Mary's desk, October 16, 2012

At the check-out desk.

Mary: "All right, so your follow-up appointment is next month, here's a reminder card... and this is your receipt for today's co-pay... Annie will call you to schedule the tests... Anything else?"

Mr. Suit: "Could you please fax something for me?"

Mary: "Sure, is it the form the doctor filled out?"

Mr. Suit: "No, it's this business report." (opens briefcase, pulls out HUGE folder and a list of fax numbers) "I need you to send a copy to my company's New York office, another to Calgary, one to Los Angeles, and..."

Mary: "Um, no. I thought it was something for your medical care. That sort of thing you'll have to have your own secretary do."

Mr. Suit: "Well, she's busy preparing reports like this."

Nigel? Are you out there?

I was doing an epilepsy survey last night and suddenly realized that

(drumroll)

This survey goes up to 11!!!

Coincidence

Mary usually shows up around 7:30 each morning. Today, at about 7:45, she called my cell.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, you okay?"

Mary: "Yeah, but I'm stuck in traffic, there's a big wreck at 12th and Carson. Looks like a blue car smashed into a truck, and the intersection is closed. It's going to be a while. Sorry."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm glad you're okay. Don't worry about it. I'll see you when you get here."

I wandered up to her desk and got paperwork ready for the new patient coming at 8:00, then began looking through some MRI reports. As I was sitting there a voicemail came in:

"Hi, I have an appointment 8:00, and I'm not going to be able to make it.  Some asshole in a blue car rear-ended my truck on Carson street on the way to your office and..."

Picture day

Yesterday we made our usual weekend run to Costco to load up on Diet Coke and other life sustaining nutrients.

Starting in October, Costco puts up large displays of Christmas trees and other holiday home decorations, some of which can be quite elaborate, to show people how the items look out of the box.

As we walked around we noticed 2-3 families, each with their kids nicely dressed up in Christmas-type outfits. They were posing the youngsters in front of the displays and taking pictures for family Christmas cards.

Advantages of getting a flu shot

At your friend the pediatrician's office: Cool band-aids!

Patient quote of the day

"When things are the same they're the same, but when they're different they're not the same."

Practice makes perfect

I'm examining Mr. Patient, with his wife sitting off to the side.


Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, hold your hands out in front, like this... now close your eyes... good, now open your eyes, and tap your right fingers like this... okay, now your left fingers..."


Out of the corner of my eye I notice Mrs. Patient doing the same things I'm asking her husband to do.


Dr. Grumpy: "Ma'am, why are you doing that?"

Mrs. Patient: "Just practicing, in case I ever need to see a neurologist."

Great moments in Jewish parenting

"DAD! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE THAT YOU TOOK AWAY MY NINTENDO 3DS! YOU TOOK AWAY MY DIGNITY TOO! THIS IS WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE ONE OF THE MACCABEES, WHEN PHARAOH MADE THEM WORSHIP HIS GODS AND MADE THEM SLAVES AND JUDAH SAW THE BURNING BUSH FOR 8 DAYS AND SENT MOSES WITH A MENORAH TO TELL THE ROMANS TO LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!"

Mary's desk, October 9, 2012

Mrs. Bulova: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, Mrs. Bulova. This is Mary, at Dr. Grumpy's office. I'm calling because you're 10 minutes late for your appointment, and you're always punctual. So I wanted to make sure everything is okay."

Mrs. Bulova: "That can't be! My appointment is at 2:30, and my watch says it's only 1:15 now!"

Mary: "I'm sorry, but it's actually 2:40. I can re-schedule you, though. Maybe your watch is broken? Or you need to wind it?"

Mrs. Bulova: "It's funny, I noticed last night that it said 1:15 while I was having dinner, and it said the same thing later when I was getting ready for bed, and also this morning, when I woke up. I thought that was weird, but it makes sense now."

Reasons to keep beer in the break room

Like most offices, we have stuff on the front counter. A clipboard with a sign-in sheet. A little clock. A pen holder. A plastic & metal cow-like thing that shows the date. Business card holders.

