So following the time-honored tradition of my Bible (Chapter 20- Execute Forms at Dawn) I'm sitting here doing miscellaneous paperwork.
For those of you who have never had to deal with employer health forms, they are a freaking nightmare. A remarkable collection of stupid questions, redundancy, and more redundancy.
Today I'm completing job forms for one of my epilepsy patients, who works in sales. Questions from his employer include:
Is Mr. Shakes capable of working in sales during a seizure? (depends on what he's selling)
Would a seizure at work impair Mr. Shakes' job performance? (No! Who could resist an unconscious salesman who just wet himself?)
Will Mr. Shakes need to leave work to attend doctor appointments? (Of course not, I'll just swing by in the Grumpymobile)
If Mr. Shakes has a seizure, will it be necessary for him to leave work? (No, just leave him lying in the aisle)
Between seizures, is it safe for Mr. Shakes to operate a golf cart for clients (NO! Wait till he's having a seizure, THEN let him operate it)
Your Grumpymobile must be AWESOME!
ReplyDeleteMaybe the forms are designed to weed out employees with competent doctors?
ReplyDeleteBarb- I guess I failed, then.
ReplyDeletehehehe...
ReplyDeleteguess common sense is the most uncommon.or maybe it was just a gimmick to have a written proof as the poor guy's rejection criteria.wish diplomacy worked wid docs!
A friend told me about your site a couple weeks ago and I wanted to say that I love your story telling abilities. Your take on the health forms had me laughing so hard I was crying.
ReplyDeleteAs someone that worked in hospital administration far too long I can relate to many of your stories. Thanks for brightening my day. I love your sense of humor.
Alicia
Thanks for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteThe floppy fish is NOT condusive to work. What idiots.
ReplyDeleteYou should either work in a comedy club (something I wanted to do but was too chicken because I am not that funny), or you should immediately replace David Letterman, assuming you are faithful to Mrs. Grumpy, or better than DL at concealing your lapses.
ReplyDeleteYou DON'T mess around with your patients or your nurses, right?
Maybe the yaks are keeping an eye on you. On the other hand, maybe you are messing around with the yaks.
"redundancy, and more redundancy."
ReplyDelete....that seems a little redundant.
Ha.
Those forms do suck though.
Can you please give me any tips on how it is that you don't lose your own mind dealing with such idiots?? Because, I find myself getting all worked up and frustrated and they could care less. I would have written those answers in and sent the form--but then again I seem to get myself in more trouble than I probably should.
ReplyDeleteLonely- it ain't easy. But ya gotta do it. So I try to find the humor in it, and bitch about it here.
ReplyDeleteThe floppy fish comment up above reminded me of Ed. Did you ever get the electric nerve fish tank contraption workable?
ReplyDeletePink- Not yet, on the schedule for a weekend soon, I hope.
ReplyDeleteyou know what is really sad...these types of forms are fishing for a reason to fire this guy. "Sorry Bob driving that cart is a vital part of your job description and we just can't accommodate your disability without putting extreme stress on the company, enjoy unemployment!"
ReplyDeleteWhere do I find a gig where driving a golf cart is part of my job!?!
ReplyDeleteYou'd think someone the insurance company was mocking you or something.
ReplyDeleteDumbest question I was ever asked on an insurance form: "How many potentially fatal diseases have you contracted in the last year?" I laughed so hard, I could finally provide the urine specimen.
The people that come up with these forms leave me bemused. But, as I read this, all I can think of is my poor husband who is surrounded by coworkers who insist that they cannot fill out these forms because they don't know how!
ReplyDeleteI have e-mailed this post to him with the thought that he might print out and circulate it as a primer for them.
Even though I'm sure they'd be more fair, this is the kind of thing that makes me nervous to discuss my health with my employers.
ReplyDeleteIt's how I ended up tagging along for a what turned out to be a disastrous and rather painful 10-pin bowling party....
My husband while working for a small company actually had an employee who lied about having epilepsy that he hired. The problem was the job involved climbing up ladders into suspended ceilings fifteen feet above the ground or factory floors 60 feet above the ground to run cabling for computers, phones, and involved driving anywhere from 10 miles to several across three states to get from job sites to install, repair, replace cabling and computer components etc. The problem was now you had to pay somebody for a job where 90% of the work they were hired to do, they couldn't or shouldn't because insurance wouldn't cover him in any falls or driving of company vehicles. There was no other job to switch him to in the company and due to state and federal laws they couldn't fire him. Awkward isn't it. But I still think you're funny.
ReplyDelete@anon 3:11
ReplyDeleteWouldnt your husband have checked his drivers license before he hired him because he would be driving company vehicles?? Anyone with dx of current Epilepsy should have a suspended drivers license. At least here in Fla it is. Just wondering.
Dude lied about his medical history, therefore the insurance forms aren't bad. Hmmmm.
ReplyDeleteOur baby had an intusseception on a Saturday morning. Our claim was denied initially because we should have had a prior authorization. I guess a dead baby is cheaper for insurance companies.
Thanks doc! I needed that laugh!
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the time I needed a replacement Keppra for a patient because ours fell on the floor and was run over by a wheelchair.
The night supervisor's job is to get us stuff if we don't have it on the unit, and we were plumb out.
Pharmacy gave me hell until I sicced the super on them.
"What do you want...me to send him to your already-crowded, always on diversion ER because he had a seizure when you could have just sent the pill over instead."
I'm just sayin'...they did send the pill right away after that!
The guy who lied on his application to get hired, lied to get a drivers lisense, and first words out of his mouth after his first grand mal seizure was, "If you fire me, I'll sue."
ReplyDeleteJust what you want in an employee!
Call a lawyer of your own. Seems like there should be a legal way to fire him--for the fraudulent statements on hire at the very least.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the forms. For patients, it's bad too. I've found a good PCP now but when I was searching for a good dr, and they would ask for my name and address on every page, I would simply write "See page 1" every time.
ReplyDeleteWhen I handed it in, sometimes they tossed it back at me, sometimes not.
Dear Dr. Grumpy,
ReplyDeleteI seriously just spent 30 minutes cleaning up the coffee I spewed all over my screen when I read this. Thanks for making the day of a work comp CM bud! Can you please relocate to my area now? We seriously need you.
Chuckr44: What if a page comes out of your file? Wouldn't it be better if they could figure out what file to put it back into? I have no problem at all with unique identifying information on every page.
ReplyDelete