Today's tips

1. If you drive, don't drive drunk.

2. If you get caught for driving drunk, don't drive drunk again.

3. If you get caught for driving drunk a second time, don't drive drunk again.

4. If the police notice you're driving erratically because you're drunk (again), pull over.

5. Do not run away from your vehicle in the forest.

6. If you run away from your vehicle, do not leave your wallet in it.

7. Do not run through deep snow. You leave footprints.

8. If it is cold out, do not toss your jacket aside. If the footprints keep going, they will follow them, not your jacket.

9. Do not climb a frozen tree, especially to a height of 30 feet. You're not fooling anyone.

10. If cornered by police while up in the tree, do not ask them if they caught "the guy who was driving" in slurred speech.

11. If the police point out that there was only one set of tracks, do not insist that "the other guy" (presumably the one who was driving) carried you on his back.

12. Insisting that you're an innocent owl, instead of a drunk guy in a tree, isn't going to fool them.

13. Shaking the branches to make snow fall on officers, and then yelling "Look! It's snowing!" isn't going to make them go away. They will just get a chainsaw.

14. Claiming that you were "just out for a run" isn't compatible with previously claiming to have been an owl. They fly.


And if you don't think one drunk guy could do all of the above, think again.