Mr. Notochord: "I have all these tumors! Right there, on my back!"
Dr. Grumpy: (examining patient): "Ummm, okay, where?"
Mr. Notochord: "It's a whole row of them! In a straight line, going down the middle of my back! They're really hard when you press on them."
Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, those aren't tumors. It's the vertebral bones of your back."
Mr. Notochord: "That's what all the other doctors say, too! Why doesn't anyone believe me that they're tumors?!!! This is so frustrating!"
Bahahahahahahahaha. Fixed delusions --> send to psych.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a pre-packaged turf to psych.
ReplyDeleteIf turns out he had mets in his spine though, who gets the last laugh?
He's already had a bone scan from another doc. Negative.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he should be worried about the "tumor" on his shoulders.....
ReplyDeleteDid he say why he thought they were tumors ?
ReplyDeleteBecause he's convinced himself they are.
ReplyDeletePhantom spine?
ReplyDeleteI love that you've called him Notochord! Takes me back to devo lectures and our dry, but thoroughly awesome embryologist director...
ReplyDeleteHypochondriacs are my favorite. I had a lady call me the other day to tell me that her foot fell asleep and after doing some exhaustive research on the internet, diagnosed herself with cataplexy and wanted to know what our doctors planned to do to treat her. Umm...nothing?
ReplyDelete"Ive also got this ulceration right in the middle of my abdomen. I think it's probably a sinus tract"
ReplyDeleteSo...he didn't mention the tumor he has on the side of his wrist too?
ReplyDeleteI guarantee you he'll be calling the cops next.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do with a patient like this? Do you bother spending anyone's time trying to teach anatomy, or do you just refer him to counseling and kick him out?
ReplyDeleteI mean, it would be awesome if the guy walked out with peace of mind and a wondrous new understanding of the human body, but there are only so many hours in the day.
I tried to reassure him, and showed him pictures of the back, etc.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't believe me.
"Mr Notocord" Lol. Sounds like an "Electric Company" character.
ReplyDeleteSome quack is probably going to do surgery on him just because he will pay for it. sigh. ugh.
ReplyDeleteWhen did he first notice the "tumors?" I guess I wonder if he lost a bunch of weight or something and became aware of the bones that of course were always there. I bet he IS frustrated, and I hope he can be helped.
ReplyDeleteI love your patient names.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this reminds me of my "already seen seven veterinarians and none of them can find a problem but I KNOW my dog is sick so I am here seeing you" lady...
I feel so smart when I read about your patients Dr. Grumpy. My business college education has been put to good use-common sense, building one genius at a time!
ReplyDeleteTake him to a strip club and let him see that everyone has tumors!
ReplyDeleteSHUT UP.
ReplyDeleteThere are none so blind as those who won't see.
ReplyDeleteOh that poor man! It is really hard to go through life like that. When I encounter people like that, I try to remind myself how lucky I am that I have a good brain that works the way it is supposed to, and have a bit of extra patience.
ReplyDeletetime to adjust the meds!
ReplyDeleteDid you take off your shirt and show him your "tumors" also??
ReplyDeletehahahahah
I've got to say, I'm very appreciative of my tumors. Perhaps all he needs to be told is that they are 'good' 'tumors'.
ReplyDeleteThat reminds me of a time, many years ago, when I asked my doctor about a lump I could feel in the left side of my abdomen. He felt around in there with a puzzled look on his face and then said, "It's your aorta!" LOL!
ReplyDeleteTechnically he's right. Tumours are growths, right? And these have grown. When he was an embryo they didn't exist, and as he became a child, then adolescent they grew: up and out and around. They've even calcified with age.
ReplyDeleteBest not show him the tumours at his hips, or heaven forbid the one around his brain (possibly)
Don't forget...this man also drives a car and votes for our nation's leaders.
ReplyDeleteSobering thought!
Tumour is latin for swelling so technically, he is correct, those bony lumps are tumours.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but does it hurt behind his eyes when he pees?
ReplyDeleteI remember checking for ticks on my little high-strung 12 lb dog and found 'lumps' (? possibly tumors) on her hips. I asked the vet about them at her next visit--they were fat pads, and she had to go on a diet.
ReplyDeleteBut, unfortunately, that was not the end of the story. Those little fat pads and previous diet had set her up for diabetes. There was a lot of stress in the house, disrupted sleep at night, and I'd not noticed she was going blind until going in the door of the house after an evening walk, she seemed to be exhibiting a strange behavior in 'chasing and jumping' toward something near the front door. After noting the cataracts, I realized she had been looking for the door entrance which she'd previously been able to see.
I took her to the vet early for her yearly shots, and but the diabetes was diagnosed only after excessive drinking.
Overfeeding inadvertently, fat lumps, stress and poor sleep, etc. blindness and diabetes, all hand in hand.
Too many snarky responses. Can.Not.Pick.One.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what he thinks the hard bony ridge is just above his nostrils?
ReplyDeletePoor bloke.
Tell him those tumours are benign, nothing to worry about unless they start growing or oozing.
ReplyDelete