Life in these United States

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Hatt: "Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay... Sorry, we've gotten a lot of calls the last few days... our next opening for a new patient is in 2 weeks, on..."

Mr. Hatt: "TWO WEEKS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That's ridiculous!"

Mary: "I'm sorry, it's just been crazy this week. If you'd like I can make you an appointment and put you on a waiting list if anyone cancels?"

Mr. Hatt: "So how many of those people with appointments ahead of me are illegal immigrants?"

Mary: "Excuse me?"

Mr. Hatt: "I know you people give preferential treatment to illegals instead of real citizens. It's all over the news. So how many illegals are on your schedule ahead of me?"

Mary: "Sir, I don't know if any of them are, and I schedule people as they call in and the calendar fills up. There is no preferential treatment."

Mr. Hatt: "Oh, bullshit. I'm not that stupid. I bet I could call the DHS and they'd clear out your lobby in a heartbeat. Actually, they probably wouldn't, since they favor them, too."

Mary: "Okay, I'm going to hang up the phone now."

Mr. Hatt: "So you're an illegal, too? Figures."

 click

1-star review

Craig and his team are at an out-of-state competition, representing Big State University. The other night I was dozing off when he texted me.

 

Unsolicited offer

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call."

Mr. Ink: "Hi, I'm Mike Ink. I have some extra rooms at my place and was hoping to sublease them to a doctor looking to expand his practice with a satellite office. I was wondering if you're interested?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, thank you. I try to keep it small."

Mr. Ink: "Do you know any other doctors who might be looking to expand?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can give them your name. What kind of practice do you have?"

Mr. Ink: "Well, technically it's not a medical practice, it's a tattoo parlor."

No comment

 

Memories

Following our first year of medical school, my roommate Enzyme and I returned to our home states for the summer. He (of course) found a girlfriend.

Enzyme saw it as just a summer fling, but failed to properly communicate this to her before returning to school (he claimed he had, and that she was crazy). Regardless, she had our apartment's phone number when he returned to school, though fortunately was over 1,000 miles away (back in those days, kids, you actually had to CALL people. Not e-mail or text. And you didn't each have your own phone, either).

So, in the time-honored tradition of single males sharing a cave, it somehow fell to the roommate (me) to answer the phone so he could hide. As many people of both sexes before him, he was hoping that if he ignored the calls, she'd stop calling. And we all know that never works.

I couldn't just ignore the phone, it might be for me.

So one day, as the phone started ringing, I said, "Enzyme, this isn't working. She's still calling." He agreed, and told me to try something else to get rid of her. Of course, he didn't offer any suggestions, either.
 

 
I answered the phone...


Medical Student Grumpy: “Um, hello?”

Summer Girl: “Hi! Is Enzyme around?”


...my mind went completely blank. I couldn't think of a single thing to tell her that might make sense, like "Enzyme has broken up with you."


Medical Student Grumpy: "Um, he, um, I mean..."


I had a complete mental block. Not one idea jumped to mind.


Summer Girl: "Hello? Are you still there? Can I talk to Enzyme?”

Medical Student Grumpy: "Enzyme, um, he, uh... Enzyme is dead."

Enzyme (whispering): "Holy CRAP! Don't tell her I'm dead! She might call my mom's house!"

Summer Girl: "Excuse me, did you just say Enzyme is dead?"

Medical Student Grumpy: "No, I mean, he's, um, he's... gay."

Enzyme (whispering): "WHAT THE FUCK?!!!"


Long pause.


Summer Girl: "So. Is he dead or gay?"

Medical Student Grumpy: (dazed and stammering) "Um, he's either dead, or gay, I don't remember which..."


Enzyme took the phone out of my hand and hung it up.

Although it wasn't planned that way, it worked. He never heard from her again.