My car battery died on Saturday, so I took it over to Local Car Place.
Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I bought this battery around Christmas, and it's dead now."
Counter guy: "Hang on, let me check it..." (connects a gadget to battery) "Hey, your battery is dead."
Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah."
Counter guy: "Were you able to start your car with this?"
Dr. Grumpy: "No."
Counter guy: "That's because it's dead."
Dr. Grumpy: "That's why I brought it in."
Counter guy: "Yeah, it's good that you did, because it's dead. Looks like it's under warranty. Did you want another one?"
Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."
Counter guy: "Okay. You'll need one, because this one is dead. It won't start a car."
Dr. Grumpy: "I'll just take a new one."
Counter guy: "Let me get you one. I wouldn't continue using this one, because it's dead."
As Michael Palin said, "it is just resting".
ReplyDeleteNo it's not! It's pining for the fjords!
ReplyDeleteWas the battery wearing a red shirt? In that case, it was always doomed to die.
ReplyDeleteIt's not pining! It's passed on! This battery is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! It's a stiff...
ReplyDeleteDid you get the impression he was attmepting to tell you something...
ReplyDeleteDid you tell him to stop beating around the bush and just give it to you straight?
ReplyDeleteRight ................. .
ReplyDeleteBut wait, do I really need a new one? I mean, it's not dead or anything, is it?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you noticed, but there might be something wrong with your batter. I'm not sure if it's dead, but it's never going to work again. Ever.
ReplyDeleteIt is an ex-battery!
ReplyDeleteShocking end to this saga. I did get a charge out of the exchange, the fast paced dialog was electrifying, the positive outcome outweights the negative perfomances of the actors.
ReplyDeleteCheck your system, battery of that age should not be dead, don't just figure it is the battery--those Range Rovers that neurologist drive are notorious for this.
So do you find it awkward when you run in to your patients outside of the office? I appreciate your respecting hippa and all, but this guy was clearly one of your yaks...
ReplyDeleteDuh, duh, duh, deader than a doorknob. You know? Kaput. Done for. I wouldn't keep it around anymore, if I were you. A dead battery isn't good for much of anything, especially if you're trying to run your car with it. Yeah. Dead, dead, dead. Why don't you get rid of it? Should we get you one that is not dead?
ReplyDeletemaybe he had a bet with a coworker about how many times he could say dead
ReplyDeleteSeriously, Ibee... how many times do you need to hear that it's dead before you finally accept that sad fact? I mean, kudos to the guy for so patiently and repetitively explaining it! :P
ReplyDeleteBut was it dead?
ReplyDeleteDeath is the last chapter in time, but the first chapter in eternity.
ReplyDeleteMay he rest in peace!
I'm with Jon!!! That classic scene was exactly what I was thinking!!
ReplyDeleteClearly a lot of Monty Python fans here. Dr Killpatient beat me to the ex-parrot (er, battery) line. ;)
ReplyDeleteOn his blog he complains about how many times he has to tell customers that a battery is died before they understand.
ReplyDeleteI think you got caught in a Monty Python-sketch time warp.
ReplyDeleteBattery: I'm not dead yet. I'm getting better.
ReplyDeleteWhat a coincidence - I had a discharged battery on Saturday too. Took forever for the truck to find my car on top of the airport parking garage, too...
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to know that if employment in the fast food industry doesn't work out there are always jobs in retail auto parts.
ReplyDeleteYou don't think the battery is just in a deep coma? Anyway, you are lucky. Mine usually die just days after the warranty has expired
ReplyDeleteAre you sure it's really dead? Perhaps another opinion is needed.
ReplyDeleteFor my last dead battery, I got into an argument with the sales guy over where I bought the car, seven years ago.
ReplyDeleteSeriously? "The computer needs it to be accurate."
If only you'd had a portable EEG (have I got that right?) machine to hook him up to to announce, you're brain dead!
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you don't live in NJ? Some years back, I called our local AAA station when my car wouldn't start. I had already tried to jump-start it, but it didn't turn over; just clicked, so I figured it was probably the starter. AAA guy isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the chandelier: his daughter's name is the same as mine (and is the feminine version of his name) but he could never remember my name (this in a town of 250 people, where everyone knows everyone). So I shouldn't have been surprised when, after I told him about my unsuccessful attempt to jump-start the car, he insisted on doing the same thing. Dialog went something like this:
ReplyDeleteMe: "It won't work; it just clicks. I think it's the starter."
Him (after trying to jump-start it): "Hmm, that didn't work."
Me: "I know. I think it's the starter."
Him. "Hmmmm...maybe it's the starter".
Me: "You think?"
He fiddled with it, got it going, and we took it to his station, where he wanted to install a starter he had pulled out of another car. Couldn't seem to understand why I didn't want to replace a bad starter with another bad starter...
Oy.
Live long and prosper, new battery.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your hospital information desk has more sensitivity in similar situations.
ReplyDeleteI think an autopsy is in order!
ReplyDeletePerhaps if you were to give your new battery a nice name like Evoltaline, if it's a female battery, or Amp, if it's male, it would thrive long time. Stop laughing, this is important.
You might consider putting those little chef caps you see on turkey drumsticks at the country club on the battery's terminals.
Lastly, don't forget the date of purchase of your new battery, as it can become little Amps BIRTHDAY, every year!
I dunno, maybe you better take it to another place for a second opinion...
ReplyDeleteDr Killpatient indeed beat me to it. How I love that sketch! "Isn't the plumage lovely?" The worst, absolutely worst, funeral homily I ever heard started like this:
ReplyDeleteWe are gathered here together
Because a very special person has died.
Joe is dead.
He won't be comin' back.
(At this point I had an almost-overpowering urge to leap up and screm either, "Wait, isn't this the Johnson wedding???" or "He CAN'T be dead, he owes me 20 bucks!!!")
Won't he be surprised tonight when he discovers that the battery is actually undead?
ReplyDelete"He's dead, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I'll get the wallet."
ReplyDeleteNext time refuse to let him check the charge of the battery and use it as an opportunity to demonstrate the whole Schroedinger's cat thing.
ReplyDeleteHa! Glad I'm not the only one that had Star Trek quotes in my head. ;)
ReplyDeleteNext new movie up:
ReplyDeleteRevenge of the zombie batteries?
Maybe he was miffed that you had diagnosed the problem yourself, Dr. Grumpy, and felt the need to say 'dead' more often than you did to show that HE is the expert?
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't just mostly dead? If it was mostly dead, it would still be slightly alive. You might try to take it to Miracle Max, he could give you a chocolate coated pill to revive it.
ReplyDeleteSorry, just had to interject my Pricess Bride lines into this conversation to change it up a little.....