I'm SO flattered

This was on a new patient form yesterday afternoon.

Puttin' on the ritz

Dr. Pissy's wife has a little black mop of a dog named Fancy. Mrs. Pissy is never without her.

Yesterday one of Dr. Pissy's staff was out, so Mrs. Pissy came in to help. And, of course, she brought Fancy.

Fancy spent most of the time trapped in the break room, but during lunch was allowed to roam the office since there weren't any patients.

After she was cooped up again I brought my 1:00 back, and gave him directions. "Go on back, 2nd room on the right, have a seat and I'll be with you in a sec" (I wanted to get a Diet Coke).

So after I had a can, I headed back to my office. The patient was standing in the hallway.

"Uh, doc, do you know there's a pile of dog shit in your office?"

Mary's Desk, November 1, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Ms. Nitpick: "Yes, I'd like to make a follow-up with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we have a 4:30 tomorrow afternoon."

Ms. Nitpick: "That won't work. It's too early. How about 5:00?"

Mary: "No, I'm sorry, but the doctor leaves at 5:00 each day to do hospital work."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:45?"

Mary: "Our last follow-up slot is at 4:30."

Ms. Nitpick: "What about 4:35?"

Early morning hospital rounds

Phil is an old patient of mine. He's demented, and on the occasions where he lands in the hospital he becomes confused and hallucinates.

So whenever he's in I drop by to make things aren't getting out of hand.

Last night, while out trick-or-treating, I got called from ER. He was coming in for breathing problems, and they wanted me to do my usual visit in case he flakes out.

So on my way into the office this morning I swung by the hospital.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Phil. How ya doin'?"

Phil: "Dr. Grumpy! Thank God you're here!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Phil: "I've been having TERRIBLE problems with your staff."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What happened?"

Phil: "Mary and Annie came to visit me last night!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh-huh..." (this is already a bad sign. Neither of them lives anywhere near the hospital).

Phil: "Mary held me down! And then Annie beat me up! And then they poisoned my coffee! You need to do something about this!"


I can't wait till Mary and Annie come in today and I can ask what they did for Halloween. I'd naively assumed they were out with their kids, too.

Halloween stories...

Hopkinsville, Kentucky is a small town in the western part of the state. There's a farm on the outskirts of town. And on August 21, 1955 it's owners were the Suttons. Their friends the Calloways were visiting from Pennsylvania.

The house didn't have running water. Around 7:00 p.m. Billy Taylor went out to the pump for a drink, and noticed a strange light in the sky. He told the others about it, and it was assumed to have been a shooting star... for a while.

An hour later weird things began happening. Odd noises began to surround the house, and the family dog began barking wildly. It then dug itself under the home, where it stayed until the next day.

Thinking there was a trespasser, Billy Taylor and Lucky Sutton got a pair of rifles and went outside. Across the yard they saw a small creature, about 3 feet high, with glowing eyes, large ears, and taloned arms. It was wearing a silver outfit. It didn't move it's legs as it suddenly began gliding toward them.

When it kept coming, they both raised their guns and fired. There was a sound like rocks being thrown against metal, and the creature flipped over backwards, then vanished.

Billy and Lucky started to walk in its direction. But as they stepped off the porch, another creature standing on the roof reached down and grabbed their hair. Both dropped back and fired again, with the same results- the rattling sound, and the thing vanishing.

The evening quickly became a nightmare. How many of the strange creatures there were is unknown, but they were everywhere around the house. They scratched at the roof. They'd peer in windows, and the frightened family would shoot at them. The glass broke, followed by the same rattling noise and the creatures briefly disappearing. But they always came back.

The nightmarish visitation continued. After 3 hours the families had a chance to get to their cars, and drove into town.

At the local police station they were found to be terrified, sober, and "the type of people who normally didn't run to the police". The officers specifically noted that the families did not appear to have been drinking.

Police investigated the scene, finding the house damaged by gunfire. But the strange creatures were gone. Although they weren't seen at other houses that night, strange lights were, and odd sounds reported.

Over the years the family members have been interviewed several times. Their stories are consistent, suggesting that they all witnessed the same traumatic event. They were generally felt to be honest people who'd experienced something mysterious and frightening.

Those who are still alive rarely talk about it to reporters, but in 2002 Lucky Sutton's daughter said "It was a serious thing to him. It happened to him. He said it happened to him. He said it wasn't funny. It was an experience he said he would never forget. It was fresh in his mind until the day he died. It was fresh in his mind like it happened yesterday. He never cracked a smile when he told the story because it happened to him and there was nothing funny about it. He got pale and you could see it in his eyes. He was scared to death."

Many explanations for the events of that night have been made, including escaped circus monkeys, Great Horned Owls, and inevitably, a hoax. The U.S. Air Force investigated, and found no answers. To this day the case is labeled as unsolved.

But not forgotten...

After the 1977 success of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Steven Spielberg was asked to make a sequel called Night Skies. This time, far from the benign visitors of Close Encounters, the aliens came to terrorize us. The movie was based on the Hopkinsville Encounter, which Spielberg had heard about while researching Close Encounters. Models and storyboards were done. The lead alien had a long glowing finger that killed animals it touched. Another alien was more friendly, and befriended a human child.

For various reasons Night Skies was never made. But it wasn't forgotten, and eventually the idea became 3 other Spielberg films.

The idea of malignant aliens taking over a home and terrorizing it's occupants gradually changed, and in 1982 was released as the horror film Poltergeist.

