You woke up this morning with severe back pain, completely paralyzed from the waist down. You immediately:
A. Call 911.
B. Call a friend to take you to the hospital 2 blocks from your home.
C. Drag yourself to your car and drive yourself down the freeway to a hospital over 1 hour from your home because you saw a TV ad last night on how it delivers "Premium Quality Healthcare"
D. When you discovered you couldn't drive because your legs were paralyzed, you grabbed a broomstick you had in your garage and used it to operate the pedals as you sped down the freeway at 75 mph.
E. Both answers C & D.
If you answered E, it was a pleasure meeting you this afternoon in the neurosurgical recovery room, sir. I hope they can get those wood splinters from the broomstick out of your hand.
My father once drove himself to the hospital to have a leg cast removed, using the same method.....
ReplyDeleteI hope you gave this idiot the premium quality healthcare that he was looking for
ReplyDeleteI worked with a woman who woke up blind in one eye and drove herself, one-eyed, to the hospital half an hour away.
ReplyDeleteYour story is much, much better.
oh my stars. people!
ReplyDeleteO.K. That's nuts! I'm really bad about it, but even I would call for help.
ReplyDeleteM
What is this I don't even...
ReplyDeleteSeriously?!
Sounds like the BRAIN portion of his central nervous system kinda sucks, too...
ReplyDeleteOh, my. Just 'Oh my'.
ReplyDeleteWhat a pea-brained imbecile! I keep trying to understand this person's reasoning...it's just one mobius strip of stupid!
ReplyDeleteseriously?
ReplyDeleteand kudos to the marketing company for your hospital. they are doing a fantastic job!
I'd make fun of your patient, but I drove myself to the hospital when I was in labor, having contractions a minute apart. In my defense, the hospital was only about 20 minutes away.
ReplyDeleteO_O Sometimes I make myself think that you are lying. It helps me cope with the fact people can be so stupid.
ReplyDeleteI never becoming a neurologist. I wouldn't be to handle that level of stupid without going crazy.
I don't know how you do it.
I could see my father doing this. Sweet Merciful Eris.
ReplyDeleteHopalong Ginsberg
I broke my right ankle a couple of years ago, and once I could move without vomiting, I drove myself to my doctor's office. Yes, I know it was stupid. Does it help that it was less than 1 mile away and I had my flashers on?
ReplyDeleteNo matter what the problem, I always go with Plan B.
ReplyDeleteLoved this. Aside from how he 'grapped' the broomstick. :p
ReplyDeleteOMIGOD. What caused the pain and paralysis? (I kind of hate to think--did the patient do something equally dangerous the ay before?)
ReplyDeleteI think your office staff may be on to something about you being a weirdo magnet as it seems to have extended itself into blog world..... I really like your blog... and I'm not really seeing the problem here with the guy getting himself to the best care. His spirit and can do attitude says a lot.
ReplyDeleteI once crawled down a mountain and into my pick-up and drove myself to the hospital, and no, I didn't go to the nearest hospital. I had a serious problem but did want to live to see the sunrise.
The hardest part was getting up into that big Chevy, luckily, I had some really nice chrome running boards which helped.
Just when you think we've really hit rock bottom in the "lack of reasoning skills" department someone comes along to bring it to an even deeper level.
ReplyDeleteA good family friend of mine drove himself to the ER while he was having an M.I. At a red light a prostitute jumped on the hood of his car and starting grinding herself against the windshield. When his wipers didn't do the trick he just drove on until at the next light she rolled off and accosted another driver.
Your example blows that story out of the water though...wow. You really do attract the 'special' ones. ;)
I can hear the screeching of the tyres, and visualise, in slow motion, loads of woody splinters from the broomstick handle shooting into grasping palms like tiny needles.
ReplyDeleteWhat a rush....
That must have been one hell of an ad.
ReplyDeleteYet another Darwin award candidate in training...
ReplyDeleteBTW, my word verification is rebull.
I feel like i say "face palm" to EVERY one of your stories....lol
ReplyDelete<3
Oh, come on --- your choices were far too easy --- make our guessing more challenging! Like maybe the guy had his two trained parrots operate the gas and brakes. Or he drove upside down with his hands on the pedals and peered out through his ass, since obviously that's where his head is.
ReplyDeleteSweet Jesus. And we're sharing the road with these morons.
