Friday, December 22, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

This brings the gift guide to a close, people, along with the year on the blog. I'm shutting down for 2 weeks and will be back on January 8, 2018. Have a great new year and whatever else you celebrate!

Thank you for reading, commenting, emailing, and giving me a reason to keep doing this! It's a lot of fun!



After years of college, medical school, and residency, most doctors are pretty used to eating ramen noodles. It's THE staple food for the student loans crowd.

But it can be so socially awkward. I mean, some people slurp when having ramen. They SLURP! That can be horribly disturbing for those nearby (I mean, in the cases of the < 1% of ramen eaters who are chowing down on it with someone else nearby).

Fortunately, for a measly $130 (the same price as about 1,000 packets of ramen), you can get this:




What is that? What does it do? Why the hell does it cost $130 dollars?

It's a special noise-cancelling fork for eating ramen noodles (really, I am not making this up). Its audio sensors detect when you're slurping your noodles. It then connects to an app on your phone to make noise to cover up the sound.

I'm still not sure why it costs $130, but assume it's all in R&D, and all the ramen noodles packs and starving students that were needed to test it.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

Is the air in your house too dry? Do you enjoy old Japanese monster movies that feature Tokyo being destroyed? Are you wondering what the hell these two questions have in common?

If you answered "yes" to the first 2 questions (or even all 3), there's now the Godzilla room humidifier!




When it's dry inside, just call on the King of Monsters to remedy the situation with a sustained blast of his legendary atomic breath.

Or to defeat Mothra.

Whatever.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

After you're in the grave, do you still want to be in the groove?

The company Andvinyly can press your (or anyone's, or anything's) cremated ashes into a 33 rpm vinyl record!


"Mom? Is that you?"

You can include a recording of your voice (threatening to haunt them forever if they scratch, warp, or donate you to a thrift store) or any favorite music. You can also have a pet turned into an album for those nights when you miss their barking, meowing, or repeatedly asking for a cracker.

Imagine the looks on their faces when they receive such a unique gift and wonder where the hell they're supposed to find a record player in 2017!

Friday, December 15, 2017

Christmas gift guide, 2017

Are you sick of people coming over to your place for a burger? Do you wish there was some way (short of poisoning) to convince them you really suck as a cook?

Next time you grill up an order of burgers, try using these instead of kosher dills!


Available at Walmart.  Really.

These electric-orange-reddish pickles are made by marinating them in fruit punch instead of brine. One bite of a burger topped with these and freeloaders will never darken your barbecue again!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Holiday gift guide, 2017

How many times have you said, or wanted to say, "I don't give a shit." ?

Yeah, if you're anything like me, you've lost count.

But now you CAN give a shit! A nice, big, bucket of it!




This educational product contains not 1, not 2, not 3, but 13 different replicas of shit from commonly encountered critters of the North American wilderness.

That's right, folks, you get: cougar, striped skunk, opossum, domestic dog, cottontail rabbit, gray fox, white tailed deer, turkey, black bear, bobcat, elk, and coyote.

So the next time you want to tell someone you don't give a shit, you can nicely tell them you do, and even offer them their choice.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Christmas Gift Guide

This is just too awesome not to put up as a gift suggestion.




This delightfully cheery playset includes a narwhal, 4 tusks (which look vaguely like lightsabers, so maybe it's an EP9 character Darth Cetacean) and 3 cute little animals you can impale!

Personally I think they should throw in another impale-ee, one for each tusk.

Exactly how penguins and narwhals encounter each other in the first place, let alone koalas, isn't explained.

For those of you who hate street mimes (hey, who doesn't) there's also The Avenging Unicorn playset.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Drug ads

This is an ad for the MS drug Rebif, to help patients learn how to handle flu-like symptoms, a common side-effect.

One gets the impression that the way patients are "getting the facts" is from a kindergarten-level cartoon book with a happy fish.



Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Breaking news

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: FLORIDA

Stephen Titland (really, that's his name) attempted to get into several vehicles by going down the street and seeing if any parked cars were unlocked.

He finally found one that wasn't and started to climb in, only to discover sheriff's deputies inside the unmarked vehicle. They'd arrived in the area due to multiple reports of a man (who matched Titland's description) burglarizing cars.

Mr. Titland has been charged with attempted burglary and violating his probation from a previous burglary conviction.



DATELINE: IRELAND

Residents of the village Ringaskiddy have fallen on hard times. There have been multiple solid complaints about men and dogs walking around with, uh, woodies.

