Friday, January 31, 2014


Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Heme: "My grandmother once had a blood clot in her nose. It was really gross, too. With snot and everything."

Thursday, January 30, 2014

2:17 a.m.

My cell phone rings.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Officer Peel: "Hi, doctor, this is Officer Peel, of the Grumpyville police. Sorry to wake you."

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Officer Peel: "Do you know a lady named Dee Mentia?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, she's one of my patients. Actually, she's in Local Hospital at the moment, with pneumonia."

Officer Peel: "Yeah, she keeps calling 911 from her hospital room and says she's being held hostage in your basement."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh my..." (starts laughing) "Do you need to come search my basement?"

Officer Peel: "Nah, but can you do something to stop her? The 911 operators are busy enough as it is."

Dr. Grumpy: "Will do, sorry."

Office Peel: "Thanks. Have a good night, doc."

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Flush: "Hi, I have an appointment in 20 minutes with Dr. Grumpy, and won't be able to make it. My kid clogged the toilet, and it's backed up all over the floor. I have to stay here and wait for the emergency plumber."

Mary: "Okay, that's fine. Just call us when you have time to reschedule and..."

Mrs. Flush: "I will. Are you going to charge me for the last minute cancel? I can text you a picture if you need proof."

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Seen in a hospital chart

Helluva long week.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Saturday afternoon

I'm on the weekend Costco run with Craig.

Mrs. Patient: "Hi, Dr. Grumpy!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Mrs. Patient. Good to see you. Stocking up here, too?"

Mrs. Patient: "Yes, me and my friend Cindy came over to get some things."

Cindy: "This is your neurologist?"

Mrs. Patient: "Yes, it's Dr. Grumpy."

Cindy: "Can you tell me about the vaccination schedule for cats? I was thinking of getting a kitten."

Mrs. Patient: "Dr. Grumpy only treats humans."

Cindy: "Well, he's still a doctor isn't he?"

Craig: "Dad, can I get a pizza sample?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure."

Cindy: "You're a doctor and you let your kids eat cheese?"

Mrs. Patient: "Cindy, shut up. I'm sorry, doctor."

Saturday, January 25, 2014

It's the word!

Swedish marines stationed in Afghanistan re-enact the classic scene from Grease.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Yes, it did

Dr. Grumpy: "How have you been doing since the carpal tunnel surgery?"

Mr. Wrist: "Great! The numbness is gone. The surgeon you recommended did a great hand job! Uh, I mean, job on my hand. I, uh, oh shit, that sounded bad."

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Troponin: "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we can see you next Thursday, at 10:00."

Mrs. Troponin: "That sounds great!"

Mary: "What will you be coming in for?"

Mrs. Troponin: "I'm having chest pain when I go up stairs, and my internist told me to see a cardiologist."

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy is a neurologist. He doesn't see this kind of thing."

Mrs. Troponin: "I know, but I can't find a cardiologist who takes my insurance and can get me in this week."

Mary: "Well, you'll have to call your internist about that... But Dr. Grumpy isn't what you're looking for. I'll cancel the appointment and..."

Mrs. Troponin: "How about if I say I'm coming in for foot numbness or something. Will he treat my chest pain then, if I just kind of mention it?"

Mary: "No. Call your internist."

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Seen in a medical journal

This is an advertisement for:

A. The new James Bond flick? Did they fire Daniel Craig?

B. That hot new cologne, eu d'Charcot.

C. Boy, those leather scrubs are really sexy. Wish my neurologist looked like that.

D. The DocMatic electric shaver for when (like this guy) you spent the night on the doctors lounge couch.

E. The sequel to "Hysteria" showing Dr. Granville perfecting his invention.

F. An ultrasound machine? Really? Are you kidding me? An effing ultrasound machine?

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The tube

Mr. Barone: "My symptoms all get worse around 8:30.”

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't we talk about this at your last visit? I suggested taking your pills at 8:00, to see if that helped. Did you try it?"

Mr. Barone: "It doesn't work. I can't take them at 8:00.”

Dr. Grumpy: "Why not?"

Mr. Barone: "I'll miss the beginning of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Monday, January 20, 2014

Weekend on call

On Saturday night I was at the nurses station, writing a note. A demented elderly man kept calling for his daughter, (who'd gone home for the night).

Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse: "Morris, Dana went home. She'll be back in the morning."

Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse: "Morris, Dana's not here. You're okay, and she'll be here again tomorrow."

Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse (in deep voice): "There is no Dana, only Zuul."

Friday, January 17, 2014

Overheard at the nurses station

"I'm so pissed. I paid $80 for this eyelash treatment, and it looks like I'm being attacked by tarantulas."

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Dear Webmaster,

Thank you for your recent letter asking that I send $75 to remain in your online doctor directory. I'd put its name up here, but I'm not even going to give you the traffic.

Regrettably, I won't be sending you the $75, and really don't give care if you remove my name.

