Friday Afternoon Follies

And people wonder why my hairs leap off like lemmings...


Mr. Helpful: "Hospital medical records, can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy. I need to get an MRI report on Harry Krotch."

Mr. Helpful: "Certainly. One moment please. Which report did you need, again?"

Dr. Grumpy: "His brain MRI."

Mr. Helpful: "Which one?"

Dr. Grumpy: "How many has he had?"

Mr. Helpful: "Just one."

Dr. Grumpy: (sigh) "Yes, I need that one."

Mr. Helpful: "The one from 2003?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Mr. Helpful: "The report is in storage."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is that off site?"

Mr. Helpful: "No, it's downstairs. I can get it in a few minutes."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll take it."

Mr. Helpful: "It will be a while. I'm going to lunch now."

Alrighty, then

From another doctor's note:

"His father, mother, and all of his other parents died of cancer."

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy. I dragged the kids to the dentist today, to learn Craig has a cavity. So I went up to the gum-chewing-queen to make an appointment to deal with that.

Gum Queen: "Waddya need?"

Nurse Grumpy: "I need to make an appointment for Craig."

Gum Queen: "Okee dokee li'l smokee, when'ja wanna come back?"

Nurse Grumpy: "Next week works. What do you have then?"

Gum Queen: "We got all day. You pick."

Nurse Grumpy: "Um... How about 8:00 on Wednesday morning?"

Gum Queen: "We don't open till 9:00."

Nurse Grumpy: "Okay, how about 9:00 on Wednesday?"

Gum Queen: "We're closed next Wednesday. Doctor is out."

Nurse Grumpy: "What about Tuesday at 9:00?"

Gum Queen: "On Tuesdays we don't open until noon."

Nurse Grumpy: "Look. What do you have? Tell me when, and we can be here."

Gum Queen: "Whenever you want to come in."

Nurse Grumpy: "I've given you 3 times, and you said I couldn't. So pick a time next week, and I'll bring him in."

Gum Queen: "I don't know when you should. I'm off next week, so it's not like I'm gonna know what's going on anyway."

Nurse Grumpy: "Will someone be here next week?"

Gum Queen: "Schedule says so."

(long pause)

Nurse Grumpy: "I think I'll just call next week."

Gum Queen: "I ain't gonna be here."

Nurse Grumpy: "Yes. Have a nice day."

That brain tumor can wait 4-8 weeks, can't it?

I'd like to thank my reader Lauren, who says a neurosurgeon in her town recently faxed this letter to his referring physicians. I can only hope they have someone else to refer to.

(click to enlarge)

Maybe you SHOULD try this at home

I'd like to thank my reader bb for submitting this.

Trucker pulls own tooth, draws driving charge

July 5, 2010 | 12:02 PM ET
CBC News

An Ontario truck driver doing his own dental work while at the wheel has been charged by provincial police.

Officers pulled over a tractor-trailer on Highway 402 near Sarnia, Ont., on June 30 after another driver reported a truck travelling erratically.

When they stopped the driver, they found he was trying to extract his own tooth and steer the truck at the same time.

Police said the driver had tied a string around the tooth and then attached the string to the roof of the cab, waiting for what police said was "one good bump" to pull the tooth out.

To read the rest of the article, click here.

Wednesday afternoon

Mary interrupted me when I was with a patient. A doctor who's never sent me a patient needs to talk to me urgently.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Ibee Grumpy."

Dr. Doesntrefertome: "Hi! I need you to do a spinal tap on one of my patients. Urgently, like, this afternoon."

Dr Grumpy: "What's going on?"

Dr. Doesntrefertome: "I think she has meningitis."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's serious. You need to send her to ER."

Dr. Doesntrefertome:: "I don't want to send her to ER. Can't you do it in your office?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't do them in my office. I haven't had a spinal tray here for years. She needs to go to ER."

Dr. Doesntrefertome: "That's ridiculous! What kind of neurologist doesn't do taps?."

Dr. Grumpy: "I do them, I just don't do them in the office. I don't have the space or equipment."

Dr. Doesntrefertome: "This lady is SICK, dammit! You need to get a tray and do one. TODAY!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Then she needs to go to ER. If she really has meningitis, this is an emergency. She needs urgent evaluation and treatment. Send her to local ER. I can consult on her there. But this sort of thing shouldn't be worked up in the office."

Dr. Doesntrefertome: "This lazy attitude is why I don't refer to you." (hangs up phone)

Things that make me grumpy

Yes, it's election season in America, again.

