Justifiable homicide

I was seeing a new patient, and as usual had a can of Diet Coke on my desk. Yesterday afternoon, for variety, it was the kind with lime.


Mr. Manners: "It hurts when I climb stairs, and... Hey, how is that lime-flavored Diet Coke? I've never tried it."

Dr. Grumpy: "I like it, I go back and forth between it, regular Diet Coke, and..."

Mr. Manners reaches over, picks up my Diet Coke, and freakin' DRINKS SOME!

Mr. Manners: "Hey! That is good! I'll have to buy some."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uhhh, you can keep that one."

Mr. Manners: "Really? Thanks, doc! Anyway, sometimes the foot goes numb and..."

Patient quote of the day

"I have an excellent sense of smell. I can especially smell vanilla. My husband and I once measured it, and found I can smell an open bottle of vanilla from 8 3/4 miles away."

'Tis the season

Yes, folks, Christmakuh, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and Solstice are fast approaching, and it's time for

(drumroll please...)

The Dr. Grumpy Guide to Holiday Shopping!

I'd like to thank the catalog companies who have inundated my home with their wares, and the readers who have sent in ideas, to help me guide you.

This tradition started last year because patients routinely call my office asking if we have any gift ideas (NO! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THEY CALL ME!!!), so I figure many of you are dying to do the same.

So I'm here to help you, my loyal readers, find some of the best gifts out there, and will present them over the next few weeks.

Last year's most (un)popular item, based on comments, was this tasteful set of mens' clothes. In all honesty, I'm not sure I'll be able to top them, but will try.

So, to kick off your holiday shopping, I'm starting with 2 exquisite items, both from the same site.

Artist Leah Piepgras (who I don't know at all) apparently felt the world needed a set of dishes displaying the human digestive tract. Each place setting features 5 dishes, with individual pictures of various organs "from mouth to anus". Her site lists them as an "exercise in mindfulness", though I personally see it as a way to encourage dieting.

This, for example, is the dinner plate featuring intestines.



To see the rest of these awesome plates, or even to order your own set, you can visit her site. Move your cursor over the plates to see the different anatomy pics.


Not into dinnerware? Well, Ms. Piepgras also has a lovely silver necklace available. Namely this:





Yes, I know you're wondering "What the heck is that?"

Well, according to her site, it's "an accurate representation of semen" (REALLY!) in case you enjoy looking like someone just ejaculated on your sternal notch. She has 2 different blob-o-semen shapes available. Both can be viewed here.

The donor is uncredited.

Saturday night, 10:54 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Tech: "Yeah, I'm calling from Local Lab about your patient, Hugh Neverheardofhim. His sodium is 114, and his potassium is..."

Dr. Grumpy: "This isn't my patient."

Mr. Tech: "Well, your phone number is on the order. Aren't you Dr. Grumpy, the nephrologist?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm a neurologist."

Mr. Tech: "Whatever. I'm just notifying you of your patient's abnormal labs."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's not my patient! You've got the wrong doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Okay, who should I call now?"

Dr. Grumpy: "His kidney doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Do you know his number?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No! I don't even know who it is."

Mr. Tech: "Can you look it up for me?"

Dear Family Fun magazine,

Earlier this week Mrs. Grumpy was reading your November issue for Thanksgiving ideas.

As she looked through the pages she came across your instructions for the "Tossing Turkey" game, and how to make the toy drumstick.

The reason she brought it to my attention was that the diagram in the upper right corner seemed, uh, somewhat X-rated.

(click to enlarge)

Dreams

So Mrs. Grumpy and I enjoyed our day off by (drumroll please)...

TAKING A NAP!

(I know, we're a wild and crazy pair)

During my nap, I dreamed I was looking through a catalog of childrens' clothes, and there was a line of "oversize" clothes by a company called "Because your kid is fat!"

I thought this was so incredibly tasteless, I tore out the page, and was going to scan it in so I could use it on the blog.

Then I woke up, and was incredibly disappointed to realize there was no such clothing line, and so no blog post.

That is so pathetic.

Friday morning

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Phone: "Hi, I had an appointment with you last month, and I need to come in again."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, my office is closed today. Can I have Mary call you on Monday?"

Mr. Phone: "No, I need to see you today."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, the office is closed, but you've got me on the phone. What can I do for you?"

Mr. Phone: "Yeah, but on the phone, how do I know it's you? I mean, you could be a phone operator or something. I really want to talk to the doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, I promise it's Dr. Grumpy, and I have your chart in front of me. What's up?"

Mr. Phone: "I'm not comfortable with this. I think I'll just go to ER." (click)

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy, writing for Thanksgiving.

When I was 5, my family lived in Massachusetts. My dad was a graduate student at the time, my mother was raising 3 kids. Dad worked 2 jobs, AND was an amateur boxer, to support us.

That winter we ran out of money. I didn't have a coat for school, and my parents couldn't afford one. My mom would dress me in multiple layers of her shirts to send me to school.

Somehow, through our church, word got out that there was a little girl who needed a coat. A family out there bought me a brand new one in my size, and donated it through the church.

I still don't know who they are, or how they heard about me. But it was warm, and fit me perfectly, and was my favorite coat EVER. It was still in good shape when I gave it to another family in need. By that time we weren't living in Massachusetts anymore.

