Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday morning, 3:59 a.m.

"Hi! I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy! My brain is constantly sizzling and the government put a tattoo on my forehead to make people think I'm crazy and the FBI keeps breaking into my house every night to rearrange my shoes and poison me! I need the doctor's help so I can go to the news and tell them this! People need to know that government agents are secretly spraying acid into their ears to eat their brains away and that it will make everything smell like bacon!"
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42 comments:

  1. skidmarkMarch 7, 2011 at 8:00 AM

    I was thinking that there was something nefarious about that government program until I got to "and that it will make everything smell like bacon!"

    Seriously? The government has finally figured out how to do this?

    Where do I sign up?

    stay safe.

    ReplyDelete
  2. HuderonMarch 7, 2011 at 8:02 AM

    The FBI keep coming to MY house and stealing individual socks, can't find a pair anywhere! Either the FBI or I just lose them, but ask yourself, which sounds more plausible? I thought so.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pissed RoommateMarch 7, 2011 at 8:03 AM

    Mmmmm... bacon.... For once the government is doing something right!

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  4. rnraquelMarch 7, 2011 at 8:07 AM

    Mmmmmm...bacon...

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  5. AnonymousMarch 7, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    Maybe this bothers him because he's kosher?

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  6. AlbinoblackbearMarch 7, 2011 at 8:38 AM

    My brain is starting to feel like it is sizzling these days too.

    I hope that isn't a prodrome...

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  7. JulieMarch 7, 2011 at 8:44 AM

    did you ring them back (or make poor Mary ring them back) to make the appointment?

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  8. OldSquidMarch 7, 2011 at 8:47 AM

    Caller ID: Charlie Sheen

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  9. PackerMarch 7, 2011 at 9:27 AM

    OldSquid , You inked my thoughts exactly. Must be that brain vive thing the guy is talking about.

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  10. Karen WMarch 7, 2011 at 9:52 AM

    Old Squid - awesome. Bacon instead of tiger blood!

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  11. Frantic PharmacistMarch 7, 2011 at 9:57 AM

    You can disregard my message, Dr. G.... I feel a lot better now.

    ReplyDelete
  12. SuFu PhDMarch 7, 2011 at 10:01 AM

    he went to the wrong blog, should have called psych doc.

    ps charlie sheen is a genius. lives with 2 beautiful blondes and is going to get a new tv show that he makes multi-millions/episode. i'd be bat-schmeg crazy for that life.

    ReplyDelete
  13. DevonayMarch 7, 2011 at 10:46 AM

    The government comes in my house at night and makes my jeans too tight. Maybe it's the smell of bacon...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Li'l AzathothMarch 7, 2011 at 11:00 AM

    I'm glad to see that, even in these days of budget cuts, the government is still able to find money for its most important programs.

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  15. AnonymousMarch 7, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Schizophrenic much? What do you do? Refer him?

    Melissa

    ReplyDelete
  16. Knot TellinMarch 7, 2011 at 11:32 AM

    Ah, so my patients have started seeing you, too?

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  17. bobbieMarch 7, 2011 at 11:42 AM

    OldSquid ~ you nailed it!!

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  18. Not HouseMarch 7, 2011 at 11:42 AM

    I really wish there was actually a government department dedicated to "screwing with the paranoid", where their soul function was to change subtle things in people's environment if only to perpetuate the illusion that the government is that powerful and coordinated.

    ReplyDelete
  19. AnonymousMarch 7, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    Neurologist. Mongolian Yak Herder. Press Agent.

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousMarch 7, 2011 at 12:02 PM

    Funny. Isn't breaking into people's houses and rearranging their shoes usually the job of the post office?

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  21. AnonymousMarch 7, 2011 at 12:27 PM

    So White Coat's patient (March 2 post) gotta hold of your phone number?

    I wonder if you could see sizzling brains on a PET scan? Set that to some German Death Metal and you got yourself YouTube gold!

    Anyway, enjoy the glories of gutted community mental health. The free floor show is just starting.