My international readers likely think this only happens every 4 years, when we elect some poor sucker to be President. But we have mid-term elections every 2 years. And there's pretty much some local election 1-2 times a year, for mayor, or dog-catcher, or dirt lot inspector. Or we're voting on some proposition to raise/lower taxes or build/not build a school/landfill/baseball stadium. Voting is a way of life here.

I have nothing against democracy. But it has a dark side (not including the politicians).

I HATE all those damn signs that start to show up on street corners and vacant lots this time of year. By the boatload. They seem to spring up overnight. And never come down.

It's the last part that really drives me nuts. Months after an election is over, the signs will still be up. The winner is too busy to take them down. The loser is too depressed to do the same. And so they sit there as an eyesore, until it's time for the next election. Then they get pulled down by the next crop of office-seeking idiots.

My political career is limited. When I was 12 I ran for treasurer of my 7th grade class, and lost. I don't think I ran a very good campaign. For that matter, I really don't think I knew what a treasurer did. I honestly have no idea why I did it. I suspect it had something to do with recently having noticed girls (in retrospect, I don't think the class treasurer got the chicks).

But my school had a damn good rule about elections: The winners wouldn't be announced until every damn sign was gone. Granted, I know that's impractical on a nationwide scale, but there's got to be some answer to deal with these eyesores. Why can't we restrict it to signs can't be up more than 30 days before and 30 days after an election? Violators will be fined/disqualified/sterilized.

On a side note, I strongly believe in the political theory proposed in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" that anyone who actually wants to be President/Prime Minister/Chief Goombah so badly to run for the office is automatically too insane to hold the job. We need to find a way to identify the person who is least interested in the job, and then put them in charge. Just don't let them figure out what they're really doing.

Does it have a seat warmer?

Okay, for those of you who loved the walker locked to a street sign from last week, my reader Greg has submitted this wheelchair locked to a bike rack.

In snow.

Thank you, Greg!





15% off a scrubs jacket purchase with coupon code "jackets_t3c"

Good thing it's not lunchtime, yet

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Mr. Taco: "Mexican food gives me gas."

Sentence structure- It means something

This ad for a charity really could have been worded better.





From Fail Blog.

Monday Afternoon Reading

With my office closed today for the 3-day weekend, we took the kids back to the waterpark. While relaxing in the shade I caught up on my reading and learned that:

1. Patients with Alzheimer's disease have a higher rate of memory loss than people without Alzheimer's disease (Neurology Reviews, May, 2010).

2. Multiple Sclerosis patients with balance problems have a higher rate of falls than MS patients without balance problems (Clinical Neurology News, May, 2010).

3. I suspect one or both of the above studies could have been written by a lady who I saw at the park, who was chewing out a lifeguard because she (gasp!) got wet while floating on the lazy river.

More Acronyms From Hell (AFH)

I'd like to thank Whitney for submitting this. She says it was proudly displayed at her Pharmacy School.

(click to enlarge)

4th of July

Today we went to the waterpark. Among the posted rules, I was horrified to see "Local Waterpark is not responsible for sunburn."

WTF is the world coming to? People are actually suing waterparks for sun exposure? Isn't the sun something you encounter, like air and water? Isn't there already a boatload of info out there about such things as sunscreen or protective clothing? Are people really this stupid? (sigh, I know)

It's a good thing they had that notice up, because when Craig and I went on the lazy river there was a guy going around it endlessly, snoring away, and being gradually transformed into a leather handbag.

One water slide that Marie really likes turns you sideways as you go down it, and you swing back and forth between 2 high sides, gradually coming to a stop. While we were waiting in line for our 3rd time there was suddenly a loud scream, and as we watched a teenage girl came down the slide- followed a few seconds later by her bikini top. The girl was frantically trying to cover herself and hold onto the inner tube at the same time, to the great amusement of pretty much everyone. The girl didn't seem very happy about the round of applause she earned, or the multiple requests for an encore.

My kids spend all their time at waterparks doing one of 5 things:

1. Playing together.

2. Playing apart.

3. Fighting because they are playing together.

4. Fighting because they are playing apart.

5. Whining about other topics.

As a result, Mrs. Grumpy and I spend a fair amount of time trying not to referee these disputes. We hide from the kids. Usually the days end when they all find us at once.

Then they bitch and moan about having to go home, claiming they'd just started having fun.

Open to interpretation

I got dragged in to see a hospital consult this morning. The admitting physician's note featured this:

(click to enlarge)