to frequently taste the food himself to make sure it was good.

Nowhere in the article does it say specifically what the guy was tasting, but I doubt if it was a bag of McLettuce. It also doesn't explain why he couldn't find the time to exercise in 12 years, but I guess that was McD's fault, too. Nor does it mention whether he ever considered changing to a less appetizing job, such as managing a manure farm.

I think the only thing that I find reassuring here is that the case happened in Brazil. We Americans are so used to thinking of the U.S. as the land of the frivolous lawsuit, that it's nice to know the rest of the world is the same. People are people, and the human capacity to blame someone else is infinite.

Here's the original article.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hairs leap off like lemmings

You needed an urgent appointment because you had a seizure this morning. We got you in 90 minutes after you called.

You demanded I do something, so I suggested increasing your medication. You said you couldn't handle the side effects as it is.

So I recommended we change you to another medication. You told me that wasn't acceptable either.

Then you asked me why I wasn't doing anything to help you, when you clearly needed my help.

So I suggested we refer you to an epilepsy specialist at Humungous Neurology, Inc. And you accused me of trying to dump you, without even doing anything to help you.

What the hell do you people want from me? Magic?

Another day at the office

Annie was standing in the hallway. I wasn't sure if she was laughing, or crying, or both.

I asked her what was up.

One of my patients had called. He wanted to report that ONLY his left-sided pubic hairs had fallen off as a side effect of his headache pills. The right side was fine.

He'd even emailed us a picture (with his winkie tastefully hidden by a washcloth). In the interests of decency, I'm not putting it up here.

It looked like just a bad shaving job, complete with stubble and razor burn on the left side.

Why? Why? Why?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Starting out on the right foot

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll start you on Aspirin. Dr. Internist is going to work on bringing down your blood pressure and controlling your diabetes. I've set up for physical therapy to get you started on an exercise program. Is that all clear?"

Mr. Tia: "Yeah. I know what I need to do. Take the medications, and focus on exercise and weight loss."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's going to be key. Other questions?"

Mr. Tia: "Yeah, is there a lunch place near here called Phil's?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, not sure. Why?"

Mr. "Oh, my buddy told me it's around here, and to try the hot Italian beef and cheese sandwich if I'm ever in the area."

Mary's Desk

Last week

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Freek: "Yeah, this is Ima Freek, I need to make a follow-up appointment with you. I saw Dr. Grumpy 8 years ago, and need to come back."

Mary: "Okay, hang on... You're not in our system. Are you sure you were here?"

Mrs. Freek: "Of course. I remember your lobby, with all the golf posters, and the golf clubs on the walls."

Mary: "Oh, that's not us. That's Dr. Darth down the street. Let me give you his number."

Mrs. Freek: "No, that's okay, I'm fine seeing a different doc. Can I come in next week?"

Mary: "Sure. Tuesday at 3:00. See you then."



This week

Mrs. Freek: "Hi, I'm here for my appointment. What happened to your lobby?"

Mary: "Nothing. It's been this way for years."

Mrs. Freek: "What did you guys do with all the golf stuff?"

Mary: "We never had that. I told you, that's Dr. Darth down the street."

Mrs. Freek: "Wait a minute... You mean the golf-club doctor isn't here?"

Mary: "No. I told you that on the phone. You said you wanted to come in, anyway."

Mrs. Freek: "I can't believe you misrepresent yourself as part of another office!"

Mary: "Ma'am, I explained that..."

Mrs. Freek: "I'm leaving! This is criminal!"

(storms out, comes back a minute later)

Mrs. Freek: "Hey, I left my cell phone at home. Can you call Dr. Darth to see if he has an opening this afternoon?"

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's, um, for my sinuses.

Dude, I'm sorry if you're having trouble with your dealer, and he sold you some bad shit that he lied about being marijuana.

It's just wrong to rip you off like that.

But, in all honesty, calling the police to report him was NOT a good idea.

What the hell?

(cell phone rings, it's the kids' school)

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Yeah, I'm calling about your son, Frank."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Miss Hourlywage: "I'm writing him up for saying a bad word."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What did he say?"

Miss Hourlywage: "I don't know."

Dr. Grumpy: "You're writing him up for saying something, and you don't know what he said?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Yeah."

Dr. Grumpy: "Can I talk to someone who heard what he said?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Nobody heard what he said. He was in the room by himself when it happened."

Dr. Grumpy: "So how do you know he said something bad?"

Miss Hourlywage: "The other girl who works here told me."

Dr. Grumpy: "Can I talk to her?"

Miss Hourlywage: "She's off today, but she told me."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did this happen?"

