Monday Reruns

Okay, everybody, let's take the Way-Back Machine to the early 1990's, when 4th year medical student Dr. Grumpy is interviewing for residency.


After medical school, young docklings go off to residency in our chosen fields.

But before we get into residency (through a mysterious process called "the match") we go off on interviews. Just like any other job.

I did my share of these interviews, traveling to 7 neurology programs in the early 90's to peddle my wares. These aren't quite as stressful as medical school interviews (for those you're begging them to take you, while for residency they need you & you need them, so both sides are trying in impress each other).

And this is the story of my least impressive interview:

I'd flown into the city the night before, and spent a relaxing night at a Motel 6.

The interview instructions said I was to begin by attending the Shitzenfuk Hospital Neurology conference at 7:30 a.m. This was several miles from the residency program's main hospital. And they actually told me to "ask around when you get there, and find a doctor willing to drive you back to our offices after the meeting".

So I took a cab from my motel to the hospital, and found the auditorium. Here I am, in a strange city, dragging my overnight bag around, with a bunch of docs who I don't know and who don't know me, and I'm walking around trying to bum a ride. Finally, after several looked at me like I was a sexual predator, one finally said. "Okay, I'm heading that way. I guess I can give you a ride."

Guess what? He turned out to be the freakin' chairman of the program I was interviewing at! He'd signed the letter telling me to bum a ride. You'd think he could have offered initially, since he knew I'd be there, but no.

So we walk out to his car. Mind you, I'm not a car snob. I don't expect doctors to be driving expensive things (my own car is a 2000 Nissan), but nothing could have prepared me for Dr. Chairman's mean set of wheels.

It was an early 70's Japanese something. Missing the right front fender. The trunk was half open, held down by a bungee cord threaded through a rust-hole.

I opened the passenger door. And a pile of empty soda cans, newspapers, fast food containers, orange peels, and heaven knows what else, fell out. Dr. Chairman said "sorry, let me clear that off" and began chucking the pile of garbage into the back seat (which was already covered with trash).

And off we went. It was December, and cold. My window was open. I tried rolling it up, but he said, "there's no window there, it broke years ago." The heat didn't work, either. So I was shivering away, with my overnight bag on my lap (no space for it anywhere else in the car). I hoped his driving skills were better than his car-care talents, because my seatbelt didn't work.

So we got to Neurology HQ. Where Ms. Bitchy at the desk (Dr. Chairman abandoned me as soon as we walked in) claimed I hadn't been invited for an interview, even when I showed her my letter. Eventually she realized she was looking at the previous week's schedule, and blamed me for having handed her the wrong schedule (which she'd actually pulled out of her desk).

Then it was time for my tour of the esteemed facilities. Ms. Bitchy directed me down a hall, and told me someone would meet me there.

Fortunately, one did. It was a nice guy named Pete, who (allegedly) was the chief resident. We talked for a minute in the middle of the building's lobby, which had white pillars everywhere, and halls leading in different directions.

After giving me a brief summary of the areas we'd be going to, Pete said, "It's a beautiful hospital. Follow me." He then turned around and walked straight into a pillar, breaking his glasses.

I helped Pete up, while some other guys in white coats ran over to try and stop the blood now pouring out of his nose.

As they led him away, Pete told me to wait in the lobby. A few minutes later Ms. Bitchy showed up, leading a girl in scrubs who'd apparently been on call the night before, and looked (understandably) less then enthusiastic about showing me around. It was a pretty quick tour.

Afterwards I had an interview with a doctor, who used most of our interview time to return patient calls. He also called Mastercard to argue about some charges, which he blamed on his ex-wife.

Then it was (per the schedule) lunch with the residents. None showed up. It was me and 3 attending physicians. Ms. Bitchy, the secretary-from-hell, had only ordered 3 lunches. She gave one to each of the doctors, and told me where I could find the hospital cafeteria.

I just went hungry, and spoke to the doctors. One of them told me he thought the newfangled MRA technology was a passing fad.

Then it was another interview. This time with Dr. Chairman of the crappy car. Who'd inexplicably left for the day. No one knew where he'd gone, or why.

Thus ended the interview. Ms. Bitchy told me she'd arrange a ride for me back to the airport, but given her remarkable organizational skills displayed thus far, I declined. She wouldn't let me use the phone on her desk, so I found a pay phone and called a cab.

I ranked them last. I have no idea where they ranked me. And no, I didn't go there.

Memories...

In the early 80's my family went on a generic “American Family Goes on a Bus Tour of Europe” trip. My sister and I (both teens) shared a hotel room.

My mom, for some reason I don’t remember (perhaps I never knew) had packed a bunch of off-brand blueberry Pop-Tarts. They weren’t even the real thing, some cheap store generic. Maybe she thought they didn’t have food in Europe. So this box of suckish store-brand pop-tarts was tossed in a suitcase, flown across the Atlantic on a 747, dragged over land in a tour bus, and taken across the channel in a hovercraft (yeah, there was no Chunnel, youngsters). For the record I think it was stale long before we even left. Possibly before she bought it. Why it made the trip I still don't know.

Anyway, late one night in Paris, while watching the crappy hotel room TV and trying to guess what they were saying, my sister and I had a big fight over something. I don’t remember what. It escalated from shouting to throwing things... and the nearest things at hand were the pop-tarts.

As we hurled them back & forth the silver packages tore and opened, sending chunks of pop-tarts  flying everywhere. If a piece was big enough to throw, it was thrown. I think we also threw some rock-hard raisin buns leftover from breakfast, hotel stationary, pens, and anything else lying around.

When it was over there were stale crumbs, frosting, and streaks of nasty artificial blueberry filling EVERYWHERE. Walls, blankets, sheets, curtains, TV, mirror, me, sister, door, carpet.

