Monday, December 3, 2018

Joe and Al

Joe and Al are both patients of mine.

They don't know each other.

They were born in the same year, a few thousand mild miles apart, speaking different languages.

To most who meet them they come across as polite older gentlemen, each with a good sense of humor. They may notice Joe's tremor or Al's speech difficulties, but neither is a major part of who they are.

But to me, they mean a lot after 20 years in practice.

Joe was born in Poland. His father was a tailor, and Joe worked in the store growing up. Because they were Jews, the family business was closed by the government so they had no way to support themselves. He saw his father beaten to death for trying to keep the family together while boarding a train. His mother was put in a different train car and never seen again. His sister was forced to work in a brothel for German officers and was never seen outside that building again. He and his brother were together until they got to the camp sorting area. His brother, who had a bad cough that week, was sent to a gas chamber. Joe was sent to do slave labor, and was still alive when the camp was liberated by allied forces. Joe, at 5'10" weighed 94 pounds by that point, and was hard to distinguish from the dead bodies he'd been forced to carry outside.

After recovering in a military hospital, Joe decided to leave Europe forever. He immigrated to America, settling in Omaha. He went to school, married, raised a family, and spent most of his life in a quiet, unassuming, desk job. Today he's nearly blind and needs a walker to get around. His wife is still at his side, and sometimes one of his kids.

Al was born in Los Angeles. He worked in a grocery store and went to high school until he turned 18, when he was drafted into the Marines.

On the morning of February 19, 1945, he was roughly 6,000 miles from L.A., in landing crafts with 60,000 other Marines, approaching the peaceful-appearing sands of Iwo Jima in the south Pacific. As they clambered ashore and gradually moved inland it was surprisingly quiet, with none of the resistance they'd encountered on previous islands.

About an hour after coming ashore, that all changed. The well-hidden Japanese forces opened up on the beach with machine guns and heavy artillery, creating a hell-on-earth. There was nowhere to hide. Al saw guys he'd had steak & eggs with a few hours earlier (the standard U.S. Marine breakfast for landing forces) collapse around him, dead. Some were wounded, and he and others tried to get them to whatever safety they could find. Then he was hit himself, but worked to help others until he blacked-out from blood loss. He woke up on a hospital ship.

After the war he returned home, finished school, and managed grocery stores until he retired. He and his wife raised a boy and 2 girls. They recently celebrated their 60th anniversary. Today he uses a walker and oxygen tank, and is nearly deaf, but still has a hearty laugh.

At this point both are in their 90's. The horrors they experienced aren't forgotten, but hidden behind a lifetime of mundanity (which, lets face it, mundanity describes most of us, and it isn't a bad thing).

In my mind they're bound together by being (most likely) the last of their kind I'll meet.

I've seen my share of Holocaust survivors, but as the years go by they've decreased, and I doubt I'll meet another after Joe.

Similarly, in 20 years I've cared for plenty of WW2 veterans, but see them grow fewer, and the odds are I won't meet another who fought at Iwo Jima.

Like many of their generation, neither wants to talk about what they went through. The memories are painful, and both men would rather be defined but what came afterwards: their families.

But they, and what they went through, shouldn't be forgotten.

Ever.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

2018 Holiday gift guide

How many times have you gotten home from a long day at work, opened a cold beer, and thought, "Boy, I'm tired. I'd love to relax by putting my head in someone's ass crack."

Me neither.

Butt, if you have any friends who think this way, now there's the perfect pillow to give them!



Yes, you can relax by lying down with your head on a simulated keister. If people are always telling you that you have your head up your ass, you can now respond, "no, that's my pillow."

The website says they're "squeezable, slappable and face buriable" for those who consider these to be desirable features in tuchus-shaped bed accessories. It also notes "you can dress up your Buttress with undies and PJ's," provided you're into that sort of thing.

I understand that Mr. Arthur Frampton is coming out with a deluxe version.

Monday, November 26, 2018

2018 Holiday gift guide

Yes, as the Earth rolls around its G-type main-sequence star, we again come to the Christmakuh season. Which means it's time for DR. GRUMPY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE!

This year, I'd like to start off with something for that distant acquaintance, co-worker, or friend who feels they have to hold the first party of the season, even if that means having it in July just to say they did.

What's more perfect for your friend's next party than this adorable snowman beverage dispenser?





They'll marvel when you give them this cheerful fellow to dispense refreshments from a, um, conveniently located valve. See him smile as you pull down, squeeze, and release.

