Anatomy 101

Mrs. Dizzy: "My right ear is all clogged. I can barely hear. I think the fallopian tube there is plugged up."

The verdict

Dr. Grumpy, for the record, is not a big fan of McDonald's. Nothing personal, I'm just not a fast food person. Like all parents, I end up stopping there on road trips to feed the kids, but I've personally never liked fast food.

But on this one, I'm going to have to side with the Golden Arches. They lost a lawsuit to a manager, who claimed he gained weight from working there.

Excuse me?

Yep. You heard that. A court in Sao Paulo, Brazil, awarded a guy $17,500 on the grounds that his job at McD's made him fat (he gained 65 lbs. over 12 years). He blamed this on the company offering free lunches to employees, as well as feeling "pressured" to frequently taste the food himself to make sure it was good.

Nowhere in the article does it say specifically what the guy was tasting, but I doubt if it was a bag of McLettuce. It also doesn't explain why he couldn't find the time to exercise in 12 years, but I guess that was McD's fault, too. Nor does it mention whether he ever considered changing to a less appetizing job, such as managing a manure farm.

I think the only thing that I find reassuring here is that the case happened in Brazil. We Americans are so used to thinking of the U.S. as the land of the frivolous lawsuit, that it's nice to know the rest of the world is the same. People are people, and the human capacity to blame someone else is infinite.

Here's the original article.

Hairs leap off like lemmings

You needed an urgent appointment because you had a seizure this morning. We got you in 90 minutes after you called.

You demanded I do something, so I suggested increasing your medication. You said you couldn't handle the side effects as it is.

So I recommended we change you to another medication. You told me that wasn't acceptable either.

Then you asked me why I wasn't doing anything to help you, when you clearly needed my help.

So I suggested we refer you to an epilepsy specialist at Humungous Neurology, Inc. And you accused me of trying to dump you, without even doing anything to help you.

What the hell do you people want from me? Magic?

Another day at the office

Annie was standing in the hallway. I wasn't sure if she was laughing, or crying, or both.

I asked her what was up.

One of my patients had called. He wanted to report that ONLY his left-sided pubic hairs had fallen off as a side effect of his headache pills. The right side was fine.

He'd even emailed us a picture (with his winkie tastefully hidden by a washcloth). In the interests of decency, I'm not putting it up here.

It looked like just a bad shaving job, complete with stubble and razor burn on the left side.

Why? Why? Why?

Starting out on the right foot

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll start you on Aspirin. Dr. Internist is going to work on bringing down your blood pressure and controlling your diabetes. I've set up for physical therapy to get you started on an exercise program. Is that all clear?"

Mr. Tia: "Yeah. I know what I need to do. Take the medications, and focus on exercise and weight loss."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's going to be key. Other questions?"

Mr. Tia: "Yeah, is there a lunch place near here called Phil's?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, not sure. Why?"

Mr. "Oh, my buddy told me it's around here, and to try the hot Italian beef and cheese sandwich if I'm ever in the area."

Mary's Desk

Last week

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Freek: "Yeah, this is Ima Freek, I need to make a follow-up appointment with you. I saw Dr. Grumpy 8 years ago, and need to come back."

Mary: "Okay, hang on... You're not in our system. Are you sure you were here?"

Mrs. Freek: "Of course. I remember your lobby, with all the golf posters, and the golf clubs on the walls."

Mary: "Oh, that's not us. That's Dr. Darth down the street. Let me give you his number."

Mrs. Freek: "No, that's okay, I'm fine seeing a different doc. Can I come in next week?"

Mary: "Sure. Tuesday at 3:00. See you then."



This week

Mrs. Freek: "Hi, I'm here for my appointment. What happened to your lobby?"

Mary: "Nothing. It's been this way for years."

Mrs. Freek: "What did you guys do with all the golf stuff?"

Mary: "We never had that. I told you, that's Dr. Darth down the street."

Mrs. Freek: "Wait a minute... You mean the golf-club doctor isn't here?"

Mary: "No. I told you that on the phone. You said you wanted to come in, anyway."

Mrs. Freek: "I can't believe you misrepresent yourself as part of another office!"

Mary: "Ma'am, I explained that..."

Mrs. Freek: "I'm leaving! This is criminal!"

(storms out, comes back a minute later)

Mrs. Freek: "Hey, I left my cell phone at home. Can you call Dr. Darth to see if he has an opening this afternoon?"

It's, um, for my sinuses.

Dude, I'm sorry if you're having trouble with your dealer, and he sold you some bad shit that he lied about being marijuana.

It's just wrong to rip you off like that.

But, in all honesty, calling the police to report him was NOT a good idea.

What the hell?

(cell phone rings, it's the kids' school)

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Yeah, I'm calling about your son, Frank."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Miss Hourlywage: "I'm writing him up for saying a bad word."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? What did he say?"

Miss Hourlywage: "I don't know."

Dr. Grumpy: "You're writing him up for saying something, and you don't know what he said?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Yeah."

Dr. Grumpy: "Can I talk to someone who heard what he said?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Nobody heard what he said. He was in the room by himself when it happened."

Dr. Grumpy: "So how do you know he said something bad?"

Miss Hourlywage: "The other girl who works here told me."

Dr. Grumpy: "Can I talk to her?"

Miss Hourlywage: "She's off today, but she told me."

Dr. Grumpy: "When did this happen?"

Miss Hourlywage: "This morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "So if she's off today, how does she know what he said this morning, if he was in the room alone anyway?"

Miss Hourlywage: "Look, I'm just doing my job."

