Doctor Grumpy in the House

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Attention crooks!

Look, if you're trying to smuggle cocaine on an airplane, you take your chances. I think all of us have had our luggage lost at some point. So I suppose a bag with illegal drugs is as likely to go missing as one with my dirty laundry.

BUT, in the event that happens, you should probably take it as a loss. It is NOT going to help you to file a "lost luggage claim" on your case of contraband.

Like these guys.

I'd like to thank my reader Kayden for submitting this.

No means no

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. McPayne: "Yeah, are you covering for Dr. Cortex this weekend?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Mr. McPayne: "Okay, I need more Vicodin for my pain."

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of pain are you having, sir?"

Mr. McPayne: "You know, stuff that hurts. I need Vicodin for it. I get it from Dr. Cortex."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is this a new problem?"

Mr. McPayne: "Nope. If I can get some Vicodin I'll be fine."

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't call in narcotics for other doctor's patients on the weekend."

Mr. McPayne: "Why not? It sounds like your phone is working?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't know your case at all. You can call on Monday when Dr. Cortex will be back, or go to an ER if you feel this is urgent."

Mr. McPayne: "I ain't going to ER. I just want some Vicodin. Can I come to your office today so you can see me, and I can prove I have pain?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, sir. My office is closed on Sundays."

Mr. McPayne: "Then can we meet at a McDonald's or something?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Goodbye." (click)

Sunday morning, 2:25 a.m.

"Hi! I'm a patient of yours and I'm 8 months pregnant and my water broke and I've started having regular contractions and I think I need to go to the hospital and can the doctor please call me back ASAP because OH SHIT! I THINK I CALLED THE WRONG DOCTOR PLEASE IGNORE THIS MESSAGE!"

(click)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I still can't stand it.

This is a repeat of a post I ran last September. And since the same issue STILL drives me nuts, I'm putting it up again.

Dear Mr. President,

I don't want this to be a political blog. There are plenty of other sites for that. But we now face a national crisis of such serious proportions that it dwarfs other issues, such as global warming, health care, and middle-east peace. It now threatens the very fabric of our society, and directly affects every citizen. And I can remain silent no longer.

It's still September, and every store near me ALREADY HAS THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP!

I have nothing against the holidays, Mr. President. Peace on Earth and all that stuff. But moving them up as if they were being held in another time-zone or alternate universe is getting out-of-hand. As far as I know, Christmas hasn't budged in my lifetime. And treating every day like it was Christmas (like the stores seem to want me to do) is not helping.

The well-respected Nick documentary program, The Fairly Oddparents, has carefully researched what would happen if Christmas were held every day (Episode 107, air date 12-12-01 I have kids, OKAY!). Their conclusion? It would be catastrophic.

There also seems to be a degree of unintentional discrimination. For example, Hanukkah starts more than 3 weeks before Christmas this year, but I didn't see Hanukkah decorations going up 3 weeks before the Christmas ones. In fact, I haven't seen any at all yet. Or Kwanzaa stuff. Or Festivus. Or New Year's.

This seasonal perversion extends to other holidays, too. I mean, by January 2nd most stores are decked out with Easter junk, and on July 5th the Halloween crap is up.

So, Mr. President, I propose the following, federally mandated solutions (please note: I'm only including those holidays that retailers love. Let's face it, not many of us are out there buying gifts for Groundhog day or cards for Columbus day. I'm also leaving out local holidays like Delaware Statehood Day, the Montana Huckleberry Harvest Celebration, and the Byron, Illinois, Turkey Testicle Festival).

Valentine's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of January.

St. Patrick's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until after March 1st.

Passover/Easter decorations will NOT be put up until after St. Patrick's day.

Independance day decorations (July 4th) will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of June.

Halloween stuff will NOT be put up before October 1st

Thanksgiving Stuff will NOT be put up before November 1st.

Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus stuff will NOT be put up until the day after Thanksgiving.

(Please note: there should be some flexibility here, as Hanukkah and Easter/Passover may vary, but decorations should NOT be hung more then 3 weeks prior to holiday onset).

An alternative plan would be to have a single annual holiday combining all of the above, called St. Christmukahpasseastkwanpatfourthnewfestgivingween. Decorations for the combined holidays may be hung for 30 days prior to this event, and MUST be removed the day after.

Punishment for business owners who violate these laws would be on a 3-step basis:

1st offense: Business license revoked for one month.

2nd offense: Tarred, feathered, and forced to eat fruitcake.