Miss Hourlywage: "This morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "So if she's off today, how does she know what he said this morning, if he was in the room alone anyway?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Look, I'm just doing my job."

Obituary

I would like to mark the passing of my political idol, Paul the Octopus, who died this morning in Germany.

For those of you who didn't read this post on him a few months back, I respected Paul's ability to correctly predict solutions in international disputes, and strongly backed him for the job of President/Prime Minister/Chief Goombah of Earth.

Paul was 2 1/2, which is apparently getting up there for an octopus.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Drug rep moments

Rikki Drugrep: "Doctors, Nopain is the only non-sedating, non-effective, treatment for these patients."

(Dr. Pissy starts snickering)

Rikki Drugrep: "I'm sorry, I meant non-sedating and non-addictive, treatment."

October 25, 1918

Vanderbilt Reef is a small, rocky island in the Alaskan inside passage, south of Skagway. It's just slightly above the water. Every summer it's passed by thousands of tourists on cruise ships, who take scant notice of it breaking the surface as they go by...


The inside passage has been, and remains, a critical waterway for both the U.S. and Canada. In summer it's dominated by cruise ships, but it also supports many communities. Due to geography and climate, roads and trains have difficulty getting to several areas. So ships are still a major source of supplies, travel, and trade.

At the start of the 20th century, this vital waterway was served by ships designed to transport both passengers and freight, whichever was needed. One was the Princess Sophia.


S.S. Princess Sophia


She was a modern ship by the day's standards, with wireless communications and electric lighting throughout. Though not as luxurious as the big Atlantic liners, she was considered quite comfortable.

In late October, 1918 the Princess Sophia was making a typical inside passage run, stopping at several ports in Alaska and Canada. She carried 343 passengers and crew, and was commanded by Captain Leonard Locke.

On October 25, at around 2:00 a.m. she drifted off course in a snowstorm and ran aground, quite hard, on Vanderbilt Reef. The force of the impact drove most of the ship out of the water and up on the rock. And there she sat, stuck. Although her bottom was badly damaged, she was perched high and dry out of the water. The engines and electricity were still running.




Princess Sophia grounded on the reef. The object in the foreground is a navigation marker.


A distress call was sent out immediately, and within a few hours a number of rescue vessels surrounded the beached ship. The storm had died down.

Captain Locke faced a difficult decision. The rocky area was exposed at low tide, making rescues dangerous for the coming boats. To add to the problem, in 1904 the steamship Clallam, under similar circumstances, had started to evacuate passengers into lifeboats. The boats capsized, killing 54 people. Rescue boats were later able to get everyone else off safely.

Since the Princess Sophia, stuck up on land, was in no immediate danger, the decision was made to wait on the evacuation until the afternoon's high tide.

By the time afternoon came, the weather was rapidly worsening. Strong winds whipped up violent seas, making approaches by the rescue craft impossible. Lifeboats couldn't be safely launched. Between Captain Locke and the rescue boat captains, they decided to postpone the evacuation until the next day. Although damaged, the Princess Sophia was high out of water, the power was operating, and it's people were secure. The rescuers returned to port to ride out the storm, and lodging arrangements were made on shore for when the passengers were taken off in the morning.

The afternoon storm became a gale. Then violent waves submerged the reef- and the Princess Sophia began partially floating again. Strong winds and waves blew her back off the reef and back into the water.

Except now she was a ship with her bottom torn out from the day's damage.

At 16:50 her wireless operator began frantically calling for help. The rescue vessels began to return, but a blizzard had started, limiting visibility to a few yards. Heavy seas broke over their decks in cascades. They tried to find Vanderbilt Reef, but in this condition were in real danger of striking the rocks (and each other). Realizing that nothing could be done except lose their own ships, they reluctantly returned to port.

The next morning the weather had improved, and the boats set out at first light for Vanderbilt Reef hoping to find survivors.

But all that was left of the Princess Sophia was her mast, sticking up from the wreck below.



Picture taken as boats arrived in the morning. The triangular navigation buoy is the same one seen in the previous picture. The Princess Sophia's mast is on the right.


Floating bodies were everywhere, covered in thick layers of oil. They continued to wash ashore for months, and many were removed from the ship by divers. Quite a few were children. Some were buried in Juneau, others in Vancouver. Their graves are marked in local cemeteries today.

343 people were lost. The only survivor was a dog, which belonged to a couple on board. It had swum to a nearby island and was rescued a day later.

The Princess Sophia made local headlines, but was forgotten on a larger scale. World War I came to an end shortly afterwards, and a worldwide flu pandemic that would kill 50 million people was raging. These 2 events quickly pushed the Princess Sophia from the newspapers.