Yes, people, this is true. If you don't believe me, go look at peopleofwalmart.com to see human stupidity in action.
ReplyDeleteSorry about misspelling "grabbed". I corrected it. Damn!
As I read this story to my fiance, he pointed out that the hospital we work for would crap their pants to have a story like that to work with... Granted they couldn't advertise it. But- "Paraplegics drive with broomsticks to get to our hospital because it's so awesome!" would be the marketing department's wet dream.
ReplyDeleteOh, we're so proud to work there, we are...
What I love about people like this is their total disregard for the health & safety of others. Forget "can do attitude," these folks have a selfish sense of invincibility.
ReplyDeleteAlso, how ironic that we have idiots calling 911 to get a ride to the ER for their regular narc refill, and this dude chooses to drive himself.
If Mr. Bean did it, and did it sitting in an easy chair on the roof of the car no less, how hard could it be? (J/K of course!)
ReplyDeleteI think he was either a Marine, Special Forces, in heavy denial or just plain stupid-
I'm kind of surprised at how harsh some of these comments are. I understand how the story can be told and heard in an amusing way (and I hope that the gentleman in question is someday well enough to laugh at it himself).
ReplyDeleteBut, you guys have had fortunate lives indeed if you have never experienced how severe pain and terror can reduce your ability to act rationally. I can hardly imagine the panic of suddenly being paralyzed from the waist down. Some people are remarkably calm when in extreme pain and disability, but most are not. You may feel sure you are among the few who would act in a sane fashion under duress, but why mock those who aren't so lucky?
I'm not condoning the very dangerous (to himself and others) thing this guy did, but I can understand it.
ReplyDeleteMost of my family lives in a smaller midwestern city where there isn't a lot of trust for the local hospital. One part of this is because the Dominant Regional Health Care System has in the past made efforts to block access to surgical specialists in nearby larger cities. I imagine that if presented with a neurosurgical emergency the local hospital would stabilize the patient and ship him up to a city with a neurosurgeon ASAP, but I can easily see a patient being *very* nervous about the corporate masters somehow blocking this.
I have no trouble believing the story. While personally I wish the man would have called for help - even a family member or friend, if not 911 - rather than use such a, well, chancy method to drive himself, I can understand his point of view.
ReplyDeleteI drove myself to the hospital after fracturing my left hip. I have an automatic transmission, I stayed on surface streets, and the ER is only 10 min from my house (I also didn't realize I'd broken the damn thing). However, when I broke my right ankle, I wasn't about to try to drive, even with my left foot, apart from the fact that I was dizzy and vomiting from the pain. (I didn't call 911, as to me this wasn't a true emergency - I called my partner to come get me.)
But OMFG - doing a Mr Bean on the freeway at 75MPH? Even if he was determined to be a tough guy, what about all the other people he put at risk? Especially as he apparently had some kind of neuro problem, which could have affected his vision, reaction time, etc.
Grumpy, I must say I both sympathize, and deeply appreciate, your being such an asshole magnet. I know it makes your life tough, but what a boon for the rest of us!
So, BTW, what was his dx?
Paralyzed from the waist down and he didn't think to call an ambulance?
ReplyDeleteHell, I'm inspired!
I'm gonna' drive myself to the morgue after I die. Probably make a pit-stop at WalMart on the way.
Jesus Christ on a Krispy Creme!!!
"Sorry about misspelling "grabbed". I corrected it. Damn!"
ReplyDeletePlease, please, please, Doc G., don't feed the spelling/grammar nazis.
It's best to just ignore them. Your faithful readers knew exactly what you meant (yes, we knew you typo'd grabbed into grapped and we still understood what you were saying... 'tain't no thang).
Hmmmm...does the period go on the inside or the outside of the parenthesis? Hold on just a minute while I grab my copy of Strunk & White...on second thought, fuck it!
And for God's sake, please, Please, PLEASE do not apologize to little miss english comp teacher if your fingers should get crossed on the keyboard...like I said before, we know damn well what you are saying, and we, the faithful, don't care if you have the occasional typo(s), as they detract not one iota from your stories.
PS - Was there a reason the man perhaps didn't want anyone else - say, like, EMS or police, or maybe a family member - coming into his house to help him?
ReplyDeleteOr is that just my nasty suspicious mind?