Dr. Grumpy: "Any health changes since I last saw you?"
Mr. Otitis: "I had an ear infection, that was about it."
Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, so at your last visit I ordered an MRI of your back..."
Mr. Otitis: "It was a bad ear infection. I had to see my family doctor for it."
Dr. Grumpy: "All right, but..."
Mr. Otitis: "I mean, it was like bloody diarrhea, except it was gushing out of my ear."
I stop stirring my coffee and push it away.
Mr. Otitis: "Anyway, can we talk about my MRI?"
Dr. Grumpy: "Let's do that."
"And the pus. I never knew so much pus could come out of such a small hole. We're talking firehose here. Like, I got to the point that I could hit a fly on the wall on the other side of the room..."
ReplyDelete"By the way, do you keep any gauze in those drawers? Could I borrow a roll or two for now?"
ReplyDelete"I knew it was a mistake to listen to Nickelback with earbuds."
ReplyDelete"By the way, can you recommend a new family doctor? My old one just took early retirement."
ReplyDeleteCoffee? Come on, be honest, it was a diet coke...
ReplyDeleteStercore pro cerebro?
ReplyDeleteThey wouldn't even let us take a drink while on vaccination duty because everyone was supposedly contaminated when we were first immunizing folks. I mean I was on 'observation duty' in the large room room set up for fifty people with chairs lined up six feet apart, and this very commanding nurse director comes over to us clinical observers and says, "Did you see that lady with her Starbucks leave the room?" I said, "No, I didn't happen to see anyone with an open drinks container. Maybe she had it in her bag?" "Well", he said, "You're on observation duty, and we don't allow any open containers, let alone drinks in here. You are supposed to be watching for anaphylactic reactions, and that is why you're wearing the neon fluorescent jacket (with reflective tape!). If the State Fire Marshal is here they need to know who is in charge, but you are going to have to watch better." I thought, "whoops, they're going to dock our volunteer pay." And, that was the last we saw of him.
ReplyDeleteThose of us who are afflicted with IBD never want to hear of bloody diarrhea gushing out of an ear, it is just to close to our reality
ReplyDelete