Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Attention span

I do online marketing surveys for $ here and there. Most docs do.

These people obviously want to make sure you're paying attention, so have stealth questions in there to trip-up someone who's randomly clicking boxes or typing numbers. Here are some samples you guys have sent in:



Sometimes it's just a simple command:





Math questions are popular, I assume because you have to think a bit:






Another technique is what I call "left turn." They set the premise you're going to work on, then take a sudden left turn off subject to see if you're following them:
 



But THIS one is my favorite. A seeming innocuous question about drugs used for Parkinson's Disease:




For those of you who didn't follow the sci-fi show Firefly, Byphodine was a fictional drug that reduced metabolic function to fake death.




Monday, February 20, 2017

Memories...

One of the other residents I trained with (a long time ago, in a hospital far, far, away) was Dr. Tree. He was argumentative and irritating (in short, a pretty typical neurologist). He didn't usually speak to the rest of us, which was a good thing.

Anyway, one day a few of us (both boys and girls) were hanging around in the neurology residents office, bullshitting about random stuff while we waited for rounds to start. Dr. Tree was at his desk, reading some neuro textbook and ignoring us.

At some point we began joking about porn. I have no idea what led to that. This went on for a few minutes, when suddenly Dr. Tree slammed his book closed, came over, and yelled the following diatribe at us:

"You think it's funny! It's NOT funny! The problem with porn is that it gets so out of control! You start with a dirty magazine, then you move into books and movies. You keep needing more and more, and the tame stuff isn't good enough anymore, so you need filthier and filthier, harder-core stuff! It's like a snowball rolling downhill, and YOU CAN'T DO A FUCKING THING TO STOP IT!"

Dr. Tree abruptly stopped and turned red. The rest of us, somewhat taken aback and unsure what to say, looked at him silently.

After a pause he mumbled "Um, at least that's what I've heard."

He picked up his book and ran out of the room.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Lost and found

Have you ever wondered what kind of things people leave at the Grumpy/Pissy Medical Emporium? Neither have I.

But a recent post about Mrs. Foote losing her shoe heel inspired me to dig through the office's "lost and found" drawer. It needed to be cleaned out, anyway.

Besides an unclaimed pair of sunglasses and a make-up case, I found these abandoned items:




This absolutely fascinating button: 





Yet another shoe heel:
Apparently, no one came back for this one.



A pocket knife:




Cigarette lighter:

 




I have no idea what this is:





For that matter, I don't know what this is, either:





Electrical tape:
 




And, somewhat ironically, this was in the drawer, too.


Monday, February 13, 2017

Classy



Dr. Grumpy: "How you doing? It's been the usual year since your last visit."

Ms. Zapper: "I'm fine, no problems. I've had a good year, health-wise."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good. By the way, do you have an internist you'd like me to send your visit notes to?"

Ms. Zapper: "No. Only other doc I see is my GYN. Hell, if you'd be willing to look in my pussy once a year I could ditch her, too."

Friday, February 10, 2017

News updates

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: Windsor, England.

Legoland was discovered to have a surprisingly large and sophisticated marijuana operation on the amusement park's premises. The plants, some 3 feet high and surrounded by grow-lights and a watering system, were found in an unused storage shed.

The suspects are believed to have entered the park by crossing through land owned by the Queen. To date Her Majesty has had no comment.

It's unknown if the area will be worked into an attraction for the new Lego Batman movie, or perhaps an attraction called Lego Robin's Magic Garden.



DATELINE: Pittsburgh

Daniel Marchese was found in a stopped, but running, car in the middle of an intersection, going in & out of consciousness. When awake he would expose himself to passersby. He was dressed in pink lingerie. Officers who investigated also found he had an open bottle of whiskey and 2 handguns with him.

I swear to God I am not making any of that up.

Mr. Marchese threatened officers and was taken into custody. He's been charged with a remarkable assortment of things, including drunken driving, indecent exposure, fighting with officers, aggravated assault, and weapons offenses.

I can only assume he was going to a rally for cross-dressing supporters of both the 2nd & 21st amendments.



DATELINE: Florida

John Haskew attempted to conduct a fraudulent wire transfer, hoping no one would notice. The amount, however, was $7 billion (you read that correctly) which tends to get attention.

His excuse, upon being arrested, was that Jesus had told him to do it because he created wealth for everyone, and this was Mr. Haskew's share.

The accused told police that he was "self-taught on the banking industry."




DATELINE: France

A man who - I swear - used his wife's phone to set up Uber transportation so that he could have an affair - is suing the ride service for $45 million for causing him to get divorced.

A glitch in the app kept sending notifications to his wife about where he was going, even though he'd logged out of it. She got kind of suspicious.

Apparently his lady dumping him is now Uber's fault, and has nothing to do with him, say, cheating on her.

The moral here is this: if you're cheating on your spouse, don't use their phone to arrange it. Use something secure, like Ashley Madison.


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

"Here, the house is full of nitrogen and oxygen."

This is my daughter's birthday gift wish list:



Monday, February 6, 2017

This bud's for you


Dr. Grumpy: "You been doing okay since I last saw you?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "Um, I had a really bad yeast infection, you know, in my girl parts."

Dr. Grumpy: "How have your migraines been?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "It was REALLY bad. I mean, it climbed from down there all the way up though the connection into my stomach, then to my ears, too."

Long pause.

Dr. Grumpy: "I've, uh, never heard of that."

Ms. Cerevisiae: "That's what all the other doctors tell me, too. Anyway, my migraines are better."

Friday, February 3, 2017

Weight loss

Seen at the Asian grocery:




Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Rubber sole

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Foote: "Hi, I was there about an hour ago, and I think the heel of my shoe fell off."

Mary: "I..."

Mrs. Foote: "Can you please look for it? I want it back."

Mary: "I don't see it in the lobby... Hang on..."


Mary knocks on my door


Mary: "Hey, sorry to interrupt you and Mr. Lumbar, but Mrs. Foote thinks she lost part of her shoe back here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Mr. Lumbar: (looks under his chair) "I think she did. Here."


(hands Mary a rubber shoe heel, Mary leaves)


Mary: "Hello, Mrs. Foote? I found your heel. Are you really coming back for this?"

Mrs. Foote: "Of course. How else am I supposed to walk home? Hey, do you have any super glue?"


I may have to start carrying super glue at the office. This was the second time a patient requested it.
 
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