Whoever you are who bought me that coat so long ago, thank you. It made all the difference in the world to me. And still does.

Great drug rep moments

"Hi, Dr. Grumpy. It's good to see you. Thank you for signing for samples. I hope you've been doing okay. How are your kids? My son is getting divorced. But that's fine, because I never liked her. Is this going to be enough samples for you? I wish the company would give us more. We also have the new 50mg pills, I don't have any here, but will send you some info. Are you ready for the holidays? My company is doing layoffs. I have no idea if I'll have this job in a month. I'm bringing lunch next week. Do you like turkey? I thought about getting some, but I think that would be overkill. Don't you? My daughter hates turkey, but she has all kinds of food allergies. I bet she got them from my ex, because there isn't anything right about him. She's interested in going into medicine, too. Do you have any advice for her? I can bring sandwiches instead. I found a new place I like, but they toast the bread, and not everyone likes that. I'll ask if they can leave some plain. This drug, by the way, is now on first tier with all major insurance plans. Which plans do you take? A friend of mine should probably see you, I'll have to find out what insurance she's on. Thank you for your time, and I'll see you next week."

November 24, 1931

Ghost ships are the stuff of legends and Halloween stories. But some ghosts are real...




The S.S. Baychimo


The Baychimo was a small, sturdy, freighter owned by the Hudson Bay Company. Her job was to travel the coast of Victoria Island in the Canadian arctic, trading supplies with the local Inuit people for valuable fur pelts. She worked during the area's brief open water season (July to September) spending the rest of the year in Vancouver.

The winter of 1931 came early, and Baychimo was frozen in ice several times while returning home. By mid-October she was stuck fast near Point Barrow, Alaska. Most of her crew were evacuated by aircraft (the first time a long-range air rescue was accomplished).




The Baychimo trapped in ice, November, 1931.


A group of hardy souls decided to stay with her until the spring thaw, as they'd collected a particularly valuable fur cargo that year. They built a shelter ashore, and settled in for several months of night.

On November 24 an exceptionally violent blizzard struck, surprising even the arctic veterans with its ferocity. In the morning, mountains of ice 70 feet high were piled where the ship had been. The Baychimo was gone, crushed under tons of ice and snow and sent to the bottom.

Or so they thought...

The men radioed for rescue, but it would take a few days. As they waited a passing Inupiat told them the ship was adrift several miles down the coast. They set out on foot, finding her again trapped in ice. They took as many pelts as they could before returning to the shelter. Another violent storm was coming, and they assumed it would sink her.

The Baychimo had other ideas.

The second storm pushed her out of the ice and into the open sea, free to wander the icy north alone.

Over the next several years she was infrequently seen, and rarely boarded. Some of the valuable furs were even removed. But no one was able to bring her in. Attempts to restart her engines failed, and storms (which some claimed the ship had summoned) always drove would-be salvagers away. In one harrowing case a group of Inupiat boarded her, only to have a sudden storm trap them on the derelict for 10 days.

She was seen every few years, and each time the assumption was made that it would be the last. Only to have her show up again. Scientists, hunters, and fishermen. Inupiat tribe members. Russian, American, & Canadian ships and planes. All reported her at one time or another as she wandered the Arctic waters.

She was last seen in the Beaufort Sea in 1969, having survived 38 years afloat and alone in one of the world's harshest environments.

Today it's assumed she's at the bottom, and I suspect they're right. But who knows? Alaska has begun trying to catalog the estimated 4000 wrecks along the state's shores, and maybe she'll be found.

Or maybe not.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again

So many people these days give up too easily. They try something once, it doesn't work, and so they don't bother to do it again.

It was therefore refreshing to read this news story, about an enterprising gentleman who was willing to try something a second time, after the first hadn't worked out.

Here's the link.

Thank you, Jennifer!

Order! Order in the court!

Mr. Old: "I can't run as fast. I play tennis 5 days a week, and my serve isn't as strong as it was years ago."

Dr. Grumpy: "Dave, you're 85. You can't expect to be the same person you were years ago. None of us can. The fact that you're as healthy and active as you are at 85 is remarkable in itself."

Lady Old: "Dave, listen to the doctor. We're both getting old. We need to accept that, and be glad for what we have."

Mr. Old: "OH! Like you're one to talk!"

Lady Old: "What do you mean by that?"

Mr. Old: "You're the one getting your boobs fixed, or some other procedure, every other month!"

Lady Old: "That's different! It's for my self esteem! So I don't feel old!"

Mr. Old: "It isn't any different! And your boob jobs and stuff are a hell of a lot more expensive than a round of tennis!"

Lady Old "Leave my breasts out of this! This is your appointment!"

Mr. Old "It's not like you ever let me go to yours!"

Nutritional supplements

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you on any medications?"

Mr. Farmdee: "No. I only take supplements that I get from my other doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "What supplements?"

Mr. Farmdee: "Um... I think they're called Coumadin, Cardizem, and Zoloft."

Monday morning incontinence

Over the weekend they were doing a CPR class in my office building. I saw them bringing the resuscitation dummies in on Friday afternoon.





This morning I got to the building, parked, and sleepily walked to the elevator.

The door opened, revealing a head and torso - separated from each other - lying in it.

After my pulse returned to normal, I called the hospital to let them know they'd left one of the dummies in the building, and where to find it.