"Hello, um, we worked together, in 1995, I think you were in residency at the time. Anyway, I hate to bother you, but I really need some Vicodin or something called in, because I have really bad neck pain, and back then I mentioned it to you. I'm not a junkie because I used to have a nursing license and learned all about these drugs, and why you shouldn't abuse them, so if you could please call some Vicodin in to Local Pharmacy I really need it."
Um...WTF?
ReplyDelete>:p
Doris- That was my reaction, too.
ReplyDeleteSo, since mentioning her neck pain to you in 1995, she has exhausted all the other physicians she has ever known? Is that why she's calling you?
ReplyDeleteI wonder why she USED to have a nursing license.
Anon- Yeah, I thought the "used to" part was the best.
ReplyDeleteIn the perverse logic these people have, she likely remembered me, or found me in the phonebook, and figured she had nothing to lose.
Wow. That's just sad on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteStudents must be SO smart these days; even those in medical assistant programs. If I had a dime for every time I heard "oh no, I don't need counseling on my prescription because I'm in school to be a medical assistant/cna/nurse/ect." I would be a gazillionaire. :)
ReplyDeleteLooks like you just got a call from my MIL.
ReplyDeleteOMG...that reminds me of "Mr Jimmy", my dad's roommate at the hospital. I'll have to write about that experience sometime.
ReplyDeleteWho bothers a doc in the middle of the night unless you are dying? For the love of God, go to the street corner and score some crack or something.
Rule #1, if you say you're not a junkie, you're a junkie.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I thought it was just hysterically funny....
ReplyDeleteThen I thought, wow...that's really sad.
Awww, how nice of that old friend to contact you -- and at 1:47 am too.
ReplyDeleteMust have been the Christmas spirit or something. Sheeeessshhhhh.
But he's a NURSE!! Obviously he cannot be a junkie.
ReplyDeleteUm, I took an anesthesia class in med school. Can I have some propofol please? It's for sleep. I NEED it.
Old MD Girl- call 1-800-CONRADMURRAY for Propofol.
ReplyDeleteOK. Now you need to add a "NO I AM NOT A JUNKIE" mug to the Dr. Grumpy merchandise.
ReplyDelete"Hello, um, you probably don't remember me (as we've never met), but I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Anyway, I hate to bother you, but I really need some Morphine or something called in (fresh needles and syringes would be nice too...), because I have really bad lower back pain, as do most quadrupeds who went bipedal. I'm not a junkie because I used to have that game "Operation" when I was a kid and I know all about lighting up the patient's nose with the forceps, so if you could please call some CII opioids in to Local Pharmacy I really need it. Oh, and if you could pick it up and pay for it and deliver it to my house, that would be great. Oh yeah, and while you're out, I could use some bleach and ice-cream as well. Thanks!"
ReplyDeleteSleep deprivation - another good reason to be Grumpy.
So she's worked her way back to 1995. A few more months and she'll be calling her old pediatrician, and then her mother's old ob-gyn...
ReplyDeleteThat is absolutely ridiculous beyond reason.
ReplyDeleteERP- would you rather have her in your ER?
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. Just nuts.
But these people have no reason.
Pronon, the even sadder part is the DO call their old pedi, or their kids' pedi, or their best friend's brother's stepkid's pediatrician. most of the time they are "smart" enough to just ask for "codeine cough syrup" because the kid can't sleep. always a tipoff when you don't hear coughing in the background!
ReplyDeleteI hope you hung up on him/her......and then called the local pharmacy to be on the lookout for a fraudulent phone call coming in from someone trying to impersonate you.
ReplyDeleteGod almighty... the amount of stupid pages you get astounds me!
I hate to bother you, but I really need some Morphine or something called in (fresh needles and syringes would be nice too...), because I have really bad lower back pain, as do most quadrupeds who went bipedal. I'm not a junkie because I used to have that game "Operation" when I was a kid and I know all about lighting up the patient's nose with the forceps.
ReplyDeleteDid anyone else catch the ad for Sober College at the bottom of these comments?? Ha ha ha
ReplyDeleteI just love junkie logic.
ReplyDeleteI bet he/she got bounced from the local ER, and started dialing any human who could write a script.
LD50 Rat
Word vert-->fablys, as in the junkie thought his friend, 4 times removed would believe his fablys excuse for Oxycontin.
Dr. G, while I would like to think that you are really just a well educated English major with a flair for storytelling...I have to conclude that you ARE a working MD, and are also a total SHIT MAGNET! Where do these people come from.....and how do they ALL find YOU???????
ReplyDeletePattie, RN
Pattie- Dunno. If I knew that, I'd had.
ReplyDeleteActually, I'm not so sure I get any more shit than anyone else. I just write about it.
And yes, I am a real M.D., board certified neurologist.
Um, Dr. Grumpy? Now that I'm subscribed to your RSS feed, can you do me a favor? I'm having really bad menstrual cramps and need some Z-bars....
ReplyDeleteHey, Grumpy? I don't know you, but I'm a neuroscience nurse, and so I was thinking maybe you'd come over and bring me a pint of good vanilla ice cream, like Ben & Jerry's, and maybe some hot fudge, and some whipped cream? And nuts. Not peanuts, but pecans. Toasted.
ReplyDeleteFor my PMS.
No, *really*.
so that means no vicodin right?
ReplyDeleteDamn!
I think you deserve a medal.
ReplyDeleteso how much did u prescribe? 25ml one pill and some recomendations to some loacl rehab places!
ReplyDeleteAnd that same "special" patient will call me at the pharmacy first thing in the morning and insist that I page you on their behalf to get a "refill"....Oh I know him personally. He will ok it. I'll be there in 20 minutes...it should be ready, right???
ReplyDeleteYep... get right on that one.....
'I know him personally' is always a great tip-off. If you know him personally, you should have called him personally. Don't try your passive-aggressive manipulation tactics on me.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
Queen of the Switchboard
How did my patients from the nursing home get your number? Damn, I hate junkies.
ReplyDelete