The wreck today is completely submerged off Vanderbilt reef, passed annually by cruising tourists unaware of the tragedy beneath them.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Reruns

Since I'm insanely swamped today, I thought I'd post this story from February, 2009, when my only followers were my dogs.


Highlight of call this weekend was a 20-something guy I saw for a head injury.

He had a fight with his girlfriend outside a restaurant and said he was going to teach her a lesson.

So he began repeatedly banging HIS head against the concrete sidewalk until he was covered with blood. At that point the police and paramedics pulled up, and so he began banging his head repeatedly on the police car's windshield until he shattered it

He then went back to beating his head on the sidewalk, which continued until the cops tasered him and the paramedics gave him a dose of Valium.

The admitting diagnosis was "Self Assault"

Exactly what lesson his girlfriend learned from this is unclear, but I suspect it had something to do with getting another boyfriend.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

On call follies

Dr. Grumpy: (looking at MRI film) "Looks like they did the surgery on the right side of your brain."

Mr. Craniotomy: "No, they did it in Missouri."

Friday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you a smoker, sir?"

Mr. Camel: "No, not at all. I'm trying to quit."

Friday, October 22, 2010

Today's tip

People, if you're going to burglarize houses for a living, it is NOT recommended that you call the cops to report your getaway car has been stolen.

Like this fellow.

"Does your friend want fries with that?"

Cops: Woman drove around with dead body for months

(10-21) 14:59 PDT Costa Mesa, Calif. (AP) --

Police said Thursday they are conducting an investigation after discovering that a Southern California woman drove around, possibly for months, with the body of a homeless woman in her passenger seat.


To read the rest of this article, click here.

Thank you, Kayden, for submitting this.

Boy, that was tough

As you guys know, I do medical market research surveys as a sideline. Most of them have a few screener questions to make sure you qualify.

So today, I had this.

"We will now be asking you some screening questions to be sure you qualify for this study."

I clicked okay, and we went to the next screen. This question appeared:

"Are you willing to take this survey in return for the listed honorarium? [YES] [NO]"

I clicked [YES], and it went to the next screen, which said this:

"Congratulations! You've qualified to participate in this research."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Alrighty, then!

Dr. Grumpy: "Any more questions about the side effects?"

Mr. Pillz: "No, I think you've answered them... I'm just skittish about it. I mean, I hate pills. I haven't taken any in years. I never go to the drugstore. I'm not even sure where to get this filled."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is there a pharmacy near you?"

Mr. Pillz: "Yes, a Walgreen's at 5752 E. Dingo Lane, 1 block east of me. Their number is 867-5309."

Product testimonials

Yesterday I saw Mrs. Dementia, who's a sweet old lady who lives with her son.


Dr. Grumpy: "So at her last visit I started your mom on Remembra, for Alzheimer's disease. How's she been doing?"

Mr. Son: "Great doc, she's much better!"

Dr. Grumpy: "In what way?"

Mr. Son: "She's clearer. Like, she goes out for walks every night. The neighbors or police used to call us 3 or 4 times a week to say they found her lost somewhere. Since starting the drug they only call about once a week."

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Another moron!

Look, people, if you're going to steal clothes from Wal-Mart by putting on new ones in the dressing room, then leaving your old ones behind and wearing the new ones out of the store...

You should ALWAYS remember to remove your wallet and ID from your old pants before abandoning them.

Here's the story.

Thank you, Alison, for submitting this.

Moron!

Okay. Here's a guy who had cocaine in his pocket.

He walked up to a freakin' police car, and asked the cops for a ride!

When they asked if he had any illegal drugs on him, he gave them a "Yes, uh, I mean no."

And then he was willing to let them search him.

Dude. You're an idiot.

Here's the complete story.

Freak out!

Dr. Grumpy: "Your labs look okay, lipid levels are good, and..."

Mrs. Statin: "OH MY GOD! I HAVE LIPIDS IN MY BLOOD?!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, everyone does, and your levels are fine."

Mrs. Statin: "THAT'S HORRIBLE! I DON'T WANT ANY LIPIDS AT ALL!"

Dr. Grumpy: "But you need to understand that some levels are normal and..."

Mrs. Statin: "SO NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IT'S 'NORMAL' FOR ME TO HAVE A STROKE OR HEART ATTACK? WHAT THE HELL?"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not what I said, ma'am, lipids are..."

