Society pages

Harder to get invited to than a Presidential Inaugural Ball...

Fancier than an upper-crust party on the Queen Mary 2...

Wilder than a post-Oscar Hollywood bash...

Yes, this past Saturday was the annual Wingnut Elementary School Daddy-Daughter Dance.

As usual, the attendees were an A-list from Wingnut School grades 1-3, accompanied by their (considerably older) dates. This annual event, which is often mistaken for an FLDS mass-wedding ceremony, is the social event of the season for the young ladies.

The evening begins for most at an elaborate banquet, with swanky restaurants chosen by the gals. Bistros are selected for atmosphere, food, and (most importantly) the current month's Happy Meal offerings.

Marie Grumpy this year chose the elegance of a Denny's, and, when handed a Kid's Menu, glared at the server with obvious disdain and asked for "the grown up menu, the one with salmon on it." Rumor has it that her escort had grilled cheese.

Dresses in all colors of the rainbow were popular among the debutantes. Marie Grumpy was resplendent in a black dress, brown socks, and knee-high leather boots that she found in the costume closet (and was quite insistent on wearing). She completed her outfit with a shark-tooth necklace she'd purchased at SeaWorld last Summer.

Upon arrival at the event guests were greeted by a sumptuous hors d'oeuvre buffet of cookies and juice boxes. They were then ushered into the dance hall, which had been cleverly decorated to look like a grade school gym, with basketball hoops hanging from the ceiling and bleachers along the walls.

And so the festivities began. The floor was covered with balloons, whose popping (as they were stomped upon) added to the loud music and disco light display. One participant described the delightful spectacle as "migraine-inducing". It also led several of the young ladies to break decorum in a light-hearted balloon fight, which escalated to injuries serious enough to require a small band-aid to cover a boo-boo in one victim.

One unidentified father (but we all know who you are, Mike) graced the scene by wearing a HOT PINK TUXEDO to the event. This outfit certainly made him stand out from the rest of the crowd, especially when he danced on top of a table during "YMCA". His young escort was last seen by the ladies room, with a paper bag over her head.

Another injury occurred when a father was assaulted near the cookie table. He'd apparently never seen the Animal Planet show about "never get between a mother bear and her cubs", and didn't realize that it was even more dangerous to get between Marie Grumpy and the chocolate chip cookies.

One father spotted a neurologist, and cornered him to ask about groin pain. He had to yell to be heard over the music, and learned (the hard way) that if the music stops, and you keep yelling, then EVERYONE can hear about your medical concerns.

Another lovely princess had to leave early, after she vomited all over the dance floor. Her escort brazenly told the crowd, "she's been barfing all day, but I figured she'd stop after we got here." A local neurologist who witnessed the event commented that "although it's really not my field, generally a handful of cookies and a box of juice isn't a great treatment for projectile vomiting." We can only hope other parents will heed that advice next year.

The after-party was held at Local Ice Cream Parlor, where several interesting combinations were tried. Marie Grumpy had cotton-candy ice cream with Kit-Kats, while a young friend of hers had chocolate fudge with Gummi bears.

All are looking forward to next years ball, except for the guy in a pink tuxedo, whose man-card has been revoked.