I'm sure this hurts your feelings, so I'd like to explain why I'm not sending you any money.

1. I never signed up for your directory in the first place. In fact, your letter asking me to renew was the first I'd heard of you.

2. Most companies take credit cards for payment. The fact that you only accept 2 methods of payment is a little alarming. One was for me to do a direct bank-to-bank transfer, and your letter included your bank name, account number, and routing information. This is not a typical way to pay for a medical listing.

3. The other way you accept payment is for me to send a cashier's check to an address in Bucharest, Romania. Nice try.

4. Your math was somewhat concerning, as the letter says that for $75 I get "1 year + 3 FREE months! That's 18 months for only $75." Granted, maybe you use a different calendar than I do.

5. You spelled "doctor" as "docter."

6. You didn't spell my name correctly. Or my street name for that matter. Or even my fucking city. This does not give me a lot of confidence in your ability to provide an accurate listing for my $75.

7. Lastly, as if the above weren't big enough concerns, I was still curious to look at the website listed on your letter. I was suitably impressed to see that it:

- Had nothing on it mentioning a doctor locating service.

- The first link featured said "MEET BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN GIRLS!"

- The second link was for an online Viagra pharmacy (maybe useful if you click on the first link).

- The third link said "This domain name is for sale! Click here to buy it."

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Mary's Desk, Tuesday afternoon

Mary: "So we can see you this Thursday at 4:00. What's your insurance?"

Mr. Ximénez: "Major Illness, Incorporated."

Mary: "Are you on their PPO or HMO plan?"

Mr. Ximénez: "PPO."

Mary: "And what's your birthday?"

Mr. Ximénez: "My, this is a lot of questions. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

Sadly, she didn't get it, and asked me about it later.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Queen Square

Dr. Grumpy: "Now I'm going to check your reflexes. Let me tap you with this rubber hammer..."

Miss Temmi: "My boyfriend has one of those hammers, and also taps on my knee reflexes with it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, is he a doctor?"

Miss Temmi: "No, he says it turns him on."

Monday, January 13, 2014

Wake up call

Due to the death of our 15-year-old television, Mrs. Grumpy and I bought a new TV for our bedroom a few months ago.

So, early Sunday morning, around 1:00 a.m., we were both sound asleep when the TV woke us up. It was making a loud obnoxious beeping sound. Then the screen suddenly flipped on, all white, with gazillion megawatt intensity. Snowball's shadow was burned into the wall where he was sleeping.

Then, in huge letters, the screen said "CABLE CONNECTION HAS BEEN LOST."

Like I give a fuck when I'm sleeping.

After the adrenaline rush calmed down I got up, turned the TV off, and went back to bed.

20 minutes later I'd just started dozing again when the beeping and prison floodlight effects started again, but this time the screen said "CABLE CONNECTION HAS BEEN RESTORED."

So tonight I'm going to figure out how to turn this thoroughly worthless message off.

Attention TV manufacturers:

This is NOT a feature I want. If I'm watching TV, and the cable goes out, I will notice it and do not need you to tell me. Conversely, if I'm not watching TV, and the cable goes out, I DON'T CARE. Waking me up to let me know is only going to piss me off.

Thank you,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Today's tips

1. If you drive, don't drive drunk.

2. If you get caught for driving drunk, don't drive drunk again.

3. If you get caught for driving drunk a second time, don't drive drunk again.

4. If the police notice you're driving erratically because you're drunk (again), pull over.

5. Do not run away from your vehicle in the forest.

6. If you run away from your vehicle, do not leave your wallet in it.

7. Do not run through deep snow. You leave footprints.

8. If it is cold out, do not toss your jacket aside. If the footprints keep going, they will follow them, not your jacket.

9. Do not climb a frozen tree, especially to a height of 30 feet. You're not fooling anyone.

10. If cornered by police while up in the tree, do not ask them if they caught "the guy who was driving" in slurred speech.

11. If the police point out that there was only one set of tracks, do not insist that "the other guy" (presumably the one who was driving) carried you on his back.

12. Insisting that you're an innocent owl, instead of a drunk guy in a tree, isn't going to fool them.

13. Shaking the branches to make snow fall on officers, and then yelling "Look! It's snowing!" isn't going to make them go away. They will just get a chainsaw.

14. Claiming that you were "just out for a run" isn't compatible with previously claiming to have been an owl. They fly.

And if you don't think one drunk guy could do all of the above, think again.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Alternative medicine

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't you used to take blood pressure medication?"

Mr. Mercury: "I did, but I was able to control it with lifestyle changes."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you lose weight?"

Mr. Mercury: "Nope. Got a divorce."

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Liar, liar, pants on fire

I'm with a patient, and Mary calls me out of the room.

Mary: "There's a lady on the phone, and she wants to be worked in today. I told her we don't have anything."

Dr. Grumpy: "So put her in for Friday. Don't we have an opening then?"