Yesterday a lady came in for an appointment, towing 3 toddlers with her. After signing in she took everything except the clipboard off the counter and handed them to her kids to play with!

When Mary asked her to put them back, she got angry and said "You act like this is my problem, that your office doesn't have stuff around to keep kids busy."

For those of you wondering: No. Neither of us sees kids in our practices.

Sunday

Yesterday I was at local mall with the kids, when they started whining about being hungry. So I took them to the food court.

While they were inhaling burgers, I got a phone call from the ER, and wandered off to a quieter area to talk. Without paying attention, I ended up standing next to a kiosk selling phone accessories.


Dr. Grumpy: "Is she on Coumadin?"

Kiosk Guy: (comes over, taps me on shoulder) "Hey! You need a new iPhone case!"

Dr. Grumpy: "No thank you, I'm busy right now. What did her head CT show?"

Kiosk Guy: "This one is on sale! It lights up when you're on the phone!"

Dr. Grumpy: (waves guy away again) "Who's her cardiologist? Do they know what's going on yet?"

Kiosk Guy: "Your phone case is falling apart! You should get this one!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hang on, ERP... Look, this is an important call. Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

Kiosk Guy: "No! That's why you need a case that lights up!"

Weekend reruns

When the kids were younger, we had a part-time nanny named Syndee. I was anything but fond of her. I don't remember how Mrs. Grumpy found her.

Syndee did a good job with the kids, so I turned a blind eye to her many shortcomings (which could be several posts alone). Her main issue was a remarkable lack of IQ and common sense. It was not uncommon to realize she'd been outsmarted by Snowball (and he's slow). She occasionally still calls to see if we need a babysitter. Rarely she'll call me for medical questions, as she does not grasp the concept of what being a specialist means. She's also learned (since she knows our home number) that it's easier to reach me than her own doctor.

Last week Syndee got married, and went off to Hawaii for her honeymoon.

This morning, at 12:05 a.m., I was woken by our home phone ringing.

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmmph, hello?"

Syndee: "Hi! Dr. Grumpy! It's me, Syndee!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What the hell?... Syndee do you know what time it is?"

Syndee: "Sure! It's just after dinner! Why, is your clock broken?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, it's after midnight here."

Syndee: "It is not! I wouldn't call that late!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Syndee, you're in another time zone."

Syndee: "What's a time zone?"

Dr. Grumpy (sigh): "Why did you call Syndee?"

Syndee: "Well, um, In the last few days I've developed a bladder infection and..."

Dr. Grumpy (seeing an opportunity to get even): "What the HELL have you been doing on your honeymoon to get a bladder infection?"

Syndee: "Well, um, my husband and me, um we, um... Can you just call in some antibiotics for me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you call your regular doctor for this?"

Syndee: "Her office is closed, and I don't want to bother her."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good night, Syndee." (hangs up)

Overheard at the nursing station

Morning shift-change check-out:

Nurse 1: "Your patient in room 822 is going to a nursing home in 20 minutes."

Nurse 2: "Oh, good. I love to start my day with a discharge."

Surrounding nurses & doctors start snickering.

Wednesday afternoon

Mrs. Bos: "I need to find a new internist."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up? You've been with Dr. Moonray for years?"

Mrs. Bos: "He went to some seminar on 'natural health' and now he tells me that my epilepsy is from drinking milk. He said that if I stop all dairy products, my epilepsy will cure itself, and I can quit taking Depakote."

Dr. Grumpy: "You've had epilepsy since you were a kid, haven't you?"

Mrs. Bos: "Yeah, and it runs in my family. My sister actually died a few years ago when she stopped her medications, and he says I should sue her doctor because he never discussed stopping milk with her."

Dr. Grumpy: "Wow."

Mrs. Bos: "Yeah, and when I told him that I liked and trusted you, he told me you were secretly being paid by the pharmacy and dairy companies to hide the truth about medications and milk from your patients."

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!!"

Mrs. Bos: "Yeah, that's exactly what I said."

Pause

Dr. Grumpy: "Let me give you some names..."