Serving suggestions include spiked lemonade or Mountain Dew, though if you're a urologist you could also consider something with cranberry juice or grenadine syrup added for just the right tint.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Thanksgiving memory re-runs

One Thanksgiving in the early-90's I was the intern on call at a local VA hospital (a veterans hospital for my non-U.S. readers, with consequently a primarily cantankerous elderly male population).

A peculiar thing about VA hospitals (at least back then, I haven't worked at one for > 25 years) is that patients could sign out at the nurse's desk to leave, then come back later to resume medical care (don't even try to understand this). So the sheet was always full of notations that patients had signed out to go to McDonald's, or buy cigarettes, or smoke, or visit friends at the homeless shelter, or hold up a liquor store, or whatever.

Some bright businessman had opened a strip club across the street from the hospital, I think it was called The Jaguar Room. So on Thanksgiving the VA ward I was covering was empty, as most of the patients had signed out to walk, wheel, or crawl over to The Jaguar Room for some female comfort and booze.

I was asleep in the intern's room when the calls began coming in, all from the bartender at The Jaguar Room. Was it safe for my patients to be smoking through their tracheostomy tubes? Were the cardiac telemetry packs still transmitting from across the street? Was there a place at the VA where patients could get more $1 bills, because they'd used them all up on the strippers?

And my favorite:


Bartender: "Can I give Mr. Veteran another beer?"

Intern Grumpy: "Um, what's the problem?"

Bartender: "He has one of those foley bags things, with the tube going up his dick. The bag is, like, REALLY full, and I'm afraid if I give him another beer it'll pop and send piss everywhere."

Intern Grumpy: "Send him back to the hospital."

Bartender: "That's bad for business."

Intern Grumpy: "So is showering your clientele with piss."


Mr. Veteran was wheeled back over to the VA immediately, by a topless stripper no less, who waited while his bag was emptied and then pushed him back to the bar.

Monday, November 19, 2018

Ebay has everything

During her appointment I was helping Mrs. Old find a better price on her pain medicine, which (of course), activated the ad-tracker software.

So a few minutes later I noticed this on a site:



Thursday, November 15, 2018

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Dr. Grumpy: "At your last visit... let me look at the note... okay, you said you wanted to see if a massage helped your back pain, and were going to try a place near your apartment. So how'd that work?"

Ms. Lumbago: "It, um, didn't happen."

Dr. Grumpy: "Too expensive?"

Ms. Lumbago: "No... I went in there one day, and said I needed a massage, and the girl at the counter gave me a blank look. Then I realized all the girls there were in skimpy bikinis, and they had candles and soft music and a bottle of champagne out, and the counter girl said, um, 'we only take men customers' and I realized that, um... anyway I left and haven't had time to look for another place."

Monday, November 12, 2018

Seen in a chart

Knowns and unknowns, both unknown and known.



- Thank you, C!

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Chutzpah

It's 10:55. Mrs. 11:30 walks into the waiting room, where Mr. 11:00 is reading a magazine.


Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mrs. 11:30: "Yes, I have a routine appointment with Dr. Grumpy at 11:30, but my husband has a work-in with his cardiologist downstairs at 11:45, which he just made. Can I be seen early, so I can run down there?"

Mary: "I'm sorry, he's with someone now, and has an 11:00 appointment ahead of you. Otherwise I would."

Mrs: 11:30: "Can you..."

Mr. 11:00: "Hi, I don't mind waiting. I have the 11:00 appointment, so why don't you just switch us out? I don't have to be anywhere right away."

Mrs. 11:30: "Oh, thank you so much."

Mary: "Okay, that works for me. I'll let the doc know you're switching."


I finish with Mr. 10:30 and bring him up to check-out. Mary quickly explains the schedule change, so I bring Mrs. 11:30 back to my office. I address her issues, and we conclude the visit at around 11:25.


Dr. Grumpy: "All right, let me know how the medication change works out... I hope everything is okay with your husband."

Mrs. 11:30: "My husband? Why?"

Dr. Grumpy: "You said he had an urgent work-in with his cardiologist?"

Mrs. 11:30: "Oh, I just told the front people that. He's fine. I just needed to leave early because my cat sitter can't stay past 11:45."

She walked out front and left.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Texting with Frank



Also, stop calling me "Bro."

Thursday, November 1, 2018

Seen in a chart


For my non-medical readers, the last word is supposed to be "hematuria."

