Following our first year of medical school, my roommate Enzyme and I returned to our home states for the summer. He (of course) found a girlfriend.
Enzyme saw it as just a summer fling, but failed to properly communicate this to her before returning to school (he claimed he had, and that she was crazy). Regardless, she had our apartment's phone number when he returned to school, though fortunately was over 1,000 miles away (back in those days, kids, you actually had to CALL people. Not e-mail or text. And you didn't each have your own phone, either).
So, in the time-honored tradition of single males sharing a cave, it somehow fell to the roommate (me) to answer the phone so he could hide. As many people of both sexes before him, he was hoping that if he ignored the calls, she'd stop calling. And we all know that never works.
I couldn't just ignore the phone, it might be for me.
So one day, as the phone started ringing, I said, "Enzyme, this isn't working. She's still calling." He agreed, and told me to try something else to get rid of her. Of course, he didn't offer any suggestions, either.
I answered the phone...
Medical Student Grumpy: “Um, hello?”
Summer Girl: “Hi! Is Enzyme around?”
...my mind went completely blank. I couldn't think of a single thing to tell her that might make sense, like "Enzyme has broken up with you."
Medical Student Grumpy: "Um, he, um, I mean..."
I had a complete mental block. Not one idea jumped to mind.
Summer Girl: "Hello? Are you still there? Can I talk to Enzyme?”
Medical Student Grumpy: "Enzyme, um, he, uh... Enzyme is dead."
Enzyme (whispering): "Holy CRAP! Don't tell her I'm dead! She might call my mom's house!"
Summer Girl: "Excuse me, did you just say Enzyme is dead?"
Medical Student Grumpy: "No, I mean, he's, um, he's... gay."
Enzyme (whispering): "WHAT THE FUCK?!!!"
Long pause.
Summer Girl: "So. Is he dead or gay?"
Medical Student Grumpy: (dazed and stammering) "Um, he's either dead, or gay, I don't remember which..."
Enzyme took the phone out of my hand and hung it up.
Although it wasn't planned that way, it worked. He never heard from her again.
"He's dead, Jim. Or gay."
ReplyDelete"He's still waiting for the test results to come back."
ReplyDelete"Not that there's anything wrong with that."
ReplyDeleteEither way, they wouldn't be dating any more!
ReplyDelete"My son's a homosexual... and I love him! I love my dead gay son!"
ReplyDeleteLOLOLOL - I'm laughing so hard I can't think...
ReplyDeleteEither way, I hope he was grateful.
ReplyDeleteEnzyme that’ is sometime slime isn’t it. I think she should hunt him down and make sure he’s dead.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best break-up stories ever. This one made me laugh out loud which made my husband ask what I was reading. I handed him the computer and he found it equally funny. He never does, so this post must be a real keeper.
ReplyDeleteTotally unexpected story. Therefore laughing hysterically. Like I can imagine the consternation of the woman at the other end of the line. Or, one of relief. Thank heavens, I escaped that one. The one with the nutjob for a roommate that doesn't know whether the friend is dead or gay.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, it does say something about the endearing character of said roommate when he can't even think of a plausible excuse -- which to my way of thinking means he's not in the habit of making plausible excuses.