3rd offense: Drawn and quartered, then served with fava beans and a nice chianti.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Tough case

I'm reading a hospital discharge summary, and discovered this quote from a neurosurgery resident:

"The patient was given Valium 10mg and Haldol 10mg. He then become lethargic, with decreasing oxygen saturations. The cause of his sudden lethargy was unclear. A head CT was unremarkable, and a STAT neurology consult was called."

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Doctors for Gooder English

Doing an online survey this afternoon, and encountered this question.

Gosh, I wonder what happened?

Yesterday afternoon I went to the hospital's EEG reading room to look at the day's studies.

Unfortunately, only one had gotten done all day, and there was a note on the monitor that said "Doctors, sorry we couldn't do all the studies today. We had to send the EEG machine to Bio-Med to have it thoroughly cleaned".

Lucky for me, it was one of my studies that did get done. It was on a confused ICU patient, so I started reading it.

The study ended abruptly at 8 minutes (normally they go for 20), with the following commentary in the tech notes:

0745: Pt yawning.
0748: Pt moving around, agitated.
0750: Pt pulled poop tube out of butt and is playing with it. Nurse running to bedside.
0751: Ending study.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mary's Desk, September 22, 2010

(Lady comes in, signs in, then continues to stand at counter)

Mary: "Hi, Mrs. Patty. We'll get you back in a sec. Do you need something?"

Mrs. Patty: "Um, yeah, do you guys have a hamburger I can have?"

Mary: "Excuse me?"

Mrs. Patty: "Do you have a hamburger? I just dropped my mom off at the airport, and I'm really hungry."

There's a lot of that going around

For the original post on this topic, click here.

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you have an X-ray for the neck pain?"

Mrs. Daypro: "Yes. A friend said the carpal tunnel there is causing my neck problems."

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Now THAT'S ambitious!

I'd like to thank my reader Miriam for submitting this. She noticed it in a hospital patient's (admitted for a knee problem) paperwork .

(click to enlarge)

And now for something completely different

Okay, people. Yours truly, Dr. Grumpy, has been asked to host (drum roll please) ONLINE GRAND ROUNDS next Tuesday. As many of you know, this is a weekly collection of blog posts of a certain theme.

Next week starts the 7th year of this, and they wanted someone talented, popular, and successful to host it. Unfortunately, that person wasn't available, and so they asked me instead. I've been assured that their decision to pick me was based on stringent criteria, such as having a pulse and a website. I tried to negotiate for a case of Diet Coke, without success.

So the topic for next week's Grand Rounds will be "Things that make me grumpy". I whine enough, so I'm opening up the floor to you guys. Please submit links to blog posts following this theme, but try to keep them (roughly) in some limits:

1. They should have at least SOME medical background to them. I don't want to hear about the guy who cut you off in traffic (unless it was a neurologist wired on Diet Coke), the crappy service you got at Denny's, or the high cost of flour.

2. Try to have some element of humor in it.

3. This is NOT a political blog, so I'm NOT going to put up rants from either side about health care, elections, or whatever.

How to submit: Please send your entries to pagingdrgrumpy [at] gmail [dot] com. Put "Grand Rounds" in the subject line, and include the URL of the post in the message, with a sentence or two about it. Sending huge amounts of money to my Paypal account is also recommended, but not necessary (nudge nudge wink wink).

The deadline will be Saturday, September 25, at 6:00 p.m. U.S. Eastern time. So submit early. Or else.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Urgent matters

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a seat. I'm Dr. Grumpy."

Mrs. Arowana: "Thank you. Pleased to meet you."

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Mrs. Arowana: "Well, for the last 7 years I've had... Oh! I need to leave. I'm sorry!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Is something wrong?"

Mrs. Arowana: "I forgot to turn on the light in my fish tank after I cleaned it this morning!"

Dr. Grumpy: "But..."

Mrs. Arowana: "No, I have to go deal with this. The fish are my babies, and I don't want them to get angry at me."

(patient walks out)

Dear Ambien-CR,

Thank you for recently sending patient information packets to my office (I've already safely recycled them, don't worry).

I know your logo is a rooster. I still don't understand this, since the drug is supposed to make you fall asleep, NOT wake you up. But whatever.

Anyway, considering another term for rooster is "cock", and we all know what that's slang for, perhaps you should think of a better package design than this. Or maybe license the logo to Viagra, instead.

Because somehow I can just see this ending up in a novelty store next to a mistletoe belt buckle.