Dear Middle-of-Nowhere Medical Center

Thank you for faxing me Mr. Crunch's hospital records from his overnight stay there last week.

You can stop now. I swear. We faxed the release 5 hours ago. So far we've received back 22 faxed copies of MY OWN RELEASE (it was a fax, I promise we have the original) from you and 18 copies of his 14 page hospital records. At this rate I'm going to have to send Mary to Costco for more paper.

I'm sure getting a release from a real gosh-durn big city doctor-o-medicine was the most exciting thing to happen at your hospital since a paint truck overturned there in 1999, but you should try to curb your enthusiasm. I have all that I need now, and you can stop.

But can you see Russia from the ship?

Dr. Grumpy: "Where are you guys going?"

Mrs. Geography: "We're taking a cruise out of New York. We fly to Niagara Falls, and board the ship. From there it goes up to Alaska, and we spend a few days there, and after a week we're back in New York. I'm looking forward to it, because I've never been to Alaska before."

How NOT to get in to see Dr. Grumpy

Yesterday afternoon.


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Hag: "Yeah, I have a 4:00 appointment today."

Mary: "Yes... It's 3:55 now. Where are you?"

Mrs. Hag: "I'm leaving my house now. I'll be there in about 30 minutes or so."

Mary: "Uh, we close at 5. Dr. Grumpy has to go to the hospital."

Mrs. Hag: "Bullshit. You can wait for me. I'd have been there sooner, but had a lot of laundry to put away, and lost track of time."

Mary: "No, we can't, but I can reschedule you for..."

Mrs. Hag: "LOOK, BITCH! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I AM ON MY FUCKING WAY AND YOU ARE GOING TO WAIT FOR ME!"

Mary: "Don't speak to me like that."

Mrs. Hag: "I'll talk to you however I want! I'm a paying customer."

Mary: "You..."


Dr. Grumpy reaches over Mary's shoulder, silences the speaker phone, and picks up the receiver.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mrs. Hag: "Yeah, I'm on my way to my appointment, I'll be there in about half an hour, and your phone bitch is telling me I can't come in today! I need help, and you're going to wait for me!"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm not. Since you weren't here on time, we are leaving."

Mrs. Hag: "Then you damn well better see me tomorrow!"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. You are not coming to see me. Today, tomorrow, or ever. I will not see anyone who treats my staff like this."

Mrs. Hag "WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ARE YOU TO TREAT A SUFFERING PERSON LIKE THIS? I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE MEDICAL BOARD AND POLICE AND CITY AND HOSPITALS AND MY INSURANCE AND..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a nice day." (Hangs up)

Patient quote of the day

"I take all of my medicines once a day, except for the ones that I take twice a day."

Thank you for coming today

Dude, it was so nice of you to drive your Mom to the appointment today. Her seizures are getting better, but she still can't drive. So it's good that she has a devoted 16 year old son like yourself to help. I'm sure you had better things to do with your brand-new driver's license (hell, I was 16 once, too), so I think you're a good kid for doing this.

I don't blame you for hanging out in the lobby during Mom's visit. That's the new 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue out there, and I know it's a hell of a lot more interesting than sitting back here listening to your Mom and I talk about her medications and side effects.

But, ya know, pretty much ALL the office staff, and likely some of the other lobby patients, noticed that you took the issue into the bathroom with you for a few minutes.

You can keep it. I'm serious. Dr. Pissy and I really don't want it back now. Consider it your reward for bringing Mom here today.

Things that make me grumpy

Doctors who dump patient test results on me.

I don't mind being the bearer of bad news. I don't like it, but hey, it's part of the job.

But it really chaps me when a patient shows up "because Dr. Doofus said you'd tell me what the MRI showed". Most of the time Dr. Doofus hasn't even had the common courtesy to send me a copy of the damn report.

And in almost every case the studies are NORMAL. That's all. Or have some minor, benign variant like a harmless cyst. And so, because of human nature, the patients assume the worst. After all, Dr. Doofus is stonewalling them, and sends them to a specialist, so it must be time to draw up a bucket list.

Or they have a minor, benign, variant, and Dr. Doofus tells them it's either something horrible (because he has no idea what it is) or that it's sole the cause of ALL their symptoms, and Dr. Grumpy will know how to fix it. When in reality it's as relevant to their headaches (or whatever) as a hangnail would be.

I don't understand a lot of stuff in my own field, let alone outside of it. I don't expect other doctors to be any different. But if you don't know what it is or means, just be honest and say "I don't know!"

And DON'T tell them that they have to see me to get the results, then refuse to give them. They spend sleepless nights worrying about them. And when they invariably find out the test was normal, they get really pissed off at you. I've seen patients change doctors over that. And I don't blame them.

Strange Compliments (I think)

Dr. Grumpy: "Who referred you to me?"

Mr. Spiz: "Well, I asked Dr. Dipchit about you, but he told me not to, because he thought you were incompetent and stupid. But I personally thought Dr. Dipchit was an idiot, and didn't know what he was doing, so I figured he wouldn't know a good neurologist if one bit him on the ass. So since he didn't recommend you, I decided that was a good reason to come here."

Annie's Desk, February 10, 2010

Mrs. Seizure: "They're giving me generic. I don't want it. What are you doing about this generic medication?"

Annie: "I called you earlier. Didn't you listen to my voicemail from this morning?"

Mrs. Seizure: "No. I don't have time for that. I've been too busy trying to call you."