The same idea was reused in 1984, but this time the idea of the single friendly alien was in the plot. The movie was Gremlins.

And the third movie?

The evil animal-killing alien leader (with the glowing finger) from Night Skies was combined with his friendly colleague, and the 1982 film was called E.T.

Have a happy Halloween, everybody.

And never, ever, ever feed them after midnight.

Idiots

Robbing a bank takes a lot of things. This apparently includes pants with button-able pockets.

Because you REALLY don't want to accidentally have your wallet fall out while making your getaway.

It's embarrassing.

Thank you to my reader Lee for submitting this.

Day at the Grumpy house

Mrs. Grumpy: "Ibee, can you get mmmph (inaudible)?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't hear you!"

Frank: "Aye, aye, captain!"

Nip & Tuck, D.V.M.

I'd like to thank my reader Webhill for sending this in. She says it's on her way to work.

What we have here is a cleaners/tailor shop that offers "Express Alterations"

And they're advertising next to another business, a veterinarian that specializes in cat surgery.

(click to enlarge)

Anatomy 101

Mrs. Dizzy: "My right ear is all clogged. I can barely hear. I think the fallopian tube there is plugged up."

The verdict

Dr. Grumpy, for the record, is not a big fan of McDonald's. Nothing personal, I'm just not a fast food person. Like all parents, I end up stopping there on road trips to feed the kids, but I've personally never liked fast food.

But on this one, I'm going to have to side with the Golden Arches. They lost a lawsuit to a manager, who claimed he gained weight from working there.

Excuse me?

Yep. You heard that. A court in Sao Paulo, Brazil, awarded a guy $17,500 on the grounds that his job at McD's made him fat (he gained 65 lbs. over 12 years). He blamed this on the company offering free lunches to employees, as well as feeling "pressured" to frequently taste the food himself to make sure it was good.

Nowhere in the article does it say specifically what the guy was tasting, but I doubt if it was a bag of McLettuce. It also doesn't explain why he couldn't find the time to exercise in 12 years, but I guess that was McD's fault, too. Nor does it mention whether he ever considered changing to a less appetizing job, such as managing a manure farm.

I think the only thing that I find reassuring here is that the case happened in Brazil. We Americans are so used to thinking of the U.S. as the land of the frivolous lawsuit, that it's nice to know the rest of the world is the same. People are people, and the human capacity to blame someone else is infinite.

Here's the original article.

Hairs leap off like lemmings

You needed an urgent appointment because you had a seizure this morning. We got you in 90 minutes after you called.

You demanded I do something, so I suggested increasing your medication. You said you couldn't handle the side effects as it is.

So I recommended we change you to another medication. You told me that wasn't acceptable either.

Then you asked me why I wasn't doing anything to help you, when you clearly needed my help.

So I suggested we refer you to an epilepsy specialist at Humungous Neurology, Inc. And you accused me of trying to dump you, without even doing anything to help you.

What the hell do you people want from me? Magic?

Another day at the office

Annie was standing in the hallway. I wasn't sure if she was laughing, or crying, or both.

I asked her what was up.

One of my patients had called. He wanted to report that ONLY his left-sided pubic hairs had fallen off as a side effect of his headache pills. The right side was fine.

He'd even emailed us a picture (with his winkie tastefully hidden by a washcloth). In the interests of decency, I'm not putting it up here.

It looked like just a bad shaving job, complete with stubble and razor burn on the left side.

Why? Why? Why?

Starting out on the right foot

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll start you on Aspirin. Dr. Internist is going to work on bringing down your blood pressure and controlling your diabetes. I've set up for physical therapy to get you started on an exercise program. Is that all clear?"

Mr. Tia: "Yeah. I know what I need to do. Take the medications, and focus on exercise and weight loss."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's going to be key. Other questions?"

Mr. Tia: "Yeah, is there a lunch place near here called Phil's?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, not sure. Why?"

Mr. "Oh, my buddy told me it's around here, and to try the hot Italian beef and cheese sandwich if I'm ever in the area."

Mary's Desk

Last week

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Freek: "Yeah, this is Ima Freek, I need to make a follow-up appointment with you. I saw Dr. Grumpy 8 years ago, and need to come back."

Mary: "Okay, hang on... You're not in our system. Are you sure you were here?"

Mrs. Freek: "Of course. I remember your lobby, with all the golf posters, and the golf clubs on the walls."

Mary: "Oh, that's not us. That's Dr. Darth down the street. Let me give you his number."

Mrs. Freek: "No, that's okay, I'm fine seeing a different doc. Can I come in next week?"

Mary: "Sure. Tuesday at 3:00. See you then."



This week

Mrs. Freek: "Hi, I'm here for my appointment. What happened to your lobby?"

Mary: "Nothing. It's been this way for years."

Mrs. Freek: "What did you guys do with all the golf stuff?"

Mary: "We never had that. I told you, that's Dr. Darth down the street."

Mrs. Freek: "Wait a minute... You mean the golf-club doctor isn't here?"

Mary: "No. I told you that on the phone. You said you wanted to come in, anyway."

Mrs. Freek: "I can't believe you misrepresent yourself as part of another office!"

Mary: "Ma'am, I explained that..."

Mrs. Freek: "I'm leaving! This is criminal!"

(storms out, comes back a minute later)

Mrs. Freek: "Hey, I left my cell phone at home. Can you call Dr. Darth to see if he has an opening this afternoon?"