Apparently they have a bone to pick with the local Pfizer plant, where Viagra is manufactured. The waste exhaust from the factory reportedly is being carried by a stiff breeze into the surrounding community.

Local barmaid Debbie O'Grady commented "one whiff and you're stiff."




DATELINE: FLORIDA (again)

An unidentified opossum broke into a liquor store and got trashed on bourbon.

The marsupial knocked a bottle of bourbon on the floor, breaking it, then drank the contents.

The animal was "disoriented" when found and taken to a local animal shelter. She was given fluids and allowed to detox, then released into the wild.



And finally, from the "do not try this at home" department, is this.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Christmas Gift Guide, 2017

Your floors are dirty. You don't have time to clean.

You try getting your teenagers to do it, but, lets' face it, they suck. If you can even pry them out of their rooms for a few minutes, then you have to get their phones out of their hands, and then they start whining that you're ruining their lives and... it just ain't worth it.

You need a different power to clean your floors.

The power... of the dark side.

Fortunately it's not only there, but in a choice of styles, too.


"Luke, I am your vacuum."

The Samsung Powerbot home vacuum promises to not only clean your floors, but randomly play lightsaber sounds, the heavy breathing of the Sith Lord (so you can worry someone broke into your house) and snippets of movie dialogue.

You can control them with voice, the phone app, Amazon Alexa, and Google assistant to convince your technophobic friends that you, indeed, have the power. Better yet, you don't have to deal with your teenagers.

These are the droids you're looking floor.


Disclaimer: I did NOT get paid for this post, and do not own this gadget. I just thought it fit in with the other odd things I feature. I have no idea how well it works. I have a wife, 3 teenagers, and 3 dogs, all smarter than me and have no desire to have household appliances that are, too.

Friday, December 1, 2017

The Christmas Gift Guide, 2017!

As the Earth's orbit once again brings December around, it's time for


drumroll


Dr. Grumpy's Gift Guide!

So, without further comment, here we go!


What can you get your favorite alcoholic who thinks the germ theory is a passing fad?

How about this combination beer and wine holder toilet paper dispenser?




Now they don't have to awkwardly leave their liver toxin of choice at the dining table or on the bathroom counter. It can be immediately handy while using the facilities, letting them take a nip (or more) between wipes and helping to spread some horrible diarrheal illness amongst family and friends.

After all, the holiday are all about sharing.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

My readers write

Clover, M.D. writes in:


I had this interaction with a patient recently:

Me: "How's your pain been?"

Her: "Better, I'm controlling it with those amphetamines I buy at the store."

Me: "Um, you're buying amphetamines at the store?"

Her: "Yeah, the store-brand Tylenol stuff."

Me: "You mean acetaminophen."

Her: "Whatever."


Thank you, Clover!

Monday, November 27, 2017

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mail bag for stuff you guys have sent in.


First is the poorly thought out name of this veterinary product:

"Keep away from children."



This one makes you wonder who named the business




Like any proud business owner, they have a custom license plate:





A reader notes this sign "doesn't exactly inspire confidence."






Then there's this, apparently marketing to axe murderers:







This past weekend the twins and I stopped at Starbucks for a snack. They had this sign up on the door:


Craig commented that "it looks like a dancing squid going to a Halloween party dressed as the Pope."




One reader saw this at a furniture store. Since she's a nurse she said her first thought was "Do Not Intubate." Admittedly, that was mine, too, even though it's obviously a couch.


Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Wednesday reruns

Last run in 2011, an oldie but goodie.





People often ask me "How do I find a good doctor?"
That's a tough question, and it can be tricky. So here are a few tips to warn you that your doctor may not be real. Any one of these (not to mention ALL of them, FFS) should alert you to look for another doctor.

1. A reputable physician's sole listing will likely NOT be in a Bulgarian language newspaper in Skokie, Illinois.

2. A reputable physician generally will NOT be seeing office patients at 6:30 on a Saturday night.

3. A reputable physician will NOT wait for you, alone, in a dark, locked, building with a "CLOSED" sign in the window.

4. A reputable physician will NOT let you knock for a while before letting you in himself.

5. A reputable physician will NOT stick toothpicks in your chest.

6. A reputable physician will NOT give you a bottle of pills labeled "Prosperous Farmer" that expired in 2002 (or anything called that, no matter when it expired!)