Mrs. Statin: "THIS IS INSANE! I KNOW WHAT LIPIDS DO! I'M AN INTELLIGENT PERSON! I WATCH TELEVISION! I DEMAND YOU GET RID OF MY LIPIDS IMMEDIATELY! THERE ARE MEDICATIONS, AREN'T THERE?"

Dr. Grumpy: "There are drugs that are used to lower lipids when needed, but your levels are already low and..."

Mrs. Statin: "YOU'RE DANGEROUS! I'M LEAVING! I'M GOING TO FIND A DOCTOR WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF ME!!!"


And she walked out.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Flattery will get you nowhere

Part of the medical business is referring patients to other doctors, and reading their notes when/if they write back to you. Usually the letters are brief and business-like, but occasionally there's something out of the ordinary.

A few weeks ago I sent a lady to a cardiologist. I received his consult note yesterday, and saw this line. Apparently they discussed me, and he felt the need to comment on it.

I haven't changed it at all, except to take my name out.

(click to enlarge)



P.S. Dr. Ventricle: You spelled "Marx" wrong.


Monday, October 18, 2010

Attention: All my migraine patients!

Look, people, I know Botox for migraines was approved by the FDA on Friday.

This does NOT, however, mean that your crappy insurance company immediately has to cover it. Quite the contrary. Most of them will drag their feet for another 6-12 months before they're willing to cover it. So as much as you may want it, or I want to treat you with it, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON.

So STOP CALLING. Mary and Annie logged 47 calls from Botox-seeking-patients today, all somehow under the impression that since it's now FDA approved I suddenly have an endless Bucket O' Botox and can inject it at the drop of a hat. I don't have a drive-thru window. This stuff costs $525 a bottle, so I don't keep it lying around.

I have nothing against Botox. Or migraines. But get real, people. Your insurance company moves at the speed of an arthritic snail, and in this case is actually trailing the government bureaucracy.

So relax. Your insurance will catch up with the 21st century. Hopefully before it ends.

Cultural awareness

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm glad you enjoyed your trip."

Mr. Traveler: "It was wonderful. Did you know that in the European language they call mountains "'alps'?"

Dear Local Physical Therapy

Thank you for your recent letter on my patient's progress.

I noticed that instead of writing out "exercise" your therapist used the abbreviation "ex's". It took me a minute to catch this, but it was pretty easy to figure out when I saw it used in phrases such as "strength ex's", "coordination ex's" and "home ex's program".

However, there was one part of your note where it gave me pause.

In the "treatment plan" it said "She'll be building up her arm strength using her ex's balls."

I hope (for her ex's sake) you still meant "exercise"...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"I guess that's a failing grade, huh?"

I'd like to thank my reader Toni for sending this in.

A lady in Bellevue, Washington, was arrested after she (allegedly) attacked another woman while they were attending an anger management class.

19-year-old Faribah Maradiaga "blew up out of control", whipped out a knife, stabbed the classmate multiple times in the arm and shoulder, and threatened to kill her family. She's been charged with 2nd degree assault.

To read the original article, click here.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Night at the Opera

Memories...

In medical school, my roommate Enzyme and I had a dorm apartment next to a German couple, who were both grad students. We shared one big wall with them.

This pair were into REALLY loud sex. Moaning. Screaming. And she would scream "Fuck me, Heinrich!" repeatedly, with a bizarrely musical intonation. Like an opera number.

I have nothing against sex. Or others having sex. And noise like this in a cheap apartment is part of the college experience.

But this pair could really go at it. And it drove us nuts.

It's easy to tell someone else to turn down the TV or music. It's a lot harder to say "Hey! Can you stop humping so loud?!!!"

I think the idea was Enzyme's, but after 20 years I'm not sure. I found a used classical music CD at the college bookstore, and brought it home. We were listening to it while studying when the idea began.

We set up some speakers facing the mutual wall, and waited for the Brünhilda and Heinrich show to begin one night. It didn't take long.

And then, LOUDLY, we put on Wagner's piece "Flight of the Valkyries". Although it was tricky, we were able to time the main "dah-dah-dah-DUM-dum" part to coincide with her repeatedly screaming "Fuck me, Heinrich!" It actually sounded pretty good, like some sort of operatic porn.

After the curtain went down, we turned off the music.

A few minutes later there was some loud discussion in German (likely them swearing at us).

We never heard them going at it again. I suspect they started using another room. At least then it was the other neighbor's problem.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Oooh, tell me more

Dr. Grumpy: "It looks like you have carpal tunnel syndrome. Do you do computer work?"

Miss Perky: "Yes. I work for a mens' club, handling their software, and sometimes their hardware, too".

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Calgon, take me away!

This afternoon I went to pick up the kids at the after school club.

