Chemistry of Walmart

People of Walmart + Chemistry 101 = Bad Idea.

Mary, bring me a strong drink

Dr. Grumpy: "You haven't had a seizure in years. What happened?"

Mrs. Flake: "I stopped taking my epilepsy medication last week. It was causing all kinds of terrible side effects."

Dr. Grumpy: "But... You've taken ShakeAway for 5 years, and never had a problem with it before."

Mrs. Flake: "Well, I took my pills at bedtime one night, like I normally do. And the next morning I woke up with a fever and sore throat. I was achy all over, and my nose was stuffy. After 2 days of this I realized it was probably from ShakeAway, and stopped it. The next day I was feeling better, so it must have been the drug."

Dr. Grumpy: "Ma'am, it sounds like you just had a cold. That's all. The medicine had nothing to do with it. Let me give you a schedule to restart it."

Mrs. Flake: "That poison! I just told you, it made me sick! Don't you listen? I refuse to start it again."

Today's news

In a new meaning to the phrase "water hazard" an Australian golf course has a family of sharks living in a water trap.

And in Florida, a legislator concerned about the unemployment issues facing people of below-average-height is trying to revive the bizarre sport of dwarf tossing.

Celebrity Endorsement

Craig and his hair were picked to read the morning announcements for 2 weeks on Wingnut School's closed-circuit TV channel

He took this very seriously, so he'd bring the announcements home each night and practice them endlessly for the next day.

Let me tell you, there are very few things that can drive you crazier than a kid re-reading ad infinitum things like "Band practice is at 12:45 on the north field. The chess club will meet in the library at 2:15. There will be a bake sale to support the 6th grade field trip at 3:00 in front of the cafeteria." Over and over and over again.

Anyway.

This past weekend was the annual Boy Scout popcorn sale in front of Local Grocery. So Craig and his hair were out accosting shoppers, when a tween girl stopped in front of the table.

Craig: "Would you like to buy some popcorn?"

Tween Girl: "Hey! You're that kid on school TV!"

Craig: "Yes I am! Would you like an autographed bag of Scout popcorn?"

Tween Girl: "Yeah! And I love your hair!"


In a few hours he sold $600 worth of popcorn

Attention patients

Leaving the message "Oh my God! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!" On my voicemail at 8:59 p.m., with no other information, will not get you a call back.

Random pictures

All right, today I'm going to put up some shots you guys have sent in.

First, is an older ad for Viagra. I'm unsure if the image is inspired by the song line "Get your motor running" or the juice commercial tag-line "I could have had a V-8!".






Next, in a sign that the apocalypse is coming, the world has apparently run out of names for wine.






To send email attachments, they now sell internet shipping labels. I had no idea you needed them, and obviously I've been doing email all wrong.







And last is this fortune cookie I got recently. I can only assume it refers to the occasional vegetables I see in my practice.

"Pssst... Hey, you wanna buy a bridge?"

Yes, it actually happened. Police in Pennsylvania are reporting that someone has stolen an entire bridge, 50' by 20'.

So, if you happen to notice that your neighbors have installed a new bridge over their pool, or see someone selling a bridge door-to-door in your neighborhood, please call police immediately.

Thank you, Webhill!

Today's mail

Got a letter from Grumpy National Bank saying they're increasing the fee on all fuel purchases made on my office premises.

Mary, have those gas pumps removed from the lobby. I guess they weren't my best idea. We'll also have to stop selling ziploc bags full of premium unleaded to the patients.

Games

Dr. Grumpy: "Your memory test was fine."

Mr. Bogus: "But I didn't have a memory test!"

Dr. Grumpy: "You did, last week. I have the results here. You did fine."

Mr. Bogus: "That's impossible. I couldn't answer half the questions! And the girl who did the exam was confusing me!"

Dr. Grumpy: "So... you do remember the test?"

Mr. Bogus: "Yes! I mean no! I have terrible memory problems! I can't remember anything! What are we talking about?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Never mind. Hey, when is your disability paperwork due?"

Mr. Bogus: "Next Wednesday, before 5:00 east coast time. The fax number is 867-5309. Do you need the address? I have it in my wallet."

Dr. Grumpy: "How did you remember that?"

Mr. Bogus: "How did I remember what?"

WTF?

Dr. Grumpy: "That could have been serious. Why didn't you go to ER?"

Mr. Spacecadet: "I considered it, but the whole ER concept is such an intangible."

Business

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll see how you do with physical therapy, and then..."

Mr. Cullet: "Hey, doc, who installed your office windows?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I have no idea. I just rent the space, and it was built long before I moved in."

Mr. Cullet: "Well, you could have better windows. I can get you a great deal on new ones."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thanks, but I don't own the building. You'd have to talk to the managing company."

Mr. Cullet: "The new ones would be good quality, all-weather windows, with top-notch energy saving features."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but I can't buy new windows for a building I don't own. Let's focus on your arm pain. So I'll see you back after therapy, and then we'll decide if more studies are needed."

Mr. Cullet: "Okay, doc, but you're missing out on a great deal."

Goodbye, Steve

Thank you.

IG

p.s. Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Mary's desk, October 5, 2011

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Newpatient: "Hi, I have an appointment for tomorrow, and have a question."

Mary: "Okay?"

Ms. Newpatient: "On your website it says you use Grumpyville Billing Service."

Mary: "Correct."

Ms. Newpatient: "You need to change that. I refuse to come in unless the doctor fires them immediately. They've turned me into collections for several other doctor's offices, and I'm tired of them doing that."

More reasons I use Rogaine

Dr. Grumpy: "At your last visit you switched to generic Noshakes. How's it been working for you?"

Mr. Ictal: "I need to go back to the brand name. I've had 3 seizures in the last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not good. Let me write you a new prescription."

Mr. Ictal: "Okay. I need one. I ran out of all my pills 2 weeks ago, and haven't taken any since then."