Money well spent

Mr. Mercury: "I'm always concerned about my blood pressure. I have a blood-pressure machine at home, and I even travel with it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where do your pressures usually run?"

Mr. Mercury: "I don't know. I've never used it."

Great captcha moments

While commenting on another blog recently, I got this verification word:






I'm trying not to take it personally.

Memories...

One year we returned from vacation a day early, because of a problem with one of our dogs. My parents had taken him to the vet for us, and Mrs. Grumpy wanted to rush home and get him (he was her baby).

The vet's office was closed for the weekend when we got back, but they'd told us the 20-something girl who stayed with the pets overnight would let us in to get Fido, since it was a special circumstance and we were established clients.

Anyway, we came by, and she let me in to get the dog. I had some questions, and was talking to her in the lobby for a few minutes. Her shirt was on inside-out, but I didn't pay much attention to it until a naked guy came wandering out of the back and said, "Hey, don't leave me hanging... Oh, sorry" and ran back.

She blushed. I took the dog and left.

Dr. Grumpy at his finest

A while back I was called to the hospital to see a guy with a stroke affecting his language cortex. He wasn't able to talk at all. He didn't have any weakness or other issues, just couldn't speak.

It was a pretty notable stroke on MRI. I spent some time talking to his wife, then went home.

The next day I was absolutely shocked when I was on rounds, and he got in the elevator with me! He looked great, was dressed in his street clothes, and I began talking to him. His speech was excellent. It was the most remarkable recovery I'd ever seen in such a a short time.

It was the patient's identical twin brother, coming to visit him.


I'm legendary for my stellar performances on rounds. This was another one.

Oh for hell's sake!

Thank you, Caya!

Probably me, someday

Mrs. Carehome: "A friend of mine is a doctor, and he wrote down some questions for you about my condition."

(hands over a folded piece of paper)

Dr. Grumpy: "Ma'am, this makes no sense. It's just a random jumble of words and letters, and they don't relate to anything. Are you sure your friend is a doctor?"

Mrs. Carehome: "The nurse said he used to be. We both live over at Shady Hills, though he's in the Alzheimer's unit."

Neat trick

Dr. Grumpy: "What do you do when the hand goes numb?"

Mr. Palmer: "I take out my neck and adjust it."

Things that make me grumpy

Doctor Grumpy's vote is worthless every 4 years.

That doesn't mean I don't vote for President- I always do. And almost every other election that comes up.

Every political system has it's quirks. And this one is a real pet peeve of mine.

To give some background for my non-U.S. readers:

The American political system started, like most, in an era when horses were the main method of transportation, and hence long-distance communication of news. So it wasn't practical to count every single nationwide vote in Presidential elections every 4 years (there were other issues for the electoral college, but I'll let commentators fill those in).

Each U.S. state was given a certain number of votes in an electoral college, based on how many congressional representatives it has. In this system, whichever candidate gets > 50% of the vote in a state gets ALL that state's electoral college votes. It's all-or-nothing. To be fair, a few states have tried to remedy this, by splitting up electoral votes by districts, or based on percentages of popular votes. But for most, it's still all-or-nothing.

So 3 times in American history the winner of a Presidential election was NOT the person who won the majority of the popular vote.

Now, in an era where you had to tabulate votes locally, and send the results by horseback, this system made sense. But with the invention of the telegraph, and then the radio, telephone, and internet, it's not needed. The technology is now there to count every vote, which certainly would be fairer.

So, since Dr. Grumpy lives in a state where he's in the political minority, his Presidential vote is meaningless. All my state's electoral votes go to the other side.

The practical result of this is that, out of the 50 U.S. states, only 10 or so really are the ones that elect a President. They call them "swing states", where they have a large number of electoral votes AND a population that's fairly evenly split. And so politicians only focus on kissing ass in those areas, and ignore the other 80% of us.

Now, most Americans hate this crap. Polls taken regularly since 1944 have shown that a large majority of Americans want to toss the electoral college and just go to direct election by popular vote.

Has this ever even come close to happening? Hell no. Why not, you ask?

Because it's not in the best interest of any major political party!

Let's look at this: Say I'm Humungous Political Party, trying to get my bozo elected. I have a finite amount of money to blow on TV ads, public rallies, etc. Say, (for simplicity) it's $100.

In the current system I can focus that $100 on the 10 states where it matters (at $10/state), and ignore the rest of the voting peons all over the country.

But, if the electoral college were gone, then every single vote, from populous New York to rural Alaska, becomes equal. I'd have to spread my resources thin and blow only $2/state trying to reach everyone with a ballot.