    SkullCandy

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  22. Dr. JMarch 7, 2011 at 1:21 PM

    So generic Dr. Grumpy! It could be any of hundreds of your patients!
    Dr. J

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  23. ERPMarch 7, 2011 at 1:30 PM

    Let me guess. He's an orthopaedic surgeon?

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  24. webhillMarch 7, 2011 at 1:46 PM

    Miss Message, I just have one question - when did you run out of the small yellow pills?

    ;)

    Your message leaver reminds me of the client who wanted the entire staff of my alma mater's teaching hospital to sign a non-disclosure agreement stating we would under no circumstances inform the secret service, FBI, or CIA about her bringing the dog to see us.

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  25. gloria pMarch 7, 2011 at 2:00 PM

    I wish it were the smell of bacon. They keep coming into my house and hiding my reading glasses.

    ReplyDelete
  26. kate sweetenMarch 7, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    I think that lady called me last month! She wanted to tell me all about how the government was using satellite dishes to send out brain waves to turn us all into souless zombies. WTF??

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  27. DorisMarch 7, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    Clearly needs to reinforce his tinfoil hat.

    >:p

    ReplyDelete
  28. SpikatMarch 7, 2011 at 4:32 PM

    Empirical research shows that use of tinfoil helmets actually *enhances* the government's efforts.

    http://berkeley.intel-research.net/arahimi/helmet/

    ReplyDelete
  29. SpikatMarch 7, 2011 at 4:36 PM

    Further research on the interwebs found this video of how they did it...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OuhHUvl6Sc

    ReplyDelete
  30. DonMarch 7, 2011 at 5:23 PM

    Silly me. I thought that editing and re-editing assembly instructions written by power point addicted engineers was the leading cause of brainrot...

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  31. The Evil ReceptionistMarch 7, 2011 at 6:01 PM

    Holy crap!

    Was this a current patient (Damn, hope not!) or someone attempting to make a new patient visit?

    ReplyDelete
  32. terri cMarch 7, 2011 at 8:40 PM

    Definitely needs a doc. Definitely not you. Damn FBI.

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  33. The MotherMarch 7, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    Yeah--I don't think he needs a neurologist.

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  34. donnaMarch 7, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    You could retire just with this
    guy alone.

    ReplyDelete
  35. bogartMarch 7, 2011 at 11:59 PM

    @Not House, not the government, but a private volunteer took it upon himself to do this (B&E with ... rearranging as the goal) to another local citizen in my area. I am not making this up -- the guy would break into the other person's home (I forget details, perhaps it was an old lock susceptible to a credit card?) and ... rearrange stuff. And leave. The victim (who had started to wonder if he was nuts) put in webcams and literally caught the perpetrator at it -- said perp was subsequently convicted. So while the government may not have this down, at least one private citizen did (for awhile).

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  36. CharlesMarch 8, 2011 at 12:09 AM

    Man, government folks sure are busy - in addition to all that and those missing socks and jeans, they move my car every time I come out from shopping at the megamall.

    ReplyDelete
  37. AnonymousMarch 8, 2011 at 3:51 AM

    Seriously paranerd.
    Make him an appointment for an inteview to join FBI, before his brain gets eaten away and he loses his sense of smell.

    ReplyDelete
  38. AnonymousMarch 8, 2011 at 6:13 AM

    While I'm not one to suffer fools gladly, someone who talks like this isn't just a run-of-the mill crazy patient. This person clearly has a serious mental illness, and that's not terribly humorous.

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  39. Michelle Dulak ThomsonMarch 8, 2011 at 11:10 AM

    I don't know, folks; to me that reads like a prankster who knows this blog and has figured out who writes it.

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  40. AnonymousMarch 8, 2011 at 11:29 AM

    yes.... my vote is for bipolar disorder with a psychotic break.... paranoid? delusional? calling in the middle of the night oh yeah...

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  41. Medical MojaveMarch 8, 2011 at 9:06 PM

    That patient occasionally comes to live with me and my family.

    It's so.much.fun. I want to scream.


    M

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  42. WarmSocksMarch 15, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    Just because you're paranoid... doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

    ReplyDelete

So wadda you think?