What a deal

Webhill sent in this non-artisanal restaurant sign that she passed on the street recently.





Personally, I don't want to pay $21.99 to get crabs. Even if the lady in the picture is the one giving them to me. That special shampoo is expensive.

But I do like the camera angle, which appears to have been used so you can personally verify whether or not she does, indeed, have crabs.

After winning Jeopardy! Watson goes to work at a pharmacy

And totally screws things up.





And yes I ALWAYS write refills in whole numbers.

A Day in the Life

Mr. Voice: "Hello, Megalithic Suxshit Insurance Company, can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Ibee Grumpy. In the past 2 days I've faxed you the same form on a patient 3 times and..."

Mr. Voice: "We haven't received a form from you at all, Mr. Grumpy."

Dr. Grumpy: "...and each time I do you guys call a few hours later to say you haven't received it yet."

Mr. Voice: "What number are you faxing it to Mr. Grumpy?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's Dr. Grumpy. I faxed it to 1-800-FAX-HERE, the number printed at the top of the form."

Mr. Voice: "Mr. Grumpy, that's the wrong number. You should be faxing it to 1-800-SUX-SHIT. Where did you get that other number?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the only fax number on the form! It's at the top of the page, right next to a sentence that says 'Please fax this form to the following number.' "

Mr. Voice: "Just because it says that on the form doesn't mean you were supposed to fax it there."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but if the number to fax it to ISN'T the one on your form, how do I find out what the number is that I'm supposed to use?"

Mr. Voice: "You need to request that number by sending us a fax."

Hazards of the job

Mrs. Ancient didn't show up for an appointment last week. Mary had left a reminder message on her machine the day before, but she didn't come in. It happens, and so I moved on to my next patient and forgot about it.

Last evening we were having the usual home night. Doing homework, asking kids to brush their teeth for the 18th time, etc, when my cell phone rang.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Policeman: "Hi, this is Officer Badge of the Grumpyville Police. Is Mrs. Ancient a patient of yours?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, yeah, what's up?"

Mr. Policeman: "Well, we were notified today about uncollected mail. We entered her home tonight, and found her lying dead in her bed. It looks like she's been there a few weeks. There's a message on her answering machine from your office..."


Poor Mrs. Ancient.


This morning I told Mary about it.

Mary: "OMG! So you mean the whole time I was talking into her answering machine she was really lying there..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh."

(sigh)

Dr. Grumpy: "When did the dizziness start?"

Mrs. Batty: "Well, I saw you for it last year! Don't you remember?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hmmm. I don't see dizziness mentioned anywhere in your chart..."

Mrs. Batty: "It's the same thing, but a year ago I called it a headache. Except it's really not a headache at all. It's never been a headache. And I want to know why you didn't tell me it wasn't a headache in the first place. You're a doctor, and should know better."

New policy, Marie

This year the Girl Scouts are requiring background checks on people looking to buy cookies, to prevent unfortunate incidents of this type from happening.

Dear Uloric,

Thank you for inviting me to watch "leading physicians" discuss your product.

Honestly, however, all I see in this picture are 2 gents who appear to be desperately in need of a men's room.





In fact, they look sort of like I do on weekend call (though better dressed), loaded with Diet Coke, having no time to pee, smiling blandly as the ER pages me again, and wondering how much it would hurt to put a catheter in until Monday morning to save time.

Help wanted: New medical secretary

Dr. Grumpy: "Hey, where are the Peanut Butter M&M's?"

Mary: "Oh, we put all the M&M's in the tupperware container over there."

Dr. Grumpy: "But there were 2 bags, the PB's and the dark chocolate..."

Mary: "Yeah, we just put them all in it. It's over there."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mixed PB's with dark chocolate? That's sacrilege!"

Mary: "You're a doctor. The PB's are bigger. I'm sure you can tell the difference and pick them out."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not the point! You shouldn't mix them! The crappy dark chocolate ones will contaminate the PB's just by being in contact with them."

Mary: "Tough. From looking at your butt I don't think you need either."

Yes, those count

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?

Mr. Needle: "Nope. Everybody is healthy. I mean, unless you count diabetes. Or cancer. Or heart stuff."

I guess it's a pop-up ad, huh?

I'm reading the news online this morning, and this ad was on the web page.

I can't help it. I'm immature and juvenile.

Sunday afternoon, 1:28 p.m.

Mrs. Grumpy and I are taking a nap. My home phone rings, waking me up.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?."

Mr. Pissmeoff: "Hi, um, Dr. Grumpy. You don't know me, but my kids also go to Wingnut Elementary, and I got your phone number out of the school directory."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..."

Mr. Pissmeoff: "My wife has MS, and is in Local Hospital. She sees Dr. Darth, across the street from you."

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't cover for Dr. Darth, sir. You'll have to call his office."

Mr. Pissmeoff: "I know you don't. But she wants to go home, and he hasn't been in to see her yet today. Can you please come in and discharge her instead?"

Fire safety

I was on my way to Costco yesterday.

I passed an old Ford pickup. It had been modified so the ENTIRE BACK OF THE TRUCK was gone. They'd shortened the axle, and had the rear wheels under the cab.

They had the gas tank welded to the roof of the cab, with fuel lines running down over the windshield to the engine. There was no hood.

The windows were open. The driver was smoking.

More crap

All right, ever since I became side-tracked on what I consider to be the major threat currently facing humanity - the sickening overuse of the word "artisan" and its derivatives - everyone else has been noticing it too. Recently it's even been prominently featured in a nationwide TV ad to describe mass-produced ravioli, of all freakin' things.

Anyway, since it's too late for me to go back and pretend I never started this, here are some of the more irritating examples of the problem that have been sent in:


From Shannon, who says this was at Starbucks (assumedly not made by kosher artisans). This one gets bonus irritation points for also having the word "handcrafted" in it:






Kathy saw this at the grocery store:






And Jaime, also from the grocer's:

Patients say the darndest things

Dr. Grumpy: "Any side effects on the medication?"

Mr. Stiffy: "Well, I uh, I mean, um... you know, I, uh, when I'm about to, um, fall off the cliff, so I start rubbing it faster, but I don't fall off that cliff, no matter how fast and hard I rub. You know what I mean, doc?"