Mary: "Yes, but she's insisting on today. She says she's a close friend of your mother, and your mom told her that you'd get her in. That's why I'm checking with you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmmph. That's not something my mom would do..."

I walked over and grabbed Mary's phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy. What's my mother's first name?"

Mrs. Reede: "Carol."

Dr. Grumpy: "Wrong."

Mrs. Reede: "Um, Susan?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Nope, thank you for playing."

I hung up.

Mary: "That was awesome."

Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Thank you, Webhill!

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, can I help you?"

Mr. Prevost: "Yes, Dr. Intern referred me to see Dr. Grumpy, and I need to make an appointment."

Mary: "Okay, we have an opening this Thursday, at 1:30. Would that work for you?"

Mr. Prevost: "Sounds good. What bus number takes me there?"

Mary: "Uh, I'm not sure?"

Mr. Prevost: "Okay, it has to be either Red Line 42 or Blue Line 17."

Mary: "I really don't know, sir."

Mr. Prevost: "Screw this. I'll find a place with a helpful staff."

(hangs up)

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


While flipping through a patient's hospital chart yesterday, I discovered this:

Monday, January 6, 2014

Medical research


The British Medical Journal recently contributed an important piece of literature to answer an age-old nurses station question: "Who the hell ate the chocolate?"

The article's introduction states "Subjectively, we noted that chocolate boxes emptied quickly and that determining which healthcare professionals ate the most chocolates was a common source of workplace conflict. Literature on chocolate consumption by healthcare workers in a hospital setting is lacking."

To study this critical issue, the authors placed 2 boxes of chocolates (1 each of Cadbury Roses and Nestlé Quality Street) at the nurses stations of 4 floors in 3 separate hospitals (258 pieces of chocolate in total). They were covertly observed and critical data collected.

They found that:

1. When a box of chocolates is placed out on the ward, there's an average delay of 12 minutes before someone opens it. The Cadbury box was more likely to be opened first.

2. The half-life of a box (time until 50% of chocolates had been eaten) was 99 minutes. Chocolates that were still present at the end of the 4-hour observation period were deemed "lost to follow-up."  Overall, 74% of chocolates were eaten during the observation time.

3. Chocolates are consumed in a non-linear fashion: initially there's a flurry of consumption when a box is opened ("Oooh! Chocolates!") which gradually tapers off ("No, I've had enough") with increasing intervals between pieces being eaten ("I'm trying to diet.").

4. Cadbury chocolates were consumed faster than Nestlé.

5. A statistical breakdown of "WHO ATE THE CHOCOLATE?!!!" revealed the following:

"Medical students who reached for one were shot."

Personally, I believe further research is needed, and propose the following:

1. A similar study comparing dark vs. milk chocolate.

2. A study powered to prove/disprove that ones with nougat are the last to be eaten.

3. Comparison of M&M's (plain vs. peanut vs. pretzel vs. dark vs. peanut butter). For example, in my office the half-life of a 1 lbs. bag of the peanut-butter ones is about 38 seconds, while up front the plain ones go faster.

4. Getting a staff breakdown to figure out who's pushing in the bottom to see what filling it is. And when you find out, beating them senseless.

More research of this type is necessary, and so, when you hit up a doctor to bring in some chocolates, remind them you're only doing so for science.

Lastly, I loved the "authors' conflict of interest disclosure" from the article:

"Competing interests: All authors have completed the ICMJE uniform disclosure form and declare: no support from any organisation for the submitted work; no financial relationships with any organisations that might have an interest in the submitted work in the previous three years. Other non-financial relevant interests: PRG is particularly sentimental about, and incredibly fond of, Lindt Lindor white chocolate truffles; DJM advocates abstinence as the only effective way to avoid chocolate over-consumption; PLRN is influenced by the intoxicating smells emanating from the Cadbury’s chocolate factory at Bournville near his home; FDA supports her native Ghana’s cocoa exports by eating a single Heroes chocolate (Cadbury) every night; HEC declares an interest in polishing off leftover Bounty chocolates (Mars); RDM’s Germanic background means that he is hard-wired, like his brethren, to love all milk chocolate; and CAM reports a preference for Milkybar buttons (Nestlé)."

Thank you, Jodi!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014


What's that? The Northern Lights? Nope.

It's obviously the night sky... and it is. With a single pale dot. You can see it if you look closely. It's roughly halfway down the ray of sunlight on the right.

It's not much. In our era of 10 megapixel cameras the dot is tiny. It's only 0.12 pixels, in fact.

And... that's us. That miniscule dot is planet Earth, seen from 3.7 billion miles (6 billion kilometers) away. Voyager 1 took the picture in 1990, looking backwards during its ongoing journey out of our solar system.

"From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

"The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena... Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

"The Earth is the only world known, so far, to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment, the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience.

"There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

- Carl Sagan.
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