No political party wants to do that. They want to focus their dollars on a concentrated area, getting the most returns for their spending.

You can write to your congressman all you want. He'll agree with you, then vote the opposite way. Multiple attempts to change this have been introduced, and all were killed off early.

After all, voting equality is so un-democratic and un-American.

Bring me Haldol STAT! Oh, and a banana.

What do the CIA, Elvis, a former President, and orangutans have in common?

This guy, apparently.

Thank you, Tanya!

Patient quote of the day

"Doctor, I really want to know if I have something. Because if it's anything, it would probably be something. And I want to know if it's something. If it's nothing, then that's not anything, but I need to know if it's anything like something or nothing."

Jerry Springer meets Dr. Grumpy

Sermo is one of many online medical communities. I tried it a few years back, but deleted my membership out of boredom. I'd never written any posts, and got tired of the daily emails on such controversial topics as "doctors should provide patient care," "we all want to make more money," and "hospitals are for sick people."

Anyway, apparently they've livened things up (or it was online sweeps week) because my reader Sally sent in this headline, which was a "Sermo Pick" last week (on Valentine's Day, no less):

(click to enlarge)





This was, actually, a tragic story. A married doctor (Hyo Shin, age 64) had been having an 18-month affair with Sarah Garibay (age 29) a lady he met at a strip bar, and became her "sugar daddy". He died after her other sugar daddy (Jeff Clay, age 49) walked in on them at an inopportune time and beat Dr. Shin. The doctor then jumped out a window to escape, and eventually died from his injuries. Clay has been sentenced to 12 years for voluntary manslaughter.

In a surprising twist, the late Dr. Shin's wife told the court that her husband had "a high moral standard and would not stand for one speck of immorality."

The wife of the convicted Mr. Clay testified that he was "hard-working and non-violent", and that she still wanted him to come back to her even though he'd been seeing 2 other women and using methamphetamine.

Another story noted that Miss Garibay (who denied being a prostitute) testified in court while "wearing a short skirt and low-cut top." She said she "immensely" loved her married boyfriend Clay, and was "hurt" that he subsequently tried to hire a prison inmate to kill her, too.

Anyway, I asked some of my colleagues about their takes on this story, and they had a few pointers:

1. Don't date people you meet at a strip bar.

2. If you do, let the buyer beware.

3. At 64 you should know better.

4. Avoid sugar daddies on meth.

5. There are worse obituaries to have, but not many.

6. Isn't there anything better to do in Yuba City?

Nice haircut, though

Look: Even if you're in a wheelchair, that doesn't give you a license to be a crook.

And if you're going to rob a convenience store, at least have a decent getaway plan.

Thank you, Don!

We have a winner!

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Florida: "Yeah, I'm a patient of Dr. Cortex, and I left my medicine back in Grumpyville. I'm visiting family in Orlando."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, do you have a pharmacy number there?"

Mr. Florida: "Um, no. Do you recommend any pharmacies near my hotel?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, I have no idea what's there. Why don't you look around the area you're in, or ask someone at the hotel desk?"

Mr. Florida: "Am I allowed to do that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Mr. Florida: "Do you know what medications I'm on?"

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean you don't?"

Mr. Florida: "I told you, I left the bottle at home. I think it was in milligrams. Does that help?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have a way of looking them up?"

Mr. Florida: "Of course. I keep them all on my iPhone."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where is that?"

Mr. Florida: "In my hand. I'm talking on it."

Guest post from Officer Cynical

Today, February 19, 2012, marks the 67th anniversary of the Marines' landing on the island of Iwo Jima. 70,000 U.S. Marines and support troops went ashore against 22,060 entrenched Japanese.

On March 26, 1945, when the island was declared secured, 6,812 Americans (10%) were dead or missing, and an additional 19,217 (27%) had been wounded. Of the defending Japanese force, only 217 were captured. The remaining 21,844 (99%) were killed.

27 Medals of Honor were awarded (13 posthumously) - over one-fourth of all the MOHs awarded to Marines in all of WWII.

I recently had the honor of meeting an Iwo Jima survivor at an assisted living facility. He summed it up this way: "The Japs would not surrender. They wouldn't come out of their caves. So, we burned them out with our flamethrowers, then shot them with our rifles. It was awful".

The picture I've included is not the one you might expect - the flag-raising on Mt. Suribachi. Rather, it is a landing craft of "average" Marines, most in their 20's, throwing themselves into the raging inferno, despite their fears and trepidations. Home must have seemed like a distant planet. We owe them everything.