Obituary

I would like to mark the passing of my political idol, Paul the Octopus, who died this morning in Germany.

For those of you who didn't read this post on him a few months back, I respected Paul's ability to correctly predict solutions in international disputes, and strongly backed him for the job of President/Prime Minister/Chief Goombah of Earth.

Paul was 2 1/2, which is apparently getting up there for an octopus.

Drug rep moments

Rikki Drugrep: "Doctors, Nopain is the only non-sedating, non-effective, treatment for these patients."

(Dr. Pissy starts snickering)

Rikki Drugrep: "I'm sorry, I meant non-sedating and non-addictive, treatment."

October 25, 1918

Vanderbilt Reef is a small, rocky island in the Alaskan inside passage, south of Skagway. It's just slightly above the water. Every summer it's passed by thousands of tourists on cruise ships, who take scant notice of it breaking the surface as they go by...


The inside passage has been, and remains, a critical waterway for both the U.S. and Canada. In summer it's dominated by cruise ships, but it also supports many communities. Due to geography and climate, roads and trains have difficulty getting to several areas. So ships are still a major source of supplies, travel, and trade.

At the start of the 20th century, this vital waterway was served by ships designed to transport both passengers and freight, whichever was needed. One was the Princess Sophia.

S.S. Princess Sophia

She was a modern ship by the day's standards, with wireless communications and electric lighting throughout. Though not as luxurious as the big Atlantic liners, she was considered quite comfortable.

In late October, 1918 the Princess Sophia was making a typical inside passage run, stopping at several ports in Alaska and Canada. She carried 343 passengers and crew, and was commanded by Captain Leonard Locke.

On October 25, at around 2:00 a.m. she drifted off course in a snowstorm and ran aground, quite hard, on Vanderbilt Reef. The force of the impact drove most of the ship out of the water and up on the rock. And there she sat, stuck. Although her bottom was badly damaged, she was perched high and dry out of the water. The engines and electricity were still running.




Princess Sophia grounded on the reef. The object in the foreground is a navigation marker.


A distress call was sent out immediately, and within a few hours a number of rescue vessels surrounded the beached ship. The storm had died down.

Captain Locke faced a difficult decision. The rocky area was exposed at low tide, making rescues dangerous for the coming boats. To add to the problem, in 1904 the steamship Clallam, under similar circumstances, had started to evacuate passengers into lifeboats. The boats capsized, killing 54 people. Rescue boats were later able to get everyone else off safely.

Since the Princess Sophia, stuck up on land, was in no immediate danger, the decision was made to wait on the evacuation until the afternoon's high tide.

By the time afternoon came, the weather was rapidly worsening. Strong winds whipped up violent seas, making approaches by the rescue craft impossible. Lifeboats couldn't be safely launched. Between Captain Locke and the rescue boat captains, they decided to postpone the evacuation until the next day. Although damaged, the Princess Sophia was high out of water, the power was operating, and it's people were secure. The rescuers returned to port to ride out the storm, and lodging arrangements were made on shore for when the passengers were taken off in the morning.

The afternoon storm became a gale. Then violent waves submerged the reef- and the Princess Sophia began partially floating again. Strong winds and waves blew her back off the reef and back into the water.

Except now she was a ship with her bottom torn out from the day's damage.

At 16:50 her wireless operator began frantically calling for help. The rescue vessels began to return, but a blizzard had started, limiting visibility to a few yards. Heavy seas broke over their decks in cascades. They tried to find Vanderbilt Reef, but in this condition were in real danger of striking the rocks (and each other). Realizing that nothing could be done except lose their own ships, they reluctantly returned to port.

The next morning the weather had improved, and the boats set out at first light for Vanderbilt Reef hoping to find survivors.

But all that was left of the Princess Sophia was her mast, sticking up from the wreck below.



Picture taken as boats arrived in the morning. The triangular navigation buoy is the same one seen in the previous picture. The Princess Sophia's mast is on the right.


Floating bodies were everywhere, covered in thick layers of oil. They continued to wash ashore for months, and many were removed from the ship by divers. Quite a few were children. Some were buried in Juneau, others in Vancouver. Their graves are marked in local cemeteries today.

343 people were lost. The only survivor was a dog, which belonged to a couple on board. It had swum to a nearby island and was rescued a day later.

The Princess Sophia made local headlines, but was forgotten on a larger scale. World War I came to an end shortly afterwards, and a worldwide flu pandemic that would kill 50 million people was raging. These 2 events quickly pushed the Princess Sophia from the newspapers.

The wreck today is completely submerged off Vanderbilt reef, passed annually by cruising tourists unaware of the tragedy beneath them.

Reruns

Since I'm insanely swamped today, I thought I'd post this story from February, 2009, when my only followers were my dogs.


Highlight of call this weekend was a 20-something guy I saw for a head injury.

He had a fight with his girlfriend outside a restaurant and said he was going to teach her a lesson.

So he began repeatedly banging HIS head against the concrete sidewalk until he was covered with blood. At that point the police and paramedics pulled up, and so he began banging his head repeatedly on the police car's windshield until he shattered it

He then went back to beating his head on the sidewalk, which continued until the cops tasered him and the paramedics gave him a dose of Valium.

The admitting diagnosis was "Self Assault"

Exactly what lesson his girlfriend learned from this is unclear, but I suspect it had something to do with getting another boyfriend.

On call follies

Dr. Grumpy: (looking at MRI film) "Looks like they did the surgery on the right side of your brain."

Mr. Craniotomy: "No, they did it in Missouri."

Friday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you a smoker, sir?"

Mr. Camel: "No, not at all. I'm trying to quit."