Things you hear on call

I was on call this weekend, and during my appointed rounds I overheard the following quotes, which you won't normally hear outside a hospital:

"I cleaned it up. I can clean up vomit like nobody's business."

"You should have seen her on the toilet! She pees like a mad woman!"

"He has scabs all over his penis from scratching it. It's gross. There's more scab than penis."

Nurse Night: "I told the lady in room 37 that I liked her hair style."
Nurse Day: "Yeah, I think it's a good one, too."
Nurse Night: "She took it off and handed it to me!"

Sociology 101

Yesterday we took the kids to Local Family Fun Place. As I watched them on a ride, two mid-teen girls went by, and I got to witness this:

First girl: (aggressively picking nose): "I don't like this place. We never meet any cute guys here."

Second girl: "Yeah. I wonder if we'd have more luck at the arcade. BURP!"

First girl: (eats booger) "We'll go there next time."

Random pictures

Due to trouble waking up today, I simply present a pair of pictures.

The first was sent by a reader who says he took this one of a store somewhere on the Iberian peninsula (obviously, he violated their "no pictures" policy, as seen in the bottom left corner).






The second is from a reader who says she was taking an online survey about grocery shopping, and discovered this multiple choice question.

(click to enlarge)

Anatomy

Mr. Notochord: "I have all these tumors! Right there, on my back!"

Dr. Grumpy: (examining patient): "Ummm, okay, where?"

Mr. Notochord: "It's a whole row of them! In a straight line, going down the middle of my back! They're really hard when you press on them."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, those aren't tumors. It's the vertebral bones of your back."

Mr. Notochord: "That's what all the other doctors say, too! Why doesn't anyone believe me that they're tumors?!!! This is so frustrating!"

Today's criminal tip

Look, if you're going to rob a convenience store, IT IS NOT recommended that you hand over a note with your name written on it.

Especially if it's paperwork pertaining to your previous encounters with the law.

Like this guy.

Holy SPF 55, Batman!

I'd like to thank my reader Jeanette, who says this card was mailed to her office recently.

Dear Ms. Rutkowski,

Your business card was forwarded to me by a reader this week.

I must say, that in all the years I've dealt with various answering services, it never occurred to me that the operators lived in tanning beds.





If I'm wrong, and that happens to be your normal skin color, I'd suggest you see a dermatologist. They should be back from New Orleans by now.

p.s. I love the vintage green phone handset.

Patient quote of the day

"Doctor, my husband and I just got back from a trip to the Holy Land. Do you know that mostly Jews and Arabs live there?"

Mary, I'm going to go work at Big Lots.

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you on any medications?"

Mr. Forget: "I take Norvasc, for my blood pressure."

Lady Forget: "No, you take Cartia. I take Norvasc."

Mr. Forget: "It says Norvasc right here, on my list."

Lady Forget: "That's my list."

Mr. Forget: "It doesn't have a name on it."

Lady Forget: "Hmmm. Maybe I do take Cartia."

Mr. Forget: "Doctor, I take one kind of blood pressure pill, and she takes another. Is that good enough?"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

14 DAYS, 3 HOURS, 27 MINUTES!!!

AND DR. PISSY HAS CRACKED!!!





Welcome to the dark side, young Skywalker...

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Dear Teachers,

As we all know by now, there was a small fire yesterday in Building 7 at Douglas C. Kenney Elementary School. It involved a storage room with some paint and wood. Fortunately, between the sprinklers and the fire department, it was out quickly with only minimal damage.

As your school nurse, responding to the fire alarm is part of my job. After all, someone might be injured. So when the siren went off I grabbed my first aid kit & stethescope, and skeedadled over. I didn't grab my umbrella, which I should have because it was lightly raining.

When I got over to Building 7, with the alarm blaring and smoke coming out of the utility room, I was somewhat surprised to see NOBODY outside, in the orderly lines that you do so well during fire drills.

I was even more surprised to find all students in their room, with teachers, continuing regular lessons (albeit shouting loudly over the alarm).

Let's review:

When you hear the fire alarm, take your students and GO OUTSIDE!!! When I ask teachers WHY THE HELL everyone is still inside, "Because it's raining" IS NOT an acceptable answer. I don't care if the children don't have coats/ponchos/umbrellas. It wasn't even that heavy, for freak's sake.

When I do finally herd your stupid butts outside, telling your kids to stay dry by standing under the wooden overhangs that are connected to the building IS NOT a good idea. You are supposed to get far away from the building, to the corners of the playground.

We practice this damn drill 4 times a year. So when it really happens, WTF can't you carry it out?

Mental Imagery

As I was leaving the hospital tonight, I noticed this sign in the doctor's lounge:

"Medical Grand Rounds this week: Pushing the train out of the tunnel- New treatments for constipation."

Sunday night, 8:55 p.m.

"Hi, this is Liza Shakin. I had a seizure today. You don't need to call me back, I just wanted to let you know. I'm in ER, and they're going to do a CT scan and some labs to find out why I had one. Anyway, I'm calling to leave a message for Annie, because I need my epilepsy pills called into the pharmacy since I ran out 2 weeks ago, and I keep forgetting to ask you guys for more. Thank you."

Life in Line

I went to Costco yesterday to stock up on Diet Coke and return a video game.

The lady in front of me in the return line had one of those outdoor heaters (the tall ones, like you see at restaurants) in a cart. But it was in several pieces, scarred black with fire & smoke stains, with the metal twisted, and in some places melted. It had clearly had some sort of catastrophe.

So the guy at the counter takes her receipt, and says "Was there a problem with the item?"

"Hey, wasn't this in an Alfred Hitchcock film?"

I guess there are ways to kill people that aren't in the game "Clue".

Such as this.

Thank you, Webhill!