Normally the door there is open, but today it was closed. Rather than knocking, I just opened it and went in.

BIG mistake. It was closed for a reason.

I stuck my head in the door, just in time to intercept a red-paint-filled styrofoam cup with my right cheek. Followed by a kid screaming "Hey Craig! I nailed your dad!"

A paint fight (water-based paints, mercifully) had broken out, and the teenagers running the show were hopelessly outnumbered.

The kids looked like a multicolored racial variant from "Avatar".

I drove home with my (very colorful) tribe.

My car seats look like a bag of Skittles. I'll deal with them over the weekend.

All kids got thrown in the shower.

We're having an unscheduled laundry night.

Just wait until Mrs. Grumpy gets home.

Honesty

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, this is silly. I mean, this is the third consecutive visit when I told you to increase your dose, and you agree to do so, but then when you come back you tell me you never did, though can't tell my why. And you wonder why your symptoms aren't any better. If you're not going to take my advice, why do you even bother coming in?"

Mr. Pill: "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What?"

Mr. Pill: "Do I annoy you?"

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Staying active in pregnancy

Now, there are A LOT of things that a pregnant woman can do safely, but medical myths would lead you to believe otherwise. My esteemed colleague The Mother tackles the ones about pregnancy and alcohol today, and I strongly recommend reading it.

But there are some things pregnant women, especially those IN FREAKIN' LABOR, should absolutely not be doing.

Such as robbing a store.

Like this lady.

Really.


I'd like to thank my reader Kayden for submitting this.

The 110




Actually, there were 110 of us, not 300. And we definitely didn't look anything like that.

There were 110 of us. We all met at the same time.

A few married couples. Mostly single. Most of us had just graduated from college. Several were nurses. One or two were veterinarians. An actress. Some military vets. Others had just joined the military to pay for this. 2 were Ph.D.'s in sciences. Some of us had kids. A few were even living far away from spouses and kids for 4 years just to do this.

And there we were. Most of us had just moved to this city in the last 1-2 weeks. Found apartments, grocery stores, and laundromats, and finally this building.

It was the first day of medical school.

I was a 2 day drive from home and where I'd gone to college. I'd met my roommate the week before, and didn't know anybody else.

I miss them all now. None were really close friends, but the bonds you get with people who share the same life experiences with you are incredible.

They forge quickly. Med school starts out like a sledgehammer. No matter how prepared you thought you were for it, you weren't. And everyone else was in the same boat (though most would deny it).

So for 2 years we suffered through the same schedules of tests, lab groups, STUDYING (studying is a never ending process in med school). 110 people with almost identical schedules. Your social lives also tend to mesh, because you also want to go out to relax (i.e. drink) at the same time, and have the same post-test schedules to do it on. You see each other on campus and around town.

We formed sports teams. Couples. Groups based on religious affiliation. We went to sporting events together. Movies in groups. Road trips to baseball games and amusement parks.

In the 3rd & 4th years the contacts start to break up, because we were on different clinical rotations all over town. But the last week of school there were a bunch of lectures on "what to expect in residency", and there was something oddly reassuring about being together again.

I remember all of them. It's funny, because in other circumstances many of us probably wouldn't have gotten along, but the shared experiences of medical school made us friends. I'll never forget those people. I think of them more, and remember them more, than any other group I was with. My high school class, college groups, other residents. None of them have left an imprint on my memory as strong as the 110 in my medical school class.

There's only one I'm in semi-regular contact with, because life took us both to the same hospital. On rare occasions a new patient will bring in records from out-of-state, and I note that they saw one of my former classmates. Through the miracle of the internet it's easy to see where the others landed, and it's somehow reassuring to know they're out there. I wonder if any of them look me up. I'd like to think so.

But even so...

I missed my 10 year med school reunion a while back for bullshit reasons, and still regret it. I'm definitely going when the 20th comes around.

This post was inspired by Albino Black Bear, who wrote last week about a road trip she and some medical school friends went on.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Concern

Get 15% off hospital scrubs with promo code "white_lyt1"


Mrs. Daughter: "Doctor, I'm so worried about Dad. He insists on living by himself, but he forgets to lock his doors, he loses things, he forgets to pay bills, he leaves the stove on... Can you please give us some ideas for places he might safely live? And try to talk to him into moving into one?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Of course. I'll give you a list of places you can take him to look at."

Mrs. Daughter: "Just give it to him, he can go himself. He has a car."

Dr. Grumpy: "He's still driving? You just told me he can't live alone and you're still letting him drive?"

Mrs. Daughter: "Don't stop him from driving! I don't have time to take him everywhere!"
 
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