We checked out in the morning to move on to whatever the next country was. I have no idea what the place's cleaning crew thought of the bizarre mess.

My sister and I were terrified Dad would chew us out about extra charges for damages, but it never happened.

Time

Got this inquiry in a research email:

Not sure what sort of range they're really looking for, but curious where they came up with the higher end. If you're seeing 100,000 patients with ANYTHING in a 31 day month, it means you're spending 27 seconds with each of them. Provided, of course, that you don't stop to eat, sleep, or hit the bathroom.

"Hello, I'm your doctor. Have a nice day."

Seen in a chart

- Thank you, KC!

Turing test

Guy in suit comes in and stands at the front. Mary was tied up on the phone, and Pissy's staff had run out to pick up lunch. So I walked over to deal with him.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, can I help you?"

Suit guy: "HI! I'm your rep for the all-new Ginsu surgery center! Are YOU" (points finger at me) "Dr. Grumpy?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, yeah, but I don't do..."

Suit guy: "I'm here to get YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "to start doing YOUR outpatient procedures at the all-new Ginsu surgery center! What kind of outpatient surgical procedures do you do that we can help YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "with?"

Dr. Grumpy: "None, actually, I'm a neurologist and..."

Suit guy: "Of course you do! ALL doctors have procedures! Which ones do YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "do?"


(I look around. I'm alone. I hear Mary, with Pissy's returned secretary, out in the hall trying not to crack up in hysterics)


Dr. Grumpy: "EEG's. But those aren't..."

Suit guy: "We don't do THOSE at the all-new Ginsu surgery center, but we can help YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "achieve better results on your outpatient laparoscopic appendectomies, gall bladder removals, and orthopedic arthroscopies. Why don't YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "give the all-new Ginsu surgery center a try? I bet YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "would be pleasantly surprised at what we can do for YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "and your patients!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but you're wasting your time here. I'm a neurologist. I don't do surgery of any kind."


Long pause


Suit guy: "None at all?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Zero. Nada. Zilch."

Suit guy: "Okay, so what do you, um, Dr. Grumpy" (sort-of points finger at me) "as a, uh neurologist doctor do, exactly?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I sit at a desk all day and try to look smart."


Longer pause


Suit guy: "Um, I mean... uh..."


He left.

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that shape your world.



DATELINE: FLORIDA: Xavier Moran was in a car accident, and told police that his dashboard camera could prove he was cut off by another driver. To prove it he turned the camera over to police and signed a waiver allowing them to search the data file.

Unfortunately, the same camera also had footage of Mr. Moran using a baseball bat to burglarize a beauty supply store a few hours prior to his accident.

He was arrested for the burglary. No word yet on whether someone really did cut him off in traffic.



DATELINE: NEW YORK: Police were mobilized last Thursday after someone reported an escaped tiger running loose in Manhattan.

Investigating officers found it was actually a racoon.

A local news reporter suggested the caller visit a zoo to learn the difference.

The racoon has been turned over to the ASPCA.




DATELINE: not sure, somewhere in the U.S.

A reader sent in this pic of an, uh, innovative way to replace a broken rear window:

Special

Now I really feel valued. Thanks, Medscape!

Thank you, CU!

Teenage boys

Craig texted me after his zoology/botany class.

Mary's desk

Lady comes in, stands at counter.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Lady: "I'm here for my blood draw."

Mary: "We don't do labs draws here... Are you one of Dr. Grumpy's patients?"

Lady: "No, I'm enrolled in the research study, and was told I needed to have my blood drawn."

Mary: "Oh, okay. You're looking for the research center. They're 2 doors down the hall. Just go out  and take a left."

Lady: "You know, you people don't make it very easy to participate in your studies. I mean, I drove all the way here from south Grumpyville, and now you're refusing to draw my labs."

Mary: "You're not in the right office for that, ma'am. It's 2 doors down the hall, on your left. They have a big sign that says "Medical Research."

Lady: "Who is in charge here?"

Mary: "Uh, Dr. Grumpy."

Lady: "I want you to know I'm reporting your unhelpful attitude to him. Getting here on time wasn't easy."

Mary: "But..."

Lady: "Have a nice day."

Walks out.

Majority rules

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other questions?"

Mrs. Kroger: "I just can't believe you don't think I have Parkinson's disease! They all said I did!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Who's 'they?' Your other doctors?"

Mrs. Kroger: "No, the cashiers over at Grocery World."

Helpful

Seen on an office intake form.

House hunting

Mr. Patient and his wife come in. She's staring intently at something on her phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, folks. Have a seat.  How you been doing, sir?"

Mr. Patient: "Better, that medicine has really helped a lot and..."

Mrs. Patient "Mike, what do you think of the kitchen?" (shows him phone)

Mr. Patient: "Looks fine to me."

Mrs. Patient "I think it's too small."

Voice from phone: "Ma, you'll get used to it. You guys go out for dinner every night, anyway."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, what's going on?"

Mrs. Patient: "We're thinking of moving to San Diego, and our son is showing us places he's looking at for us on Facetime."

Dr. Grumpy: "So about the new medication, have you had any side effects?"

Mr. Patient: "No, actually I've been... Steven, is that the garage? I need more space than that for my woodworking stuff."

Mrs. Patient: "It's not like you ever use it. I was going to donate it to charity rather than drag it cross country."

Mr. Patient: "The hell you will! I use it more than you use the kitchen."

Voice from phone: "Dad, be reasonable."

Mrs. Patient: "Your father is never reasonable. Haven't you learned that? Mike, answer the doctor's question."

Mr. Patient: "I forgot what it was."

Dr. Grumpy: "Any side effects?"

Mr. Patient: "No. Steven, is there a community pool?"