7. A reputable physician will ALWAYS have some sort of office paperwork.

8. A reputable physician will NOT jump into his car and try to drive away when you return for a follow-up visit.

If your physician does this, and you paid $150 cash for it, then you must have been seeing this guy.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Negative risks

Patient I saw for a stroke recently. The hospitalist's note used this nonsensical template. I understand what he's saying, but it sure looks stupid.



Friday, November 17, 2017

Lost and found

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Lenz: "Yeah, I think I left my sunglasses there last week. Did you find them?"

Annie: "No, we haven't seen any."

Mrs. Lenz: "I think I left them in the bathroom there."

Annie: "The bathroom in our office?"

Mrs. Lenz: "No, the one in the first floor lobby, across from the elevators and water fountain."

Annie: "Oh, that's not part of our suite. I have no idea."

Mrs. Lenz: "Can you connect me to the phone in there, so I can ask someone?"

Annie: "There isn't a phone in the bathroom."

Mrs. Lenz: "Then how am I supposed to get my glasses back?"

Annie: "Let me give you the number for the building management company."

Mrs. Lenz: "That seems excessive. I don't know why you can't just call whoever is using the bathroom right now and see if they have my sunglasses."

Annie: "There isn't a phone in there. And if you left them last week it's pretty unlikely they're still there. They clean them twice a day."

Mrs. Lenz: "You aren't being very helpful."

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Marketing surveys

From the "let's see if you're paying attention" department.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Quantity

Guy: "Local pharmacy. Can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call about Mrs. Cranium's migraine medication."

Guy: "Yeah, you wrote a quantity of 12 pills on it, and her insurance says she's not allowed to have that many."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did that just change? She's been getting 12 every month for as long as I've been writing it."

Guy: "Well, they don't allow 12 pills in a day now, can you change it to another drug?"

Dr. Grumpy: "IN A DAY? No, she's not supposed to do that at all. That would probably kill you."

Guy: "Wait, you meant that to be 12 pills per month all along?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Absolutely. I'm looking at the script now. It doesn't say anything about 'per day'."

Guy: "That makes a lot more sense. I'll get this filled."

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Are you shitting me?

The other night, around 1:00, I took a call from the emergency room. One of Dr. Brain's patients was being admitted for a seizure and I was covering for the evening. I discussed the case with the ER physician and went back to bed.

The next day I'm seeing a patient in the office, when Mary interrupts me for a hospital call. So I pick up the phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Newgrad: "Hi! This is Dave Newgrad, the hospitalist seeing Rosanna Shakin. I have her ready to go, but you haven't been by to see her."

Dr. Grumpy: "I thought she was Dr. Brain's patient."

Dr. Newgrad: "She is, and he's been by and seen her and cleared her to go home. But I need you to come by."

Dr. Grumpy: "If Dr. Brain already did that, then you don't need anything from me."

Dr. Newgrad: "But the chart says the ER doctor spoke to you."

Dr. Grumpy: "She did, but I was covering for Dr. Brain."

Dr. Newgrad: "I thought that if you're the one who talks to the ER, you're legally obligated to come see the patient."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where the hell did you hear that? That's completely wrong."

Pause

Dr. Newgrad: "Nobody teaches you these things in training."

Monday, November 6, 2017

Breaking news!

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: Pennsylvania, USA

Mr. Steven Rago, who was out on bail for simple assault, went to court to pay his fees.

While there he noticed another person, also waiting in line to pay charges, had set his wallet on the counter. Mr. Rago quickly pocketed it. A few minutes later he used the stolen money to pay his own fees.

The entire episode was caught on camera, and Mr. Rago's bail was rescinded due to the new charges.



DATELINE: Osnabrueck, Germany

A man in a movie theater had difficulty opening the bottle of beer he'd purchased for the show. Rather than leaving the flick to use the church key at the concessions counter, he innovatively tried to pop it open with something in his pocket.

In this case, a pepper-spray canister.

The pepper cartridge exploded, flooding the theater with the noxious stuff and causing the evacuation of 200 tearing moviegoers. The cinema's manager called the police, and was able to get the theater's air cleared after about 30 minutes.

No word as to whether he got the beer open.



DATELINE: Bretten, Germany.

An 81 year old man working around his house called the police bomb squad when he discovered what appeared to be an unexploded WW2 bomb in his garden.

Responding officers identified the explosive as actually being a "particularly large" zucchini.

The zucchini was 16" (40cm) land and weighed 11 lbs (5kg).

One police officer noted it "really did look very like a bomb.”

The offending squash's fate wasn't given.


Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Still sick

But in looking through the national news I noticed the guys who match pictures to headlines are also apparently out today.




 
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