Oh, 2 tomatoes, and some paper plates? No problem. Let me get my car keys.
Crap, Local Grocery is mobbed. Hey, bitch! Don't flip me off! I wasn't even looking at that parking space. Chill.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Salvation Army dude. My only cash is $3, but I'll gladly put it in your kettle.
What a fucking mob scene. Hey! Don't push me! I didn't even want the last shopping cart! I'm just here for some damn tomatoes, lady. Merry Christmas.
Hi, it's me. I have the tomatoes. What brand of paper plates do you want? No, it looks like they're out of those. Okay, I'll get Chinet. Says they're made from recycled paper. Hope it's not toilet paper.
No, Mr. Salvation Army. I gave you my last $3 on the way in. Remember? Merry Christmas.
Hello? No, just leaving. Lettuce? Yeah, hang on. I can go back. Looks like some guy in a Santa hat is yelling at the Salvation Army guy for blocking the door, but security is leading Santa away now. Shit, somebody took my parking space as soon as I pulled out. Let me find another one.
Sorry, Mr. McDonald's manager. I didn't realize this space was for McD's customers only. It's not marked that way. I'll move my car, don't worry. Merry Christmas.
Mr. Salvation Army, it's me again. I had to come back. You have my $3 already.
Lettuce... hey, stockperson, whatever sex you are, where's the lettuce? You only have 3 heads left? Wow. I had no idea there'd be such a rush on iceberg for Christmas. Well, this one looks like it's been dropped the least.
It's a self-checkout. Look, I don't recognize you as one of my Alzheimer's patients, but you obviously are not grasping how to work this thing. So go over to the cashier and check-out the old fashioned way. I think she's one of my dementia patients, so I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about while you hold up that line.
What the fuck! It's not taking my credit card! All I want is one fucking head of bruised iceberg lettuce!
WhatdoyoumeanthefuckingcreditcardsystemhascrashedbecauseeveryotherlastminuteloserinAmericaistryingtousetheircreditcardrightnow?
How long will that take?
NO! I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CASH! I GAVE MY LAST 3 DOLLARS TO THE FUCKING SALVATION ARMY GUY! IF I HAD ANY CASH DO YOU THINK I'D BE WASTING MY TIME TRYING TO PUT A SINGLE $1.29 HEAD OF LETTUCE ON A FUCKING CREDIT CARD?!!
Well, fine. I'll go over to the ATM across the parking lot. Look at that line and NO, YOU BELL-RINGING ASSHOLE! YOU ALREADY HAVE MY $3! IF I HADN'T PUT IT IN YOUR FUCKING KETTLE I'D HAVE BEEN HOME BY NOW!
This is the line for the ATM? There are 5 freaking ATM's here? Oh, great, the other 4 are all out of cash due to the Christmas rush. Fine, I'll wait.
Hello? No, I'm in line at an ATM. I need to get cash to buy lettuce and... Because I gave it to the Salvation Army guy, that's why! Look, it's taking longer than I thought!
NO, MR. SALVATION ARMY! I just got this $20 out of the ATM after waiting for 15 minutes, because I gave you my last $3 and now the credit card machine is broken, and if you approach me again I'm going to shove that fucking bell up your ass.
YOU SOLD MY FUCKING BRUISED HEAD OF LETTUCE TO SOMEBODY ELSE? ARE THERE ANY LEFT? NO? CALL THE FUCKING MANAGER!!!
Fine I'll take this bag of salad instead, but it better be for the original $1.29. Merry Christmas.
Don't even think about it, Mr. Bell Ringing Salvation Army Guy.
When I got home Mrs. Grumpy told me she'd just found an extra head of lettuce in the refrigerator. She'd forgotten she'd bought one yesterday and put it in the produce drawer.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
I think you just cured me of my desire to go for one last gift.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh - you just described my afternoon. Except for the part where, while I waited to turn left out of the mall, they closed the entire street down for the damn olympic torch run.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your bag of salad. Merry Christmas, Dr. G.
Ha! Well, at least the store was open, right? They closed both of our Walmarts because of the blizzard...Loving this strange weather! Have a very Grumpy (uh...Merry) Christmas :)
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! That was freakin' hilarious.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, Dr. Grumpy.
L.
Take a couple of very deep breaths, hug your wife, hug your kids, and be thankful you don't have to go out again tonight.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, Dr. G.
You should post this on FMLblog. :) Merry Christmas, put some rum in your Diet Coke for a change. I hope the rest of your holiday goes more smoothly!!
ReplyDeleteNow that's the true meaning of Christmas! Running around to buy crap at the last minute for people that don't really need it to begin with. God bless us, everyone!
ReplyDeleteA wonderful 'bah humbug' rant, Dr G. Hehe.
ReplyDeleteSure hope you have a great *rest* of your Xmas. Me, I'm 400 kms away from any form of commercial Xmas, spending time with friends. Ahhh bliss! :P
Whoa, Nellie, I mean Donder or Blitzen.
ReplyDeleteThat was 'SOME PIG' (from Charlotte's Web).
Hilarious, but bet all those F bombs were kept inside the cranial vault. (Thank heaven, the children were otherwise occupied with arranging Lego patterns on the living room rug. I can't imagine going on a futile errand with kids in tow, like I see sometimes at the pharmacy counter.)
Was your credit card a visa/mastercard? If so, the whole thing was down across the nation today... Doesn't make for happy customers when they ring up their "vico-dans" and their credit card won't work...
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! BEST. POST. EVER!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDr. Grumpy, I feel like I should apologize to you for how hard I laughed when I read this post. Who knew that the acquisition of tomatoes made for such great blog fodder?
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Dr. G.
And that, dear children, is why God invented spousal abuse
ReplyDeleteI here at work, reading this, and laughing, out loud. I normally don't do that. Have another Doc, looking at me, because I am disturbing his dictation, by laughing.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to all......
mm
Wow. I would have lost my mind. Well the good news is since pretty much everywhere is closed tomorrow, you won't have to deal with that crap tomorrow and it will be a good day! And if it will make you feel better, you could just rob one of those Salvation Army turds.
ReplyDeleteAt times like this I ALWAYS check the fridge before leaving the house.
ReplyDeletelmfao! You're so good at capturing the experience of human angst! I literally asked a cashier yesterday if they ever find people smashed and sprawled out on the floor like roadkill after closing. He said no, but after my experience, I'm not convinced he was telling the truth. I swear, if you get in certain people's way here, they *will* run you over with their cart. Welcome to FL. Merry Christmas. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHope you enjoyed today's wonderful, shopping-free day. Sometimes I think the best part of Christmas is that the stores are CLOSED. :-)
Lol....similiar thing happened to my assistant for a bag of dinner rolls.....hehehehe...
ReplyDeleteI think you should write a book. You keep people laughing all the time. This is a great story and sounds a lot like the luck my husband has.
ReplyDeleteOh, if I had been your wife I would have hid that head of lettuce I found and NEVER told you about it.
ReplyDelete