Monday, October 29, 2018

Annie's desk

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Annie."

Mrs. Daughter: "Hi, Dr. Grumpy saw my mother last week, for Alzheimer's disease. We're trying to get her long-term care approved, and need him to fill out the forms. I forget to ask him when we were there. Can I drop them by the office later today?"

Annie: "Certainly, but he's out of town this week, so won't be able to do them until he's back. We can mail or fax them back to you when ready, or you can come get them."

Mrs. Daughter: "What do you mean 'he's out of town?' "

Annie: "Family vacation stuff, his kids are off for fall break, so..."

Mrs. Daughter: "That's ridiculous. I want these forms done NOW."

Annie: "Well, he'll be back next week, so will be glad to do them then, or you can see if your mother's internist can..."

Mrs. Daughter: "The internist is the one who referred me to you. Obviously, I wouldn't have come to you if I'd known he was THAT kind of doctor!"

Annie: "Um, what kind of doctor?"

Mrs. Daughter "The kind who takes vacations when his patients need him!"

Monday, October 8, 2018

Time out

All right, gang. I'm going to have to take a few weeks off here. We're now entering the heart of the high school marching band competition season, and between my day job and band meetings, band fundraisers, band shows, band-aids, band trips, rubber bands, and band saws I need to take some time off from the blog (and a lot of other stuff, too).

See you in a few weeks!

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.


DATELINE: SANTA MARTA, COLUMBIA.

Yeimy, a married woman, and Jesus, who she'd been having a clandestine year-long affair with, decided to call Uber for a ride to a local motel they'd booked for a romantic 30 minute getaway. The helpful Uber app noted that their driver was on his way to transport them to the love nest.

Upon arriving, they piled into the back seat of his car, only to have all parties immediately realize that the driver was actually Yeimy's husband, Leonardo, who was moonlighting that night by driving for a friend.

All parties immediately exited the vehicle.

It's unknown how many stars the driver got.



DATELINE: CALIFORNIA

A group of thieves stole $18,000 worth of industrial-use GPS tracking devices from a tech company.

Upon discovering the loss, the company remotely switched them on and saw the majority of the devices were in a warehouse, while 2 were still being driving around in cars. Police had arrested all involved and recovered the devices within 6 hours.

Police also noted the thieves had drunk a few beers they'd found during the robbery. One of them cut himself in process, leaving bloody fingerprints behind as additional evidence.



DATELINE: FRANCE

From the "A horse walks into a bar" department.


Monday, October 1, 2018

Formicidae

Frank is a college freshman this year, living in a dorm. Yes, you read that correctly.

So last Thursday I'm having a typically busy day of seeing patients when a text from him crosses the top of my screen.


Frank: Dad, I need to talk to you right now. There's a big problem here.

Dr. Grumpy: I'm with a patient right now. Can it wait 15 minutes?

Frank: Yes, but hurry.

After I finished my appointment with Mrs. Freenbeen, I called Frank.

Frank: "Um, hello? Who is this?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's Dad. You told me to call you."

Frank: "Oh, that's weird. My phone said it was a call from a doctor's office. Are you sick?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm a doctor. I work here. What's up?"

Frank: "Oh, yeah. We have an emergency. Can you, like, go to the store after work and buy, like A LOT of ant bait traps and ship them to me overnight?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What's going on?"

Frank: "Me and Mike's dorm room is, like, FULL of ants. They're everywhere."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm pretty sure you can buy bug poison at the Target across the street from you."

Frank: "Yeah, but then I'd have to pay for it."

Sigh.

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you let the building people know about this? They can have your room sprayed."

Frank: "Mike said he'd do that... Hey, Mike, did you talk to the RA about the ants?"

(mumbling in background)

Frank: "Never mind, Dad. Mike says the RA told him they'd have it sprayed later today. Hey, why do you think we have all these ants?"

Dr. Grumpy: "When was the last time you guys took out the garbage?"

Frank: "Um... I don't think we have. But, like, we only moved in on what, August 27th? How often should we be taking it out?"

That was a month ago. WTF.

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd say at least every week, if not more."

Frank: "That's stupid. There's still plenty of room under our beds for stuff. We moved the empty fast food and pizza boxes all under Mike's bed last week, after we put the dirty cafeteria dishes and forks in the bathroom sink."

Urp.

Dr. Grumpy: "Those things are what are attracting the ants!"

Frank: "Really? Why would they want that stuff?"
 
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