Annie: "Instead of listening to my message about the issue, you just keep calling me?"

Mrs. Seizure: "Yes. What else was I supposed to be doing?"

Annie: "Your insurance is deciding. I didn't even know you got the generic until you called me this morning."

Mrs. Seizure: "Well I called you yesterday about it, but only got your voicemail, so I hung up."

Annie: "I can't help you if I don't know what you need."

Mrs. Seizure: "I refuse to leave messages."

Annie: "Apparently."

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Kids, when you come to my office with your friends, it is extremely important that you remember which of you had what complaint.

I know that when you come to me during recess (usually the one before your math test), you do not have a note from the teacher telling me what your symptoms are. Generally, if something were hurting you, I'd assume you'd remember what it was. But, silly me, this isn't always the case.

By way of example, 2 of you demonstrated today how it should NOT be done. Faker and her bff Fakess came by today, with Faker complaining of sand in her eye and Fakess complaining that her hand was hurting.

Skool Nerse: "Which hand is it?"

Fakess: "The one I write with."

Skool Nerse: "And that is...?"

Fakess: "Um, did my Mom put it on that card she filled out?"

Skool Nerse: "No."

Fakess: "Okay it's, um, uh, ah, this one?"

Skool Nerse: "That's the hand that hurts? Is that the one you write with?"

Fakess: "Let me think..."

Skool Nerse: "You do that." (turns to Faker) "What's wrong with you?"

Faker: "I have sand in my eye."

Skool Nerse: "Which eye?"

Faker: "This one."

Skool Nerse: (carefully examines eyeball) "Hmm... I don't see any sand, or redness..."

Fakess: "Oh, that's because I'm the one with sand in my eye".

Faker: "Yeah, I forgot. It was her. I hurt my hand, this one."


As you can see, this duo made a number of mistakes that might have been avoided with a little practice beforehand. Therefore, kids, when trying to lie your way out of math tests, please remember that consistency in doing so is the key.

This has been a public service announcement.

Seizurebowl

Look, dude, I'm sorry your team lost the Superbowl. I'm not a big sports fan, but I used to be, and so I understand you taking the loss personally.

I also understand having a few drinks to calm down. But being so upset that you missed 2 doses of your epilepsy pills wasn't a good idea (granted, you'd probably have gotten trashed and missed your meds even if the Colts had won, you'd just be happier about it).

No, the state MVD does NOT have an exception to allow you to keep driving in spite of stupid behavior. So you're done driving for a bit.

I AM serious! See? Here's the form, let's look at the exception boxes:

1. Seizures only occur during sleep (not you).

2. Patient has a warning that allows him to take protective action (not you either).

Nope, there isn't a box that says "Patient got shitfaced on cheap beer following his team's Superbowl loss, forgot to take his pills for 2 consecutive doses or go to work on Monday, and had a seizure while arguing with his girlfriend (who happens to be a New Orleans fan but was still nice enough to drive him to his appointment today)".

So let's take our pills and try not to watch sports for a while.

Thank you.

Heard in passing

Walking down the hall outside of ICU, I passed a teenage girl with a nose ring mumbling into a cell phone.

"Yeah, cuz, like, everyone is like, just not happy. I mean, not at all. They're like so not happy. I mean, to see all these unhappy people is, like, really totally sad."

2 tomatoes, pickles, hamburger buns, lettuce, and a dessert

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Oh, hi Dr. G! How ya doin'?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, uh, fine, um, I didn't recognize you when I got in line."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Yeah, I'm workin' at Local Grocery now. Ya got a Shopper's Card?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Here, thanks."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Lemme ring this up. Looks like you're havin' burgers. Paper or plastic?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I guess. Paper."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Ya know, my back is still killin' me, and it goes down my right leg."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, why don't you call Mary and..."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Some days it goes around into my groin, too. Got any coupons?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No..."

(Lady in line behind me grabs her basket and runs for her life).

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Sometimes it burns, ya know, like I have a rash going down my butt and the leg. That'll be $18.73. Credit or debit?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Credit."

Mr. Lumbarpain: "Can you sign here? And then when I look, there's no rash, it just feels that way."

Dr. Grumpy: "You should call Mary tomorrow and..."

Mr. Lumberpain: "Nice seein' ya, doc. Hi, lady. Ya got a Shopper's card?"

Office buffet, part 2

For those of you who survived the dreaded holiday food onslaught, comes the sequel:

The "dump your Superbowl party leftovers in the office break room" buffet.

Featuring: deviled eggs, soggy nachos, hot wings, pizza, a variety of chips, bean dip, spinach dip, artichoke dip, cheese dip, the remains of a vegetable platter, pie, cookies, sliced turkey, mini-wieners, rolls, Miracle Whip, crackers, brownies, 1/4 of a cheese log, swedish meatballs, rolls, a tupperware thing full of barbecued something, and a cookie that the staff calls "Hillbilly Crack".

I'm gonna hit the Protonix samples.

Monday morning, 12:45 a.m.

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Hmmm."

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmm... Frank, what do you need?"

Frank: "Dad, can I turn on your lamp? I want to show you something."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the middle of night. What do you..."

CLICK! AAAAAHHHHH! BRIGHT LIGHT!

Dr. Grumpy: "Holy crap, Frank! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?!!"

Frank: "I gave myself a haircut!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes. Why on Earth did you do that?"

Frank: "I couldn't sleep."