Tuesday, June 16, 2009

ATV Danger!!!

The following is a public service announcement from Grumpy Neurology, Inc.

While I always strongly recommend NOT having anything to do with those modern deathtraps called ATV's (I see way too many young people with brain and spinal card injuries from them) a new ATV danger has recently come to my attention.

When going water skiing at Lake Sewage with your buddies, ALWAYS remember to bring your water skis. Having them makes water skiing much more enjoyable, not to mention possible.

If you've forgotten your skis, and are too drunk to use common sense, IT IS NOT ADVISABLE TO TRY USING AN ATV IN PLACE OF THE SKIS!!!

Extensive studies of physics (Newton, Einstein, Hawking et al) have shown that the ATV will likely sink like a stone, or float upside down with it's wheels at the surface. Whether it has 3 wheels or 4, or how fast you drive the boat, are irrelevant. Revving the ATV's engine will not change this outcome, and it will shut down upon immersion, anyway.

Medical studies have also shown that having a blood alcohol content well beyond the legal limit WILL NOT lessen the chance of this being an unsuccessful attempt at discovering a new watersport.

Trying to argue with the neurologist who was called to see you for your head injury will NOT alter the laws of physics and buoyancy. While I can understand why the consumption of alcohol might have led you to believe that the ATV would run fine on water (hey, it did great on snow last winter! And that's water!) it most assuredly will not.

This has been a public service announcement.
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23 comments:

  1. TexJune 17, 2009 at 8:27 AM

    You can't cure stoopid!

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  2. moppieJune 17, 2009 at 10:37 AM

    To have an ATV you must be rich right? While I was reading this post, I was more mourning the quick loss of the ATV at the bottom of the lake rather than the person. What a waste of money.

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  3. CalladusJune 17, 2009 at 11:00 AM

    I wonder if the patient said, "Hey Y'all, watch THIS!"

    Just how many ER patients have said that as their last able-bodied words?

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  4. UnknownJune 17, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    My cousin would try this whether he had 2 beers or 20 beers in him.

    "Just cuz you all have dat fancy book learn' stuff behind ya, doesn't mean it ain't possible. Everybody whoz learnted, is just tryin' to keep dat common man down."

    Uncle Darwin just another cull with Mr Aqua ATV.

    Don't worry, Mr. Aqua ATV be back in the ER on July 4th. He'll have played lets toss M 80s at each other. One will explode in his face.

    Alcohol and stupidity will play a factor in this situation too.....

    Rat

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  5. AnonymousJune 17, 2009 at 11:26 AM

    I'm reel shur alcohol helps me stay relaxed and not get hurt much - now hold my beer and watch this!

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  6. SabraJune 17, 2009 at 11:34 AM

    No, you don't need to be rich to own an ATV. The guy in the trailer across from me (and mind you, these are all single-wides) has an ATV. He is also the only person I know to use one while not drunk.

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  7. landlockedtxnJune 17, 2009 at 1:40 PM

    What Tex said...hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahhahahahaha,,,

    Unforunately, this type of behavior runs rampant on certain branches of my family tree...have seen stunts equal to or great than this...with the same catastrophic result...

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  8. Liz SulliJune 17, 2009 at 1:58 PM

    Was camping in the Ozarks this past weekend and actually witnessed another human being doing just this. The same family also let their 4-year-old child jump in the lake alone, into a bunch of rocks in a high traffic boating area

    Thanks for the timely and direly needed public service announcement! Perhaps you work in Arkansas?

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  9. AnonymousJune 17, 2009 at 2:23 PM

    Ugh. I HATE ATVs. Could write a whole post about ATVs and the people who drive them.

    Anyway, I haven't heard of people trying to ski with an ATV. I have heard about people using snow mobiles to skip across melted lakes. When I first learned about this activity, my relatives were telling me about how a guy tried to skip across a lake. The snow mobile sunk, and he drowned. The reason he drowned? He didn't know how to swim.

    Oh, in Wisconsin, they actually hold contests for snowmobile water skipping.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Watercross

    -- 5th year pharmacy intern

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  10. AnonymousJune 17, 2009 at 4:43 PM

    But I could get to the middle of the lack on it when I was ice fishing in February!!!!

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  11. DaniJune 17, 2009 at 4:55 PM

    I live near a very large lake... I think things like this happen much more often that we would like to think. I guess it is like natural selection... kind of.

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  12. ladyk73June 17, 2009 at 5:40 PM

    Um...there goes my neighborhood. Alcoholic #23 moved out of the house next door, alcoholic #24 moved in. I now have a broken down ugly RV blocking the sun to my garden, a "work" trailer ful of canisters (please don't blow up my house) and the greatlakes version of the atv:a "personal watercraft" with trailer. Hopefully he will use the little populated boat access ramp nearby (to the niagara river). It is one of the closest to niagara falls. Maybe he will get drunk and run out of gas.

    I am usually a nice person. However the guy just moved in and already got into a fist fight with his friend.

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  13. UnknownJune 17, 2009 at 5:52 PM

    I love it when parents buy them for 8 year olds. "Isnt it cute!! Its soo tiny!!"

    stupid asses.

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  14. Reality RoundsJune 17, 2009 at 7:41 PM

    Was your patient Ozzie Osbourne by any chance?

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  15. AnonymousJune 17, 2009 at 8:12 PM

    But I was able to get to the middle of the lack during February!!!

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  16. MahaJune 17, 2009 at 10:54 PM

    Dudes must have been friends with my guy who agreed to let himself be shot by a BB gun to make some $$. Ijits!

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  17. pharmacy chickJune 17, 2009 at 11:03 PM

    I guess the fact you saw him as a patient meant he was still alive and didn't qualify for the darwin awards...hmm. too bad.

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  18. LynJune 18, 2009 at 1:04 AM

    A farmer here in New Zealand let his 4-year-old drive the ATV a couple of years ago. Yes, she was killed.

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  19. ChrisJune 18, 2009 at 9:54 AM

    My SIL and her family (3 people total, 2 adults/1 10 year daughter) have a total of FIVE ATVs - 4 full-size and one for the child. They wear no helmets, no gloves, no protective gear whatsoever. We wait for the call of someone's demise on a weekly basis. They also have 2 motorcycles, a boat, and at least 4 or 5 cars at all times (some of which actually run). The best part? They shop for the child's clothes at Goodwill - but hell, they got the money for them toys!!

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  20. FizJune 18, 2009 at 1:02 PM

    Bushpigeon, it happened in rural Herfordshire UK on the open road ,not far from our little town and yes, the little girl died. It was the parents that should have collected a Darwin Award :-(

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  21. AnonymousJune 18, 2009 at 10:36 PM

    WOW...I feel like I'm missing the party...What's an ATV?!?!

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  22. SabraJune 19, 2009 at 1:34 AM

    ATV= all terrain vehicle. I'm not sure of a colloquial term for them, except maybe 4-wheeler. They'll drive on just about anything. Except water. (They're not made for street use either.) Rednecks love 'em like they do cheap cigarette and Miller Lite. In fact, those three things often go together.

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  23. AnonymousJune 19, 2009 at 3:42 AM

    Best just to Google "ATV." It is short for "All-Terrain Vehicle."

    *** Nerd alert ***
    Note the word terrain. Terrain comes from the Latin term terra. Terra means land or earth. It does not mean water. :)

    -- 5th year pharmacy intern

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So wadda you think?